BHIF: Decaf & Chat: Brooklyn, June 2
Greed is good. Thank you for your service. Robert Caro’s biographer. Knishes get no respect. Knicks 2025. Mets season. Chai time. OJM Events Bureau.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday May 24, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.
Events
Every first Sunday of the month OJM is hosting Decaf and Chat at Mile End Deli in Brooklyn. What can you expect? First of all, it's free to come. We’ll have TVs blasting summer sports; baseball, tennis and golf. There will be FREE decaf with every food purchase, “exclusive” new merchandise, old guys, young guys, nice lookin women, and caffeinated coffee upon request. It starts un-promptly at 4PM and goes until 7PM. Come and sit. And if you want this flier on a t-shirt (along with some newly released OJM junk), you gotta show up. 80% of success is getting out of bed, putting your pants on, and shaking a few hands so people know you’re still alive.
People
→ Obit of the Week: Ivan Boesky (87, NY)
The man who coined the phrase, “greed is good,” opened his Bloomberg terminal for the last time at the young age of 87. Ivan F. Boesky, who went to prison for buying insider stock tips in exchange for suitcases full of cash, was the inspiration for Gordon Gekko. Admittedly, Boesky didn’t give a shit about anything except money and was willing to jam his chips into the table to double up. Truth be told, at the beginning of his career, Boesky shoved his wife’s father’s money into the felt, but you gotta start somewhere. Boesky didn’t care when he lost big; he was powered by stress. Ivan slept two hours a night, pounded nothing but black coffee, rarely ate, refused to sit down, wolfed cigars, and rolled the dice. And like other esteemed characters in Old Jewish Men history, Boesky liked pinky rings and took dramamine for helicopter rides.
To commemorate the birth of his Jewish daughter, Matilda, our house cartoonist, Dick Carroll, sported his newly acquired Chai necklace next to what appears to be some sort of Christian thing over an OJM t-shirt. That’s a lot in one picture. Mazal tov, Dick.
→ New Intern
Meet Eli, our new summer intern. When Eli isn’t chained to his desk, you can find him groveling in our office, haggling for meat scraps, or holding the camera at Costco. We’re gonna squeeze all of the value that we possibly can out of this fresh-faced kid. Welcome to the team, Eli!
→ Old Jewish Men Around Town
Top OJM prospect spotted in Brooklyn at Velvette coffee. What a specimen.
News
→ Sports: By the end of game seven the battered Knicks were whittled down to only two of their original starting five. This was the story of the Knicks postseason: over-achieving, maximizing the little talent they had to unlikely victories with untested scrubs and one barrel chested, quick-footed superstar. They fought the entire post season short-handed, battling through broken hands, strained knees and hamstrings that forced them to lean on young unproven players like Alec Burks. As much money as our office lost on the Knicks in this series, our idiotic confidence unfazed by the reality of our roster, we kept faith until the end – live betting recklessly until the season finally ended with a loss at the Garden. Our final tally? It’s too embarrassing to admit, but we do know that you should continue to take our picks. After all, when it comes to gambling you can’t be wrong all the time, right? Take the Knicks to win the East next year, especially with the Brunson’s new contract and what we think expect to be wise off-season acquisitions.
→ Mets: And onto 2025! 2024 proves to be not our year. In Miami, Edwin Diaz went down in tears after blowing three consecutive save opportunities. But we still believe our Puerto-Rican friend because we’ve all shed a tear after shitting the bed. If it weren’t for the ginger-bearded bullpen duo of Jake Diekman and Reed Garrett, we’d have been swept. And in Cleveland, the Metsies got swept despite a blast in game three by the Bronxville “Hebrew Hammer” Harrison Bader.
What’s next? We’ve got a homestand against the former Brooklyn Dodgers and New York (baseball) Giants. THE SMART BET? Wisdom says to never bet against a home underdog. Ignore wisdom. We predict that these former NY teams will once again leave a nasty taste for New York fans. Bet the spread against the Mets. Ohtani might get in on the action, too.
→ Drop Dead from Fish Everyone needed those extra OMEGA-3s, or at least thought they did. A few scientists have determined that the oil can be helpful for people who already have heart issues, but no good for those who don’t. According to CNN: “Fish oil supplements may raise risk of stroke, heart issues,”. So fish oil is just like every other processed food? The only supplements we can endorse at this point are fiber gummies and dramamine.
→ Tiny food for starving people Nestle is launching a food brand designed for Ozempic and Wegovy users. It’s called “Vital Pursuit” and includes 12 frozen food items like protein-based pasta, sandwiches, and pizza. They’re priced at $4.99 or below, probably because they’re tiny since Nestle knows the target audience has no appetite. Which MBA asshole came up with this scam?
Marketplace
It’s no longer at the top of the newsletter, but that doesn’t mean we won’t promote it every week. Wanna come to the party. It’s out in September. Let us know.
→ Flame Menorah ($85, Great Neck NY)
Travel to Chicago in January, buy your sweaters in July, and get your menorahs in May. It’s called off season value.
→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 7500 subscribers (half even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup
S&P 500: $5267.84
Hebrew National Beef Hot Dog: $6.49 for 6 ($1.08 a piece)
NIS/USD: 3.66
Yonah Schimmel’s Knish: $5.50
Can of beer at a Yankees game: $6
Pack of gum at Target: $1.39 (Wrigley’s Extra)
2nd Avenue Deli Blintz plate: We don’t know
→ Joke of the Week: Rodney Dangerfield
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
→ Complaint of the Week: Michael Winder (Brooklyn)
For some reason bagels are the thing people think about when they think about Jewish Food. People line up for bagels every weekend all over New York and I just don’t get it. Maybe because I grew up eating them? Bagels are fine, but it’s just bread. There’s really nothing to it. It’s not the most original thing we have to offer. Why not knishes? Or even blintzes? To get bulk knish these days in New York you pretty much have to go to Yonah Shimmels. There should be knisheries everywhere. Less bagel stores and more knishes!
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi
Fri May 24:
8:15pm: Shabbos begins
8:49pm: First time to count the Omer
9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (time to get the heart rate up)
Sat May 25:
3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (oof, shouldn't have eaten all that cholent)
8:50pm: First time to count the Omer
9:04pm: Shabbat ends
FINALLY the mets make the sports department...