BHIF: Absolute Bagels Goes Belly up
Is that an ascot? Pre Hanukkah. Whose baby is that?? Shul is in session. Zabar's decaf! Dave takes the A train. More Danger...field. December 19th is all you can eat! Art Corner.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday December 13, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. OJM around town. Complaint of the week. Joke of the week. You get the picture.
OJM Obituary of the Week: Victor Brombert (101, Princeton NJ)
Don’t be fooled by the ascot, Victor Brombert, who died at 101 last week, was not all he appeared to be. Brombert eventually ascended to literary fame, but long before his days as a well respected east coast academic, arguing the finer points of Balzac and Stendahl, he groped his way through the dirty entrails of the great World War. According to one bespectacled, non-mustached New York Times reporter, Alex Traub, Brombert escaped three different countries, and made his way to America by hiding inside a “banana freighter amid some 1,200 other dysentery-plagued refugees”. Sometimes you just gotta want it…Brombert spoke five languages, stormed the beach of Normandy, fought in the Battle of the Bulge, and eventually found himself back in Berlin, his place of birth, just in time to interrogate and arrest Nazi officials. In the end Brombert will likely not be known for his valor and bravery, or his academic accomplishments, but rather for being the only man brave enough to wear an ascot around downtown New Haven.
OJM News of the Week: An Absolute Closure
Absolute Bagels on the UWS closed this week. It all started with a surprise “WE ARE CLOSED” sign posted on the door. Neighborhood pessimists understood this to mean that the shop is going belly up, which seems like a pretty good guess…
The bright spot here? Absolute Bagels gave out some freebies for once and also people of the UWS will be subjected to fewer lines.
Some excellent quotes from the NYT:
“This is, like, a cataclysmic event in the bagel world,” said Sam Silverman, a bagel maven.
“I’m heartbroken,” she said, before catching herself and acknowledging, “Of all the wrongs in the world, a bagel store closing is pretty low on the list.”
Oh baby…
About time we corner the future OJM baby market. After all, babies are the future, which is great for business!
Art Corner
Local artist, Rita Zimmerman pictured with a rare early piece — an elephant painting titled, “Elephants Bathing”. After an anonymous collector bid six-figures for a Zimmerman painting, there’s been a surge of interest in her rare early works. For stores of value over the next few decades, gold, Bitcoin, and Zimmermans are a proven bet.
Wonderful texture and color in this work depicting the majesty of the elephant.
OJM Around Town
Hell of a neck on that turtleneck
Many good hours to come on the toilet with this guidebook…
As a child she auditioned for Annie Hall (true story)
Lookit that fashionable, intergenerational clergy
Aaron got a free bag of decaf at the Zabar's 90th birthday party
How many different shades of khaki do you see in this picture?
We did the cranial measurements…Dave is the 2nd biggest head on the new commemorative Metrocard
Upcoming Events
Want your event to show up here? Reach over 11,500 subscribers (a few even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net!
Soon
Dec 14/15: Tablet Hanukkah Bazaar (Iron23, Flatiron NYC)
Get your student ID ready cause it’s only $5 for students ($18 for everyone else). Open from 6:30-10pm on the 14th and 10am-5pm on the 15th.
Dec 14: OJM After Hours (Housewatch, East Village NYC)
What happens “late”? We aren’t exactly sure, but if you Google “Morali Jabe”, the first result is a Wikipedia for Jane Eyre. Coincidence?
We’re getting into the future OJM business. This party starts late, which means it’s for a younger crowd. No sweaty old men in attendance, unfortunately.
Dec 19: Susan Alexandra (Chinatown NYC)
All you can eat Holiday Party with Carnegie Deli. Major value here.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Wondering where Marketwatch is? Has anyone ever made it this deep into the newsletter? Well, we’ve got a surprise for you. On Mondays we’ll be offering a totally unnecessary, bulked up Marketwatch. Tune in and/or conk out.
→ Joke of the Week: “I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going”. Rodney Dangerfield
→ Complaint of the Week: Leecy Davis, our weekly complaint writer, is on vacation. We have a submission from local crank, Saul Beanstein (82, Florida).
“The unlucky schmuck who gets stuck in the middle seat on an airplane gets armrest priority - end of discussion. If the middler wants high on the arm rest, then you go low. Don’t fight ‘em on it. No one deserves to be in the middle on a flight, and someday it'll be you. If you try to take the armrest from the fella in the middle you deserve egg in the face.”
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi
Times have inflected and are now starting slightly later than last week!
Fri Dec 13:
4:29pm: Shabbat begins (make sure that chicken’s boiling)
Sat Dec 14:
5:14pm: Shabbat ends (another one in the can)