BHIF: Bread must be smelled

Obits are back! One hell of a night. Art Corner! Wiener. Is that you, O'Brien? Martha's cookin' Power Donuts. Who is that guy? Max Frankel. Zabar. Mort. Bob.

Mar 28, 2025

Welcome to BHIF for Friday March 28th, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. Joke of the week. You get the picture.

Obits

Max Frankel, Big Shot Newspaperman who didn’t run the NYT into the ground, puts down his pencil at 94.

News

Below is the trailer for a full OJM interview with East Side big shot, Eli Zabar that features a drop-in cameo from New York Times City Chronicler, Alex Vadukul. The lengthy interview, that includes a never-before-seen glimpse of Eli’s skin pores, will be up next week for BHIF readers to fast forward through.

Our news desk alerted this morning (moments before press time) that not only is this image going around again, but soon we will have the identity of this man who is apparently, allegedly, neither Larry David NOR Bernie Sanders. We anxiously await…

Episode 2 of Chicken Show: Anthony Weiner

You may remember Anthony from his days as a politician, or as the guy who couldn’t stop showing his dong to people on the internet. Either way you’ve probably heard his name, or at least confused him for Elliot Spitzer or some other registered sex offender. Welp, Anthony did his time in the joint and now he’s back.

Watch it here:

…Around Town

You either have to be a huge asshole, French or an OJM Billionaire with a perfect hairline to pull off a summer scarf.

Martha Stewart doing the best work of her career here: spotting an A+ Power Donut in the wild.

If you’re not flying through 3lb of Costco decaf a month, you ain’t livin right.

Fashion Corner

Bob rarely leaves the house without his trusty IBS hat. Hey, you gotta stand for something in this world.

Aaron, Bob and Dave somehow made it through an entire episode of Andy Cohen’s show without anyone in the audience screaming or a lawsuit. And if you haven’t purchased a bagel sweatshirt yet, do it now. OJM has other lawsuits to settle…

Art Corner

For whatever reason we’re shilling art this week. Why? Well we gotta fill the pages somehow. Although some readers have let us know that they would prefer blank pages to some of our “articles.” AND we cut of sales.

That’s business 102, folks.

This painting has a face only a mother could love. The artist, Rita Zimmerman has some unusual models.

This painting, which was exhibited in Paris, Berlin and Colorado Springs is now availablefrom Tel Aviv. To see more of her work go to Ritazimmerman.com and on her Instagram.

…Weekly Mishmash

→ Market Roundup

Dow Jones: 42,495: a little recovery but we only see downside.

Average price of an argument with your wife in Brooklyn: this will cost you the rest of your waking life

NIS/USD: 3.67

Last week’s fight with your wife: You’d pay anything to have not said that dumb shit. Women are like elephants, they never forget.

Colonoscopy Prep: Apparently there’s some new thing where you ship the shit in the mail and they analyze it. However, these bad boys can’t detect polyps. So what’s the point?

→ Joke of the Week (Larry David)

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man — there’s your diamond in the rough.

→ Wisdom of the Week (Maimonides)

Teach thy tongue to say ‘I do not know’, and thou shalt progress.

→ Complaint of the Week from our in-house complaint expert, Leecy Davis (recently located to CT)

**EDITORS NOTE. Yet again, we aren’t sure what the complaint is here. Leecy, this isn’t RANT OF THE WEEK, it’s COMPLAINT of the week.**

You know what I can't stand about this time of year? I can’t tell if I’m in the “hood” because everyone dresses like they’ll stab me for a twenty. I get there's still a nip in the air, but my GOD people - is it THAT difficult to pretend like you care? Beyond the scraggly, derelict state of people’s clothing, the combinations are horrendous. To red sweatpants guy - there are Bloods who wouldn't wear that shade, especially paired with that bright blue sweatshirt. To the man in the leather jacket - honestly, I’d wear it, but the stained, holey plaid button down… are you coming off a bender? Take a second and ask yourself: is THIS the outfit I want my dead body to be found in?

No, I don’t have pictures. I am NOT the fashion correpsondent. I’m here to bitch. Use your imagination.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

Fri March 28th:

6:44pm: Shabbat begins (where’s the tums?)

Sat March 29th:

7:44pm: Shabbat ends (that wasn’t so bad)