BHIF: Carbs Make You Ugly...
217 jabs. Larry Takes it to the Road! The money-saving dating revolution. Adios, Gerald. Opening Day. Refined sugars. Seder plates. Knicks stomp Sixers.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday March 15, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.
People
→ Obit of the Week: Gerald M. Levin (84, NYC)
Media powerhouse, Gerald M. Levin, Time Warner Chief in a Merger Debacle, kicked the can 16 years short of triple digits. Levin was the man behind the largest business merger in U.S. history. In 2000, Time Warner, the largest media company in the world merged with America Online, which created a value of around 600 billion dollars today. Those who knew Levin say he was a “great businessman” who “only rarely skimmed off the top.” What a legacy.
→ Look of the Week: Oy Vey ($54.99, eBay). We couldn’t find any good lookin people, so here’s a shirt to represent your grief.
News
→ Sports: What a blowout. The Knicks Garden-hosed the 76ers Tuesday night in a thirty point rout in the New York. The return of OG means the Knicks actually have a chance for the title. The biggest indicator of success? Brunson only needed twenty-seven minutes on the floor and twelve shots to score twenty points and dish out nine assists. If he can distribute and rest and depend on the other fellas to come up with late-game offense the Knicks have a chance to get out of the second round.
Is there a world in which the Heat are a bigger threat to the Knicks than the Celtics? Sure. OG might be the weapon the Knicks need to crack the fragile spirit of the perpetual bed-shitting Celtics, but the Heat are a psychologically more formidable presence in the playoffs. No one’s more dedicated to the boards than Jimmy’s boys. The Heat are still 13-1 longshots to win the East. Not a bad bet, even if you’re a principled Knicks fan. The good thing about principles is that you can always pick and choose ‘em to retrofit your gambling addiction.
→ The more jabs the better. Some guy (who needs to get a life) injected himself 217 times with the covid vax. It's not exactly clear whether or not this fella was doing it to show the world that the covid vaccine is harmless, or if he was involved in a healthcare scam. Either way, the doctors reported that the man showed no signs of physical distress or immune system failure after so many consecutive doses. If you’re wondering which vaccine he used, the answer is all of them. He shot an even split of Moderna, Pfizer and Johnson and Johnson. Doctors reported that the only side effect from the vaccine experiment was the $43.76 retractable needle bill. Hopefully he can write it off.
→ Larry’s hitting the road one last time. Some are calling it “Larry’s Last Ride” while others are calling it “highway robbery”. Tickets to see Larry complain in person start at around $280 - depending on the venue - and the ticket doesn’t even include a drink. C’mon, Lar, how about a latte on the house?
→ Refined carbs are unrefined. If you’ve ever wondered why people have been calling you ugly your entire life, it might be because of all those muffins. That’s right, there’s a correlation between what you eat for breakfast and how hideous people perceive you to be. The more sugar you eat in the morning, the less circulation you have in your face, which gives you a sick, bloodless pallor. However, if you’re going for the Richard Lewis look, exchange those muffins for a higher sugar danish tout de suite.
→ Costco employees are fed up with free samples. Why do people become animals when there’s an opportunity to get something for free? We assume that if something’s free there can’t be an unlimited amount of it. Scarcity is exciting. Several anonymous Costco employees have hinted at the possibility of Costco cutting free samples out of the Costco equation all together. One of the reasons? Employees can’t stand cleaning up loose sticks, cups, and forks, that lazy customers leave all over the store. Maybe stop blaming us and get more trash cans. Eh?
→ Holocaust polling. Remember the poll that said 20% of young people age 18-29 think the Holocaust is a myth? It turns out it was an “opt-in” online poll. In a normal by-mail poll, that number went down to 3%. What a shocker: people are more anti semitic and delusional online.
→ Young people are fed up with dating. They think it’s too expensive, a pain in the tuchus to schedule, and would rather skip the night altogether than admit they can’t afford the gas it takes to motor over to Gary’s Burgers. Okay, so let’s say you wanna go out with someone but don’t have the bucks? Here’s an idea: make them pay, but not in the traditional sense. Charge the stranger by the hour to hangout with you – it’s a testament to their relationship commitment. If they keep paying they’re into you. And if they want a little extra at the end of the night, well, you can negotiate the terms. Remember, everything in life has conditions – it’s all about communication. Let’s get that potentially murderous stranger to ‘yes’.
OJM Marketplace
→ Menashe Kadishman Elevation with Beigale Bronze Sculpture ($1200, Jerusalem)
Kadishman is most well known for his sheep paintings, and you might be familiar with the Kadishman Three Circles sculpture in Tel Aviv. Below is the miniature bagel version currently up for auction in Jerusalem.
→ Glass Seder Plate (Free, Astoria)
Passover cometh. It’s free, it’s got Hebrew, it’s got English, what more do you need?
→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 6000 subscribers (a few even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
→ Montegrappa 50th Anniversary Israel Pen ($4000, Havertown PA)
A limited edition pen. And the best part? This four thousand dollar pen doesn’t even work in space. What a scam.
→ Kids Shabbat Playset ($8, Brooklyn)
One of the best things we’ve come across lately.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup:
S&P 500: $5150.48 (down from $5157.36)
Hebrew National Beef Hot Dog: $6.49 for 6 ($1.08 a piece)
NIS/USD: 3.64 (up from 3.58)
Gas: $3.44 (up from $3.34)
Bagel Pub Brooklyn Single Bagel: $2.00
Gold: $2161.90 (up from $2156.30)
→ Joke of the Week: “When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.” --George Carlin
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi:
Fri Mar 15:
7:03pm: Shabbos Begins
9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (give it your all)
Sat Mar 16:
3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (only one bowl of cholent this time)
7:45pm: Shabbat ends