BHIF: The Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around
Bob picks fruit. Aaron loves Pills. It Stinks like ‘73. Treadmill desks are stupid. Nuggets over Knicks? FAH. Look, Morey, a book for us!
Welcome to BHIF for Friday May 10, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.
Old Jewish Men: The Book
That’s right, we’ve got a book. Well, we’ve got a cover with a pre-order link. This book is cheap…DIRT CHEAP. Literally, it’s cheaper than a bag of soil. See? And if you’re really smart, you'll read the Old Jewish Men’s Guidebook and then use the leftover paper as kindling to burn your house down for the insurance money. Now that's a real bang for your book.
But really, please pre-order it. We’re trying to keep the sanka flowing around here at the office and Mussy Skittleman keeps drinking it all.
Here’s a sneak peek at the delicate pages of this soon-to-be timeless literary masterpiece:
And here are some photos of the guys getting first read.
→ Bob, Dave, and Aaron proofreading
→ Dani Luv checking it out
→ Bob is entertained
Old Jewish Men Around Town
→ The Tangerine King is back at it again. This time…with bananas! We’re starting a new series about fruit. Bob swears by fruit as a tool to lose weight. Forget about the great taste of Moroccan tangerines, Bob lost 11 pounds eating bags of nothing but the stuff. Well, that and a few liters of diet coke every day. No one’s perfect. Here he is using his fruit picking expertise to find the perfect banana. Click to watch the video.
→ Aaron loves pills. In fact, he likes wolfing pills so much that he doesn’t even bother eating fruits or vegetables. Swallowing thirty capsules everyday is a hell of a lot easier than going grocery shopping, cooking or any of that other crap. If the blood work is ok, then proceed. And according to Aaron’s doc, Aaron’s in fine health and is “probably not gonna die anytime soon.” Watch the video here.
News
→ The Knicks Report: Last week there was a stench in the air but it was hard to tell if it was shit or shinola. This week, the cross breeze is less fetid and a bit more clear. The thing in the air, that tinge of excitement that’s not totally irrational, feels like 1973 all over again. Can you hear it whispering? …Jalen…Jalen…
If you don’t know anything about 1973 , it’s the last time the Knicks won the NBA Championship. Then came the suffering…the Stark years, the Ewing years the Sprewell years and of course the hatchet in the heart..Reggie Miller.
Two nights ago proved how good the boys can actually be. After game one it wasn’t wrong to say that the Knicks need Jalen Brunson to score 40 points a game to win - it’s just the truth. That all changed last night when Brunson went down in the first half, leaving the fellas to generate offense without him. That they did! Somehow they stuck with the Pacers, a spry, long-winged team and pulled it out. Without Robinson and Brunson and then OG, the Knicks proved to be indestructible. Who knows what Indiana will bring at home, but Game 2 was a paradigm shift. Perhaps we won’t suffer until the third round this year when they meet the green team. Massholes.
Here’s our bet: take Minnesota over the Knicks at +1400. If you don’t like that one, take a long shot and bet the Nuggets over the Knicks at 60/1. A buck earns you sixty bones. Don’t sweat, BET.
→ Exercise Time: Very few people know how to use a treadmill desk. Ambitious buyers think it’s some casual thing you can get and your life will miraculously change, but it’s not. Walking and typing is an art form, like masturbating while on a Zoom call. Statisticians claim that 99% of people who buy treadmill desks throw them out within two years of purchase. The main reason? Buyers are unable to find their walking-typing rhythm. It can take years to master this groove. Perhaps the most well known treadmill-desk user, Woody Allen, says that he “owes it all to the treadmill desk” and wouldn’t be anywhere without it. “If not for the desk I might still be sitting, or standing, or a combination of both,” he wrote to us.
Fat activist, Virginia Sole-Smith argues that it’s better not to move at all. Smith says that even simple movements like getting up for a snack of peanut butter clusters or using the toilet is potentially unhealthy. The bottom line, if you’re gonna sit there all day, keep someone around who can bring you food while your ass marinates.
→ Super Agers: A Super Ager is a person in their 80s with the mind/memory of a person in their 50s to 60. Dave and Aaron were not studied for this test, but we suspect they would fail with flying colors. The one consistency in the study is that the sharper minds have stronger social relationships. In a related study, the young and the old are feeling lonely, and suddenly reinvigorated simply by going outside and talking to people. Eh, that sounds like more trouble than it’s worth.
→ What a great scam: Matthew Bergwall was like every other UMiami undergrad fixated on flashy crap like crypto and luxury clothing. Bergwell was even slightly more annoying than your average kid from Miami. He rolled around campus in a Tesla with a $40k Rolex, covered in Gucci. When grilled, he claimed to be making money from a venture fund, which usually need 5-10 years to pay off…yet somehow he was rolling in dough. Turns out he was running a “refunding” scam. Refunding is when you buy an item and then get your money back without actually returning it. A major way to pull this off is FTID (Fake Tracking ID), when you return an empty box but alter the address or, better yet, get an insider at UPS to faux scan the package that never existed. Bergwall did this with about 10k packages totaling $5 million bucks. It’s hard to explain that much cash, and the Feds quickly caught on. Moral of the story? Stick to little scams like building an empire using a stable of old men. It’s better to get rich slowy. Very, very slowy.
Marketplace
→ Vintage Cookie Lamp ($60, Prospect CT)
A styrofoam chocolate chip cookie lamp with realistic cookie undulation
→ 1970s Funeral Car Sign ($65, West Haven CT)
Hate stopping at red lights? Start your own funeral procession with this vintage sign from the 70s.
→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 7500 subscribers (half even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup:
S&P 500: $5214.08
Hebrew National Beef Hot Dog: $6.49 for 6 ($1.08 a piece)
NIS/USD: 3.72
Yonah Schimmel’s Knish: $5.50
Can of beer at a Mets game: We don’t know! Let us know if you do. (Still waiting.)
Dunkin Donuts Donut: $2.29
Uranium: $93.25
→ Joke of the Week: “You can lead a man to congress, but you can’t make him think.” -- Milton Berle
→ Complaint of the Week:
“There needs to be an alternative to cardboard boxes. I’m sick to death of everyone sending things in cardboard. It’s not that I think cardboard is bad for the environment (is it????) but it takes up so much space, even when you fold it down and stick it in the corner. Maybe there’s an alternative? Also when it gets wet it’s awful. Like when a package is delivered and then it rains. Cardboard is NOT waterproof!” -- Leslie Feinburg (LA)
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi:
Fri May 10:
8:02pm: Shabbos Begins
8:34pm: First time to count the Omer
9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (the usual routine)
Sat May 11:
3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (maybe it'll be triplets this time)
8:35pm: First time to count the Omer
8:49pm: Shabbat ends