BHIF: Another Exodus in the books...
Josh has got heart. Paul Auster. Karen is back! Getting down with Dani Luv. Is this 1973? The bagel renaissance. Americans keep buying crap.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday May 3, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.
People
→ Obit of the Week: Paul Auster (77, Brooklyn)
Paul Auster, the great novelist of Brooklyn, takes a bow at 77. It’s considered a tragedy when an Old Jewish Men falls so short of centenarian age. A Park Slope resident hailing from Jersey, Auster was well-known for his blue collar writing schedule. He pecked at his typewriter seven days a week for six hours and wrote 34 books, including the New York Trilogy. In his early days, like any smart young wordsmith with a little success, Auster moved his operation to Paris for a bit, where he chained-smoked and shtupped lipsticked women named Claudette and Claudine who found his gravelly voice charming and his cowled eyes transcendent. Well, at the end of the day life gives you a bill, and all that chain smoking caught up to ol’ Pauly-boy – lung cancer is what got him in the end. Was it worth it? What’s life about if not for the memories of a writerly youth, steamy nights cooing and cawing, mashing merlot stained teeth and bitter tongues canal-side with philo-semitic Parisian broads?
→ OJM Look of the Week: Dani Luv
A sneak peak from our latest fashion shoot with Dani Luv for his exclusive merchandise line
Old Jewish Men Around Town
→ Specimen 1: Suspend This
Pro tip: Why buy the paper if you can stand there and read it? Mets suspenders, no ass, and enormous shoes. This fella’s the whole package.
→ Specimen 2: Mel Ottenberg in OJM
The Editor in Chief of Interview Magazine says Enough is Enough
→ Specimen 3: Karen is Back in Action!
Here’s Karen hanging out at Cousin John’s where she inhaled a full spread of eggs and potatoes soaked in ketchup and croissants with jam. When in doubt, live it up!
News
→ Sports: You smell that? It’s starting to smell like 1973. If you don’t understand the reference, look it up, Charlie! A clutch shot by Josh Hart, without a doubt the least reliable offensive player on the Knicks, sealed the win for the fellas last night. Jaylen Brunson dribbled himself into the corner and had no choice but to trust his teammate who ended up not screwing it for once. Alright, one series down and now the Pacers. It’s impossible not to remember the Reggie Miller days, the skinny kid who lived at the three point line and talked shit to Michael Jordan. Well, he never won a ring and now he’s a below average analyst. Life’s depressing. Regardless, we like the Knicks in five, which is +450. Look for Brunson to score less this series, so take the UNDER on his point totals.
→ The Bagel Renaissance: Ffffffeh! to the New Yorker who couldn’t wait two more days for Pesach to be over before they ran this bad boy. If you think there’s more to know about bagels, this one’s for you. They cover the great NYC vs. LA debate, a showdown that Courage Bagels made more interesting ever since they were crowned king a couple years ago. There’s a good section in the article that argues bagels belong in a paper sack and that the jaw should get a bit of a workout with each bite, which can be attributed to “low-hydration dough”. All said and done, if it has a hole and costs no more than 12 bucks-a-dozen, we’re happy! When in doubt go to Bagel Hole on 7th Avenue.
→ Blade transports more organs than people: Blade is ostensibly a service to fly people from Manhattan to the Hamptons or JFK/Newark airports. The airport trips are $195, but customers are responsible for getting themselves to the helipads and are only allowed one carry-on item, which means that the convenience and time-savings are somewhat limited. However, the proof is in the kasha: Blade had $99m in passenger revenue, BUT Blade had even more revenue from organ transplants. These guys are now the biggest air transporter of human organs in America.
If you would subscribe to this newsletter then maybe we could also pivot -- from hocking merch to Substack revenue!!!!!
→ Americans love cheap crap: One might think there’s some sort of ceiling to the quantity of junk one single American can hoard. Pre-pandemic Americans were more willing to shell out on experiences than goods, but since the pandemic it’s trended back to goods and hasn’t subsided. We’re not talking about the Sharper Image, either. No, no, we’re talkin about cheapest, crappiest goods. It’s the American way. Why do you think Temu is printing dough? Americans live on car vacuum cleaners, Paw Patrol keychains, and dog-paw slipper socks.
Marketplace
→ Knicks Coinbase Socks ($100, Bronx NY)
Another way to simultaneously support the Knicks and Bitcoin.
→ Abstract Steel Sculpture ($175, Brooklyn NY)
Kinda cool, right? And if it was being shown at one of the art fairs going on this weekend you’d have to add another 0 to the price tag.
→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 7500 subscribers (half even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup:
S&P 500: $5064.20
Hebrew National Beef Hot Dog: $6.49 for 6 ($1.08 a piece)
NIS/USD: 3.72
Blintzes at B&H Dairy: $6.00
Popcorn at a Mets game: No idea! Let us know.
Filet-O-Fish: $5.79
Silver: $26.76
→ Joke of the Week: “It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” - Seinfeld
→ Complaint of the Week: Gary Stein (70, Long Island): “My wife received the worst gift ever. A plant. Never give anyone a plant. Plants are very specific items and they shed or smell bad. They can also be prickly. You have to pick out your own plants. Never give a plant as a gift, it’s like giving someone a painting for their house. Very risky. Give someone a gift that they can use in one go, like chocolate.”
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi:
Fri May 3:
7:55pm: Shabbos Begins
8:26pm: First time to count the Omer
9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (thrust for dear life)
Sat May 4:
3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (maybe it'll be twins this time)
8:28pm: First time to count the Omer
8:41pm: Shabbat ends
“What’s life about if not for the memories of a writerly youth, steamy nights cooing and cawing, mashing merlot stained teeth and bitter tongues canal-side with philo-semitic Parisian broads? “
Probably the best sentence I’ve read in a long time.
P.S. if anyone happens to be in Orange County, CA (I know I know) Shirley’s Bagel is the BEST. Chewy for sure. When I lived in NYC I had yet to find anything as good.
I’m at the Bagel Hole in my mind, a couple blocks from my son. Yum. No good bagels in Maryland. I make bagel runs to NJ with orders from all my neighbors. I’m the Jersey Bagel Girl. Thanks for jokes. 🦕