BHIF: Prostate health hack…

It’s already hanukkah?? OJM Marketwatch. Dijon or Yellow? Mike's Amazing Mustard. One cucumber per kid. Introducing the Bagel Dog. Where’s Aaron? Costco Halloween.

Welcome to BHIF for Friday November 1, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.

No Tech Shabbat?

At least 34 people are interested in limiting their shabbos tech exposure. Fan engagement here is lower numbers than Dave getting himself scanned at Costco (120m views) or Dave on making bagel-dogs (3k likes), but here on Substack we’ll take 34. 

How would you start? 

Confused as to what you’d be doing without your phone for 25 hours? How about picking up a book for once? Try reading Old Jewish Men (not the comments on Dave’s latest video). Claire Leibowicz for Tablet (article from 2021) highlights OJM books including Genius and Anxiety by Norman Lebrecht, For Two Thousand Years by Mihail Sebastian, and When General Grant Expelled the Jews by Jonathan Sarna. Reading’s exhausting. Now it’s time for a double mitzvah. 

OJM Health 

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OJM Around Town

Guaranteed to make any man single by Nov 1. Dressing up like Dave: It’s quicker than building years of resentment/litigation. 

You can buy the yarmulke but you gotta earn the mitzvahs yourself. Or if you’re rich you can outsource them. 

Beware, OJM has infiltrated grocery store shopping lists. Buy Mikes. Dump Grey POOpon.

Don’t be a chazar, kid. 

Lock your doors, ladies. Aaron’s back on the prowl. Whoa, are those pants mail-ordered from Haban?? 

News

→ Kalshi’s Costco Market in Marketwatch

Kalshi is on fire as the first prediction market site to offer legal betting on the election market (Polymarket is crypto only and Americans “aren’t” allowed to use it). First Dave and now Marketwatch are highlighting the Kalshi Costco hot dog market. At press time the hot dog price at 39% to go up by the end of 2026. A $10 bet on YES profits $15 and a $10 bet on NO is scores a $3 profit. 

→ Sports

Lebron’s son, Bronny James landed his first NBA bucket this week. As cute as it was, betting markets aren’t sentimental. Everyone wants to know: was this Bronny’s first bucket and last bucket? There’s also a bet on when he’ll score his next bucket. The smart money is on three months from today. Poor kid. It’s time to get your bus ticket to the G league. 

→ Stankees

The Yanks crapped the bed, but is anyone surprised? If the zebras hadn’t cheated the Mets out of the national league series, there’s no doubt they would have creamed the Stankees. How do we know? Well, the Mets beat the Dodgers twice. How many did Yogi’s boys get? 

Hanukkah Marketplace

Hanukkah is late this year…and we’re early. We’ll be having a best menorah competition this year, so look early and look often. 

→ Costco Branch Menorah ($37.99)

Not to brag too much, but last year we got this menorah for $9.99 -- it was listed at $19.99 and had a $10 discount (and this was still days before Hanukkah). If you’re willing to dish out an extra $28, you can have the official and only (?) Costco menorah. 

→ Broke Boy Menorah ($75, Needham MA)

Adopt the official stance of the broke boy with this “artistic pewter” menorah. Of course, if you were really broke, you’d just get a free Chabad menorah. 

→ Silver Traveling Menorah ($275, Israel)

Not to brag too much again, but we recently acquired this one from an auction (and haven’t gotten it yet). It was made in England in 1889 by Wright & Davies -- very modest and efficient, just how we like them.

→ Vintage Brass Chanukkah Menorah ($25, Mount Kisco NY)

This one was sold (not to us). If you’re bad at spelling or bad at deciding which spelling to use, this will solve your problems. Unclear if the dried wax was included. 

→ Classifieds: Want to run your own classified in this very section? Reach over 8000 subscribers (a few even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net. 

Weekly Mishmash

→ Market Roundup

Dow Jones: $41763.46

Average price of a space pen: $79 

NIS/USD: 3.74

Lap dance at Flashdancers (NY): $30 (plus tip)

Colonoscopy, Boston: $1302

→ Joke of the Week (Rodney Dangerfield): 

“On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.” 

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

Fri Oct 25: 

5:51pm: Shabbat begins

Sat Oct 26: 

6:32pm: Shabbat ends