BHIF: We nominate…
OJM fashion heats up. Gettin chai. New member of the Candy Gang. Live from the Sauna Dreams premiere. The bullpen STINKS.
Note from the editor. For the past seven months we’ve noticed a lot of people, probably you, and you over there in the back row blowing your nose (don’t think we didn’t see you come in) reading our newsletter and not ponying up some cash. Yeah, yeah it’s free it’s free. But if you really enjoy BHIF consider ponying up some shekels for the fellas at the OJM Offices.
What’s five bucks these days? Bupkis. It’s two cups of drip coffee sans tip. It’s less than a roundtrip on any metro in western Europe. It’s a quarter of a pack of cigarettes in New York. It’s a danish at just about any coffee shop across the country. It’s a fourth of the cost of one copy of The Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around. Most importantly, if you have the right accountant, it’s a write off. What’s a write off? No idea. Click here to contribute.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday July 5, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.
People
→ We nominate Mel Brooks, who is 98 and shows no signs of slowing down, to replace Joe Biden on the democratic ticket. Democrats argue he has more life experience, he’s funnier and can string several sentences together. To prove that Mel’s really up for the job, his team leaked this video of him reciting the abc’s backwards while playing a Bach fugue.
→ Old Jewish Men Around Town
Here’s Director Frederick Wiseman having a laugh.
Dick Carroll gets Chai. While the chai looks good, he’s still short a few fistfuls of chest hair. If you look closely, you can see the outline of OJM Big Talk, our short-lived podcast that our lawyer advised us to give up on.
Local Business Man Tommy Stern wearing his OJM WHINY hat before heading to a big meeting.
Shem hanging out, stunting on the set of the Candy Salad music video.
A rear-theatre view of last weeks Sauna Dreams screening at Film Noir.
Fans can’t get enough. Maybe they read about Dave in this Washington Post article, published yesterday.
Move over, fellas. A star was born this week on the set of the Candy Salad video. She’s high energy. Meet Esther. She can sing and she’s tan.
OJM Newsletter Poll
News
→ Brotox, Town and Country Mag
Men doubled the number of plastic surgery procedures they got from 2019 to 2022 and are mostly getting nose jobs, eyelid lifts, and facelifts. So does this mean we’re getting better looking or uglier? Or are people just better at acknowledging how ugly they are? Maybe there are just more mirrors and water puddles now than there used to be. Either way, if you want to get that beak fixed and you got the cash, go for it. But don’t you dare put a fake rug on that noggin.
→ Size Matters, Old Jewish Men Special Instagram Report
The Old Jewish Men Value Team finally reappeared to do an in depth July 4 hot dog analysis. Not only did the poorly funded financial desk analyze calories per dollar, but also such features as volume, weight, and snap sound. There were even some qualitative taste decisions that went into naming Nathan’s Famous the OJM pick. Several complained that the hot dogs aren’t kosher. Aside from official circle U and triangle K kosher symbols, there’s the OJM kosher stamp of approval: K E - Kosher enough. If it’s all beef it’s K E.
→ The Mets Report
It’s been vertigo the past few weeks. The offense remains hot, but the bullpen STINKS. This past week, the Mets failed to sweat out two close ones in DC, ultimately splitting the four-game series against the Nats. Our advice to the team? Learn to sweat better. Most people think that a good shvitz is all about volume, but it’s more about learning to control your sweat. The buddha was so in control of his perspiration that he could squeeze drops down his brow – Michael Jordan could do this too. Do you know who can’t do this? Bronny James. Another reason why he shouldn't have been drafted. Many people don’t know this, but sweating is a skill that you can practice, just like anything else. Get completely naked, go in the sauna, crank up the heat and focus on each individual droplet. Squeeze. Close your eyes. Squeeze…now you got it… oh, and if you leave the sauna before the other naked guy, you lose.
→ Biden Just Needs A Nap, NYTimes
“After Gov. Josh Green of Hawaii, a physician, asked Mr. Biden questions about the status of his health, Mr. Biden replied that his health was fine. “It’s just my brain,” he added, according to three people familiar with what took place — a remark that some in the room took as a joke, including Gov. Kathy Hochul of New York, according to a person close to her. But at least one governor did not, and was puzzled by it.”
Whether if it’s self-deprecating humor implying minor brain issues or a non-joke implying major brain issues, Biden isn’t looking too good and the prediction markets on the dem nomination burst into action after the debate, showing Kamala at 31%, Newsom at 9%, and Whitmer at 7% as of publication.
Marketplace
No coffee table or toilet-top is complete without the Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around. No, not until it’s out in September 17th, but pre-order it now. BUY A BOX.
Support OJM with our first official casket partnership. They’ve got so many options that you’re guaranteed to find the perfect one! It’s never too early to start shopping for eternity!
→ Large Wood Jewish Star ($135, Montville NJ)
We have no idea what one would do with this, but it’s large and Jewish.
→ Jewish Grandparents Artwork ($30, Merrick NY)
A nice framed artwork with text about grandparents and their families, that seems like it could describe any family, except it throws in random Yiddish words and is surrounded by Jewish symbols like a menorah and a torah scroll.
→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 7500 subscribers (half even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup
S&P 500: $5482.87
Average price of 1bdrm in Jerusalem: $655k for small apt in center
NIS/USD: 3.71
Steel: $2019.62 (American Steel Index)
Mets cap at Citi Field: $34 and change.
Pickles at Katz Deli: Free (with purchase of over-priced sandwich) or a buck of piece with no purchase)
→ Joke of the Week: Groucho Marx
She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
→ Complaint of the Week: (Danielle, Florida)
You want a complaint? Here’s a complaint. I’ve got thousands. Why is it that when you order something online and then return it they take a chunk of money out of the reimbursement. I’m sorry you’re telling me that I have to foot the bill to mail back YOUR shitty product? After you screwed it so badly that I went through all the trouble to send it back when I would normally just put it out on the lawn for some chump to pick up? You’re joking. You’re fucking joking. I should be compensated for that.
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi
Fri Jul 4:
8:30pm: Shabbos begins
9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (stop grunting so much)
Sat Jul 5:
3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (she owes you a foot rub after this one)
9:19pm: Shabbat ends
Why is this night different from all other nights? Because on this night we celebrate Shabbat on Thursday night!