BHIF: New York Gets 82 Toilets
A fun cure for dementia. Good for the Jews? Summer khaki. Dave notches fifty. Decaf and Chat is rowdy. Bubbles. That better not be a grapefruit!
Welcome to BHIF for Friday June 7, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.
People
→ Obit of the Week: Stanley Goldstein (89, Providence RI)
The king of value pharmacy products, Stanley Goldstein, has left the building at 89 years old. Goldstein, a business innovator who climbed the ranks of discount pharmacy by doing unusual things like, giving customers the opportunity to ‘save’ on their purchases if they ‘bagged their own groceries,’ knew how to trim costs. As Goldstein might say, it’s not what you make but rather, what you spend. Instead of calling the business by its real name, Consumer Value Stores, Goldstein demanded that every store sign be changed to CVS in order to save money on the letters. Every letter is damn pricey, he insisted. Goldstein was also severely nearsighted, but that’s not what got him in the end.
→ OJM Look of the Week
→ Old Jewish Men Around Town
Events
Every first Sunday of the month OJM is hosting Decaf and Chat at Mile End Deli in Brooklyn. What can you expect? First of all, it's free to come. We’ll have TVs blasting summer sports; baseball, tennis and golf. There will be free decaf with every food purchase, “exclusive” new merchandise, old guys, young guys, nice lookin women, and caffeinated coffee upon request. It starts un-promptly at 4PM and goes until 7PM. Come and sit. And if you want this flier on a t-shirt (along with some newly released OJM junk), you gotta show up. 80% of success is getting out of bed, putting your pants on, and shaking a few hands so people know you give a shit. ADDRESS: 97 Hoyt St, Brooklyn, NY 11217.
News
→ Future OJM Economics: Uncle Eph’s Market Corner
Trade of the week: Put spreads on Nvidia
Once you overhear Janet from HR talking about Nvidia stock in the kitchen at work, it's official: NVDA is a bubble.
Bubble's always have the best stories behind them. That's why they become bubbles. This story is a good one: Artificial intelligence! It's the hottest thing since Organic Intelligence!
Well. AI will probably be big, sure. The truth is though, we have no idea what the hell to do with it. It's a solution, but we haven't figured out the problem yet. And look, I'm ready to cede that AI could end up as the most important economic development since the wine bottle opener (for centuries, bottles remained unopened because nobody could uncork them. This is the origin of aged wine). But even in the best case scenario, the revenue this company would have to make to merit a $3 Trillion valuation is just silly.
But you can't short this stock. That's suicide. Bubbles can go on for a very long time, even when everyone knows their bubbles. But you can buy put spreads–the cheapest way to bet on a collapse. For the cost of an overpriced sushi dinner, you can put yourself in a position to buy an overpriced car if the stock halves by election day.
Not financial advice. Consult a licensed advisor before making any financial decisions. OJM assumes no liability for this trade blowing up in your face.
→ Sports: The Mets report: How sweep it is! For everyone tuned out, the Metsies went to Washington to drain the swamp (and sweep the Nats). What’s changed? Benching Jeff McNeil and his feckless batting certainly tipped off the Mets O and cranked up their D. Now we head to LUNDON for a pair of games against the Phils and a home series against the Fins.
This week’s bet: We hate to say it but…the Celtics are good. VERY good and with Porzingis, that 7’3 monster center with an eight foot wingspan who can pull-up from anywhere, they might be unstoppable. However, that doesn’t mean they the C’s don’t hiccup in the Lone Star state. The Celtics are notorious bed wetters, and they let the Mavs back in last night in the 3rd after going up 30 in the first half. Take the MAVS Game 2, but the Celtics to win the series in 5 if Porzingis doesn’t break his pinky toe.
→ Thanks to us New York City gets toilets — 82 to be exact. We’ve been campaigning for this for decades. Here’s the fellas making a fuss in front of Trump Tower years ago. We were far enough away that they couldn’t get rid of us.
Everyone wants to know how the city’s new 4 million dollar cans won’t become shit-caked, crack dens within weeks? Simple, they self clean and the door is on a timer. Every time you crap it’s gonna cost you a quarter, and the stall will fill up with soapy water the moment you flush. So if you’re one of those eccentric people who enjoys smearing your feces while shooting up, the door will open on you at the end of your journey. So make it fun, and quick!
Marketplace
No coffee table or toilet-top is complete without the Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around. No, not until it’s out in September 17th, but pre-order it now.
→ Jewish Country Club China ($125, Owings Mills MD)
Got rejected from the country club? Can’t afford it? Now you can start your own with this 44 piece set.
→ Vintage Copco Space Age Rack ($44)
Geometric patterned spice rack that can be attached to a wall
→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 7500 subscribers (half even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup
S&P 500: $5352.96
Hebrew National Beef Hot Dog: $6.49 for 6 ($1.08 a piece)
NIS/USD: 3.72
Doctor Browns Wild Cherry: $1.58 (in a case of 36)
A gallon of paint: $14.54 (in a case of 11)
Bodega Peanut M&Ms: $2.50 (in midtown)
2nd Avenue Deli Blintz plate: Unclear
→ Joke of the Week: Milton Berle
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.”
→ Complaint of the Week: Lizzy Stein (CT)
What happened to free breakfast? When I was a kid I remember going to hotels with my parents and there would always be a nice free breakfast spread in the morning. Recently I was on a business trip and they practically laughed in my face when I asked what time breakfast starts. It’s either there’s a non-existent breakfast or they say there’s breakfast on the website and it’s just coffee and a few muffins. At this point in the American economy I guess we have to take what we can get. But if you go to European hotels they always have a comped breakfast.
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi
Fri Jun 7:
8:25pm: Shabbos begins
8:59pm: First time to count the Omer
9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (get a heart monitor)
Sat Jun 8:
3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (lucky her…)
9:00pm: First time to count the Omer
9:16pm: Shabbat ends
PPS - I missed the mitzvah advice. It's there. (Phew)
I LOVE your weekly updates and Talmidic advice. I bought the book. I'm THINKING and agonizing about being a paid subscriber. PS - No miztvah advice for this Shabbos??