Baruch Hashem It's Friday (BHIF): 97 is too soon
Meet our single of the week. Dirt cheap NY-Miami flight. Complaints? Obits! Black and white cookie Oreos? Go Mets.
Welcome to the first edition of BHIF for Friday January 5, 2023. Baruch Hashem (Thank Gd) it’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we tackle all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Shidduchs. Market watch. You get the picture.
→ Obit of the Week: Shecky Greene by Peter Keepnews
Shecky was rowdy, often drunk, and a hell of a lot of fun. He crashed cars, smoked cigars and put his hand down pants that weren’t always his own. Good for Shecky. The tragedy? He only made it to 97. Old Jewish Men are known to consistently crack the triple digit club and Shecky didn’t quite make it – oy. Known for his clean humor, Greene made headlines when he stormed out of the Friars Club after seeing Gilbert Gottfried’s raunchy act. Shecky came from a different generation of comedy. Long live Gilbert (even though he’s dead).
Shecky’s most famous joke goes like this (and it’s a true story that took place on the strip):
“Frank Sinatra once saved my life,” Greene would say. “A bunch of guys were beating on me and Frank said, ‘OK that’s enough.’”
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi:
Fri Jan 5:
4:42pm: Shabbos Begins
9:10pm: Double Mitzvah Time
Sat Jan 6:
2:03pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2
5:28pm Shabbat ends
→ Market Roundup:
S&P 500: $4688.68
Beef Brisket (average cost in the US): $6.76 ($4.98 at Sam’s Club) NIS/USD: 3.66
Gas: $2.11
Zabar’s Bagel: $1.75
Gold: $2044.33
Where are we putting our money? With the market in the toilet to start 2024 and two wars crankin’ overseas, it might not be the worst idea to ease up on the risk assets. Exposure? No one wants to get caught with their pants down when the tide goes out. Get yourself a Roth IRA. Sure, you gotta live to a certain age to see the fruits of this tax free cash, but the Roth is the best of both worlds. You can invest in equities while not paying taxes.
→ OJM Shidduch Spotlight: Dylan Bickel, 22, NYC
Dylan Bickel is a single New York local. Here is the bio he asked us to include:
I'm a lil chunky, film is my life, but it all balances out since I’m 6’2”.
I was born in Saginaw, MI (same as Stevie Wonder) but throughout the year find myself working in Detroit, Cleveland, New York, and Chicago. I love to thrift.
My goals for the year are to get healthier, see Dead & Co at Citi Field :( & try book a small role on East NY (just in an attempt to meet Richard Kind)
In my 22yrs I’m proud to report i've successfully snuck into (1) SNL afterparty (they believed I was Al Franken's nephew), tackled Adam Driver (2) (on accident), and am now SAG eligible (as of Aug “22) (3) So YOU know I can bring home the (for-lack-of-a-better-word)...Blisters! (on my feet from dancing in the street) I'm kidding….. BACON ($$$)
My grandmother Carol tells me in Bayerisch that she needs to see another “Sie Leben Hoch” (the extra German Horah) essentially sometime in her life again and I'm the one to do it! You can HELP me make her dreams a reality by giving me a call and i’ll take you out on the town.
Hit me up @thejewishthespian if you're just a nice lady who wants to see a movie, take a walk or get a slice or all the above.
Bodega Breakfast: Poppy seed bagel toasted with cream cheese or Egg&Cheese on a Roll
Best Grandma Slice In NY: (no brainer, hyped but lives UP-town) Mama’s Too (Cacio E Pepe + Angry Nona)
→ Sports: The Mets have failed to make any major off season acquisitions. Unfortunately the beginning of 2024 looks a lot like the end of 2023 for our boys. Luis Severino remains the team’s most expensive signing of the offseason on a one-year, $13 million deal following his rough final season with the Yankees. Severino will join fellow newcomer Adrian Houser, as well as Kodai Senga, Jose Quintana and — for now — possibly Tylor Megill in the rotation, with Joey Lucchesi and Jose Butto providing depth. The best thing about the Mets these days? Well, Citi Field still has the best food in the league and Citi Field continues to be the only enjoyable place in the city to watch a ball game (unless you like minor league Cyclones ball).
→ News Item of the Week #1: Look to the cookie
If you think innovation is on its way out in America, get a look at these cookies. Sure, they were already black and white, but not in the right places. Now we’ve got an oreo that’s split black and white down the middle. That’s it, folks. That’s unity..
→ News Item of the Week #2: Sit on your ass and lose pounds
The future is here. Finally, you sit on your ass and lose tons of useless flesh. All of that fat around your waist and thighs can be gone in a matter of weeks by injecting yourself with chemicals proven to curb appetite. By this time next year, with the help of the needle, you’ll be able to use a regular toilet seat (and wash every fold on your entire body!)
→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a shidduch? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 6000 subscribers (a few even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
→ OJM Bargain of the Week: There’s never been a better time to get your Key Food Club Card. This week they’re running Buy 1 Get 1 Free on assorted Entenmann’s Loaf Cakes. Max out on 4 free!
→ Future OJM Deal of the Week: While the oldsters are waddling to Macy’s and Nordstrom Rack, the new money value is in the recently updated “up to 70% off” sales at SSENSE and Mr Porter. Links are pre-set to sort by highest discount.
→ Value Florida Getaway: Temporarily migrate to OJM HQ in South Florida. Here’s the most economic flight we found for the next month: $63 roundtrip LGA-MIA from Wed Jan 17 to Mon Jan 22. NOTE: carry-on is extra, you land at 2:09am and don’t even think about picking a seat, but a deal is a deal.
→ Complaint of the Week: Radiator noise. This is one of the most underrated annoyances that will drive a person insane if it goes on all season. Depending on the level of CLANK, you might be driven to stab the person sleeping/farting next to you (can you blame me, officer?!). If you haven’t experienced an old radiator clanging in the middle of the night every night for an entire winter, you’re probably living in one of those shitty new buildings on Atlantic Avenue, or were lucky enough to be born deaf. Good for you.
{Accepting your complaint submissions by email or comment}
→ Joke of the Week: “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.” - Jackie Mason