BHIF: For Immediate Release…
Brooks/Hirsch ‘24. OJM on Late Night. Dave gets mic’d. Rotisserie eating competition. Ken Lerner, fridge-slave.
Breaking
→ An Urgent Call
Special Events
→ OJM Rotisserie Chicken Eating Contest
Yes, this is a real event. Yes, there will be a “real”, “licensed” doctor on hand. No, seriously there will be an actual medical doc there to perform CPR in case someone inexperienced contestant hacks on a chicken bone. We’re kicking this baby off at 1PM on Sunday in Park Slope directly outside of Roma Pizza. The winner is the person who can “clean bone” the fastest. We will have a panel of judges, and the winner gets a cash prize of $200 and a large Roma Pizza. Not a bad hourly wage eh? We are officially closed if you want to compete, but it’s free to attend. Also, there will be FREE merchandise given away and drinks.
Old Jewish Men Around Town
Mel can’t get enough of this shirt. How does he keep it so…un-stained?
Dave had a big week. Here he is getting mic’d up for some podcast. The podcaster was pretty upset that Dave took off his shoes and put his bare feet on the couch.
OJM? The jury is out, but how many different shades of beige can you see?
About time OJM makes Jimmy Fallon. Here’s Hannah Berner wearing our Meats shirt backstage. Apparently Jimmy couldn’t wrap his head around the joke.
This is what fridge addiction looks like. There’s nothing but condiments in there, but Ken stares into the fridge like this every six minutes throughout the day.
News
→ Man Encounters American Jews for First Time, Times of Israel
Shalom Korai was found as a baby on the street of a burning Jewish ghetto in Poland in 1943. The rest of his family perished in the Holocaust and he went to Israel in 1949 with no knowledge of any relatives. Thanks to DNA technology, his Jewish American 2nd cousin recently discovered him and invited him to come to Charleston, South Carolina, where she and the rest of the extended family live. They greeted him with a WELCOME SHALOM banner at the airport. Heartwarming stuff. And to top it all off, that banner can be re-used for just about any future Jewish person’s arrival.
Essential news. Biden says to watch out for Project 2025, a collection of conservative policy proposals from the Heritage Foundation written up in a 920 page document. We didn’t have time to read it so we turned to The Onion for highlights including: “Immigration through Ticketmaster” (who needs a wall when you can charge prohibitive service fees to keep everyone away).
Marketplace
No coffee table or toilet-top is complete without the Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around. No, not until it’s out in September 17th, but pre-order it now. BUY A BOX.
→ 80s Leather Chair ($100, Fishkill NY)
“Great condition besides a few poke marks from cat claws.” This is actually quality. It’s from the ‘80s and not Wayfair, which means it’ll last decades instead of months.
→ Sterling Silver Historical Israel Trowel ($4,999, Fort Lee NJ)
Presented to the mayor of New York City in 1948 for his support. $4,999 seems a little steep.
→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 7500 subscribers (half even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup
S&P 500: $5603.25
Average price of 1bdrm in Fort Lauderdale: Around $250k
NIS/USD: 3.63
Steel: $2041.21 (American Steel Index)
Bottled water at Yankee Stadium: $6? But you can bring your own if it’s sealed!
Pickles at Sarge’s: $3.50
→ Joke of the Week: Gary Gulman
Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it’s been done. I mean, that’s part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I’m not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run.
→ Complaint of the Week: George Kaufman (MN)
Even when I’m sitting down at a coffee shop I take my coffee in a to-go cup. Because those ceramic cups they give you cool the coffee off way too fast. If you sit down with your coffee and sip it, I guarantee you it’ll be cold in like ten minutes. There needs to be a top for ceramic cups at coffee shops to keep that heat in. Know what I’m saying???
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi
Fri Jul 12:
8:27pm: Shabbos begins
9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (lucky fella)
Sat Jul 13:
3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (twice in two days?? now she’s the lucky one)
9:16pm: Shabbat ends
Oh what joy this brings to my day.