BHIF: The Texas Jewboys…
Raw dogging. Sauna Dreams Premiere June 30th! The Mets roll over the Yanks. The Towel Thief. Note from the Editor.
Note from the editor. For the past seven months we’ve noticed a lot of people, probably you, and you over there in the back row blowing your nose (don’t think we didn’t see you come in) reading our newsletter and not ponying up the cash. Yeah, yeah it’s free it’s free. But if you really enjoy BHIF consider putting up some shekels for the fellas at the OJM Offices.
What’s five bucks these days? Bupkis. It’s two cups of drip coffee sans tip. It’s less than a roundtrip on any metro in western Europe. It’s a quarter of a pack of cigarettes in New York. It’s a danish at just about any coffee shop across the country. It’s a fourth of the cost of one copy of The Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around. Most importantly, if you have the right accountant, it’s a write off.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday June 28, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.
Sauna Dreams!
Come to the free screening of Sauna Dreams, an Old Jewish Men production, at Film Noir Cinema on Sunday June 30th. This RSVP required! Q&A to follow.
**The 6:00pm showing is full! Act fast to get spots in the new 6:30pm or the 7:00pm.**
People
→ OJM Obit of the Week: Kinky Friedman (79, Austin TX)
Kinky Friedman, arguably the first chosen fella to play live guitar on Saturday Night Live, a humorist, musician and cigar addict, takes his last puff at 79. Kinky and his band, The Texas Jewboys, toured with Bob Dylan. Throughout his life Kinky sported thick sideburns, made fun of feminism, and ran for governor on a ticket that pushed for lowering the speed limit from 55 to 54.9. Miraculously, Kinky got fourth in the race. Kinky’s greatest disappointment in life is that he didn’t outlast Bob Dylan. While existing in Dylan’s shadow, he at least wanted to outlive the guy so that he could tell everyone that he was the first Jew to do it. Most will remember Bob, and thanks to this obit, some will remember the ways of the Kink.
→ Old Jewish Men Around Town
The perfect cut. Old Jewish Men understand that shorts are less about coverage and more about ventilation. While the space between the end of the short and the sock is small, it limits sunlight exposure and increases airflow.
An Old Jewish Man loses his patience, shoving his cart through Friday morning Costco gridlock.
Dave ran into a couple of fans wearing his famous scan me shirt. These girls avoided LED’s.
We met up with Shem to hear more about his Candy Salad choices. it was a tough decision between Walgreens brand cough drops and his usual go to: raisins.
There’s a new talent in the OJM universe. A woman? Well, never say never. Amalia insists that an Old Jewish Woman candy salad would be a hell of a lot tastier.
News
→ Start spreading the news…the Metsies SWEPT the Stankees! After YUGE wins against the cross-town rivals, our very own OJM beat reporter Kipper Turnstiles cornered Mets manager Carlos Mendoza in the “restrictive access” parking lot outside of City Field, where the manager denied reports that the recent uptick in team soup consumption is the primary reason for better on-field performance. Mendoza hinted that the team uses soup as “a motivator,” and they pass out bowls of bowls of soup when the team outperforms. However, Mendoza refused to answer what kind of soup they’re slurping over at Citi Field. No matter how you slice it, well, you can’t really..but you can sure try!
→ Why Men Are ‘Rawdogging’ Flights, GQ
“For some reason I don't like processing new information when I'm in the air.” Young men think they’re originators, but they didn’t come up with this bit. Since the beginning of air travel, you’ll never see an Old Jewish Man taking advantage of in-flight entertainment. Don’t need it – not when they can chew. That’s right, if you ever look closely, Old Jewish Men have long entertained themselves wherever they go by partaking in an activity called “idle chewing.” If you study an Old Jewish Man on a flight, you will notice him chewing for the entirety of the voyage. But what? Is it gum? Yesterday’s food? Is there a skin tag on his tongue? Well, he’s chewing nothing, but his mouth is in motion as he sits there completely still, staring straight ahead in the abyss, breaking the trance only to pee every five minutes or so.
→ The Debate, CNN
“Biden is saying true shit incoherently. Trump is saying fake shit coherently.” Well, it’s time to make a decision. Do you want the guy who is a husk of his former self or the guy who has always been a husk of an actual person? You never know, maybe America will luck out and they’ll both drop dead before election day.
Marketplace
No coffee table or toilet-top is complete without the Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around. No, not until it’s out in September 17th, but pre-order it now. BUY A BOX.
→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 7500 subscribers (half even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup
Dow Jones: $39,281
OJM Meats shorts: $60
NIS/USD: 3.76
Vintage Seltzer bottle (single): $1.22
A bag of soil: $15.99 (pack of 2)
→ Joke of the Week: “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” - Henny Youngman
→ Complaint of the Week: NO SUBMISSION THIS WEEK. C’MON SEND ONE IN! COMPLAIN!
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi
Fri Jun 28:
8:31pm: Shabbos begins
9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (put the hips into it)
Sat Jun 29:
3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (don’t forget a hankerchef)
9:21pm: Shabbat ends