BHIF: Candy Salad…
Alfargos. 1.25 for lunch? Russ and Daughters ice cream. The OJM Intern takes a field trip. Reunion. 102 ain’t that old. What's in an area code? Chabad.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday June 21, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.
Sauna Dreams
Finally, exclusive access to newsletter subscribers. Come to the free screening of Sauna Dreams, an Old Jewish Men production, at Film Noir Cinema on Sunday June 30th. This RSVP required! Q&A to follow the show.
**RSVPs are almost full so we’ll most likely have to open up another seating at 6:30. Let us know in the comments if you’re unable to book for the 6PM or 7PM.**
People
→ Obit of the Week: Moshe Kotlarsky (75, NYC)
So long to the king of the gab. Rabbi Moshe Kotlarsky, famous for expanding Chabad’s Global Reach is on the highway to heaven at 75. Thanks to Kotlarsky’s ability to “chop it up” with just about anybody, Chabad is in almost every country in the world. “He could really chat about anything,” remembers Gunther Crapperman, “King of the gab, we used to call him. Baseball, taxes, Torah, insect migrations patterns, proctology.” Moshe had conversational range. According to the NYT, Kotlarsky also functioned as a kind of troubleshooter for the organization. When terrorists attacked a Chabad house in Mumbai, India, and killed the emissaries there in 2008, it was Rabbi Kotlarsky who spoke at their funeral. Those closest to Kotlarsky say that despite the 6,000 emissaries he helped to open around the world, he will be remembered for stationing invasive teenagers on every urban block in the world, hours before sundown on Friday night, to ask people “are you Jewish?” and if so, how about wrapping some tefillin.
→ Old Jewish Men Around Town
No OJM field trip is complete without meeting the old living Old Jewish Man in Midwood, Brooklyn. The intern had the honor of meeting, Hymie, who is 102 and somehow survived our visit. He also survived the Treblinka.
On our way to the Sauna Dreams premiere, we discovered this joint: B. Schlesinger and Sons, a uniform supply business established in 1898. Notice anything strange? No area code, which means they opened doors when everyone used 212.
Several people were starstruck by Dave, but also a bit surprised at his stature. They thought he’d be sub five feet with an even larger head.
Dave’s wife, Sarina pictured with Sauna Dreams star, Ephraim Rinsky who plays Fram Dinkins in the “film”. Dinkins plays Dave’s foil in the film: the new hotshot kid who thinks he’s God’s gift to shvitzing.
The OJM intern was a big hit at the Alfragos sale last Saturday. Despite his youthful appearance, customers found him to be a formidable force in the art of negotiation.
Some Old Jewish Men have an innate sense of khaki. Rookies will only see four different shades of khaki in this picture, while the trained eye can see six.
News
→ The Mets are Rollin…The Mets are hot hot HOT, baby! And while many Meats fans attribute the 7-1 run to McDonald’s purple blob, Grimace, whose first pitch at Citi Field spurred the run, we don’t buy it. Nope, OJM beat reporter, Horace Turnstiles, has another theory. While his official press credentials are still being processed by the MLB, Horace reports that Mets longtime ball boy, Petey Guperman, found dozens of empty soup cans outside the Mets clubhouse. What’s the implication? Well, MLB nutritional experts claim that this is an unfair advantage, citing a study that the human body responds best to slurping rip roaring hot soup during heat waves. Turnstiles claims that this is still under investigation. Speaking of which, is chili a soup? Anyways, let’s hope the boys brought enough cans to whip the Schlubs of Chicago.
→ A Sock War Is Afoot Between Millennials and Gen Z, NY Times
People forget that socks are like hats, you can tell a lot about a person by their sock preference. Consider that you can buy a sock in almost any color, any length, any pattern. There’s intent behind a sock choice because there’s so many options. These days, sock choices have taken on an entirely new meaning. People are worried about ankle coverage. With sea levels rising, we need to start preparing our ankles and even the lower leg for what scientists call, “more potential wetness.” Activists have argued that sporting the ankle sock is a dog whistle for climate change denial. That it’s arrogant to think you can just walk around with a naked ankle. No coverage? Haven’t you heard of climate change??
→ Russ & Daughters and Morgenstern's have made the New Yorkiest dessert, TimeOut
Nobody knows how much to charge for ice cream anymore. Starting June 18, you can get the ice cream no one thought to ask for with the Russ & Daughters and Morgenstern’s team-up, featuring flavors like “Sesame Bagel Ice Cream Sandwich” and “Chocolate Babka Ice Cream Pop”. $8 each? Eh, that’s about right.
→ Candy Salad Summer
Here’s a video of Aaron and his pals putting together the ultimate summer snack that for whatever reason has 11m views on Tik Tok.
Marketplace
No coffee table or toilet-top is complete without the Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around. No, not until it’s out in September 17th, but pre-order it now. BUY A BOX.
→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 7500 subscribers (half even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup
S&P 500: $5473.17
Costco Hot Dog: We’ll let you fill this one in
NIS/USD: 3.75
Vintage Seltzer bottle (plain): Around $30
A bag of soil: $15.99 (pack of 2)
Russ and Daughters x Morgenstern’s ice cream bar collab: $8 each or $18.33 each (pack of 6 shipped)
→ Joke of the Week: Larry David
Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I’m deaf and try to imagine what it’s like not to be able to hear them. It’s not that bad.
→ Complaint of the Week: Lisa Solomon (NY)
This is more of a question that a complaint. I was at a bar last with my boyfriend in Long Island. I opened a tab but didn’t give them my credit card before the bar got busy. We were sitting down, and then got up to mingle with friends before the bar got busy. Anyways. The bar got PACKED, like 4 deep, and as we were leaving I remembered that we had a couple drinks on the tab. We waited ten minutes in line trying to pay until finally my boyfriend was like, look, babe, we tried. We gotta go. So what’s the statute of limitations on paying your bill at a busy bar? Like, how long do we need to wait?
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi
Fri Jun 21:
8:31pm: Shabbos begins
9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (make sure you got a glass of water nearby)
Sat Jun 22:
3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (nothing like post-coital cholent)
9:22pm: Shabbat ends