BHIF: Bitter Rivals...
How much for the onesie? Bernie, the understudy. The perfect pleat. OJM Fashion corner. Big head=big brain. Cardigan weather. No eggs??? Doin it for the fans.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday January 31, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Marketplace finds. Market watch. Omega watch. Complaint of the week. Joke of the week. You get the picture.
OJM History
They were never friends. In fact, Woody Allen and Philip Roth hated each other. Roth claimed that Woody aped his ideas and style, and Woody didn’t like the way Roth dragged the people in his life through the mud for the sake of art.
Regardless, Roth made it big first with Goodbye Columbus (1960) long before Woody won it all with Annie Hall (1977). But at the end of the day, the two working class East Coast Jews, born only a few years apart, always bitter distant enemies who dated the same women and snickered behind each others back for decades, only one thing matters: Woody is still alive. The one who lives the longest wins. Nothing else matters…it’s only Allen who gets to write history while Roth can only turn over in his grave.
OJM Around Town
OJM Fashion Corner
OJM News Desk
In perhaps the most important moment of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s confirmation hearing, Bernie Sanders got to the bottom of whether or not Kennedy was personally profiting off overpriced baby onesies that read: UNVAXXED AND UNAFRAID. Overpriced? PFFFF. Bernie’s never been shopping at www.oldjewishmen.net.
Regardless, vaccines can be greatly improved in this country. Think of all the annoying people that should’ve gotten vaccinated against telling boring stories at parties. Or walking slow in the middle of the sidewalk. Or maybe Kennedy should work on developing a vaccine against people who spit in your face while talking. Get on it, Bobby. It’s time to make America less spittle.
As you might have guessed, Bobby Kennedy was introduced to his current wife, Cheryl Hines by Bernie Sander’s cousin…Larry David. For the first time in BHIF history, we’re not entirely making this shit up. Click here to read all about it. Forget the hairline, you can tell they’re related by their long pointer fingers.
→ Joke of the Week (Don Rickles)
“I don't drink much anymore, but when I traveled with Frank Sinatra, God rest his soul, I used to drink like I could do it. He made it a test. In Vegas, the Rat Pack, which I was a little part of, drank all night and slept most of the day. Then, about 5 o'clock, we'd meet in the hotel steam room, lock the door, and steam our brains out.”
→ Wisdom of the Week (Philip Roth)
All that we don’t know is astonishing. Even more astonishing is what passes for knowing.
→ Complaint of the Week from our in-house complaint expert, Leecy Davis.
I went to see my doctor this week, a Jew of course. I don’t trust any doctor without “Weiss” in their last name. Her diagnosis was Yom Kippur can’t come “fast” enough for me.
Anyways, I went off on a tangent about all these longevity commercials, shows and whatnot ruining my screen time. I asked for her opinion on it, and she said “longevity is for gentiles because they don’t have Jewish mothers.” Honestly, I couldn’t agree more, what’s the point of a lifetime of guilt if I don’t get to die?
Despite that, she did point out I need to lower my cholesterol. So, I guess I gotta convert.
I already pissed off the Catholics, so tune in next week when I explore Buddhism.
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi
Fri Jan 31:
4:54pm: Shabbat begins (someone left the reading light on. anyone know a good shabbos goy?)
Sat Feb 1:
5:57pm: Shabbat ends (Oof, never eating dry salami again)