BHIF: Dump the Prozac and Dance...
Greedy and stupid. The Costco Marathoner. Lose the farrow, pass the marrow. Shabbos. It’s cheap, good AND kosher?? The doctor is out.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday March 8, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.
People
→ Obit of the Week: Dr. Anthony Epstein (102)
Dr. Anthony Epstein, Pathologist Who Discovered Epstein-Barr Virus, Dies at 102 (cause of death still unknown...). Epstein is most famous for discovering the Epstein-Barr virus, a cancer causing virus that he began researching in the 60s with Yvonne Barr, his doctoral student. Aside from all the cancer stuff, and the amazing merits from a life well lived, we all have the same question after reading the obit. Was Epstein schtupping Barr back in the 60s? I mean who knows. Those were wild times. The verdict? Inconclusive evidence.
→ OJM Investor of the Week: Meet Jim Meyers, 29, of Sarasota, Florida. Jim is a longtime OJM follower profiled for this week's newsletter. What’s so interesting about Jim? Well, not much aside from the fact that he’s holding 750k shares of Dogecoin.
OJM: how much was your initial investment?
Meyers: $1,875 i believe. Yeah, that sounds right. It was around a quarter of a penny per share when I initially invested back in 2000.
OJM: What gave you the chutzpah to put that kinda dough into a made up coin with a dog's face on it?
Meyers: You gotta do something with your money, right? I was sitting on some cash. A lot of us who played the meme game were looking at brokerage accounts that were 10,20 times what they were the year before. It makes you feel rich.
OJM: Why not buy your wife dinner or something? Or a vacation. Why park it in Doge coin?
Meyers: Life often picks funny things. Doge stuck out to me as the most ridiculous one of the bunch. This was before cum coin and lox coin and all the others. People love dogs, so I figured I’d make a speculative play.
OJM: And you won.
Meyers: Depends who you ask. At its highest my Doge coin investment was worth $480,000.
OJM: How much did you sell?
Meyers: Zero.
OJM: Zero?!
Meyers: I don’t sell. But now that it's going back up I’m sort of happy I didn’t.
OJM: You’re a moron.
Meyers: Haha. Yeah not the first time I’ve been called that.
OJM: What’s it worth now?
Meyers: About $112,000.
OJM: Do you own or rent your apartment?
Meyers: Rent.
OJM: Yup. You’re a moron.
News
→ Sports: If the Knicks expect to get to the Eastern Conference Finals this year they’re gonna have to kick it up a notch. You notice we don’t say anything about winning the ECF… just limp in and we’ll be happy, fellas. The Knicks got bent over by the Hawks the other night. Not the Celtics, not the Heat, not the Nuggets, the Hawks…they outscored our boys 33-15 in the first quarter and flipped on the cruise control. There were a few moments late in the game when the Knicks looked like they almost gave a shit, but that quickly subsided. Brunson’s injured, which means the young guys have to pick up the pieces. Tomorrow night is a coin flip between the Knicks and Magic. Oy, what a yawn fest. If you’re forced to gamble don’t take either team. Take the points UNDER, or get a life.
→ OJM Field Trip to Love Pizza Company (1720 Coney Island Ave)
This week Aaron took us to what he calls “the best and cheapest kosher pizzeria in Brooklyn”. The OJM Dining Desk doesn’t have high expectations for kosher pizza (and neither should you), but the Love Pizza Company is very much above average. The owner, Gustavo, even took us behind the counter to show us how the dough is made. There’s very little oil in it, which means you don’t feel awful after gorging half a pie. Love Pizza Company: so good you’ll forget it’s kosher. The damage? $17.81 (with tax) for an entire cheese pie.
→ Eat more Meats: Ever seen a fat vegetarian? Of course you have; they’re everywhere, mostly in Portland. Do you know why these so-called healthy people are humongous? It’s because they have to eat twice as much food to get the right amount of protein. Our bodies need meat. It’s like trying to run a diesel engine with olive oil. Cholesterol is most likely a myth, but carrying fifty pounds of extra fat leads to all kinds of diseases, and a worse 20 yard dash time. Dump the farrow and pick up the marrow (and a hat while you’re at it).
→ Think you can dance your way to happiness? Apparently you can. Tai Chi is good and yoga is fine if you don’t mind carrying around a wet mat everywhere, dancing is the best happiness/cost value around. You don’t need anything to do it, and statistically speaking it’ll make you happier than meds. The hard part is not looking like an idiot.
→ A Costco Marathon: Everyone wants to be the first at something, whether it’s the first person to eat furniture with a knife and fork or beat tetris. Watch out world, because this woman (we already forgot her name and don’t want to re open the link) is the first human to run/walk/jog complete a marathon inside Costco. She decided to do it at Costco because she could drink free samples of electrolyte water and pigs-in-a-blanket between mile markers. If only we had her information she could be our single of the week.
OJM Marketplace
→ Hebrew National Clock ($435, online)
Overpriced, but a real collector’s item for a clock that would have “only been found in Jewish kosher delis and butcher shops”.
→ Lchaim Wine Bottle Stopper ($18, Caldwell NJ)
Level out the Yiddishkeit by sticking it in a non-Kosher bottle.
→ Bagel King Sign ($200, West Haven CT)
A strong addition to any man cave or your new apartment after your wife comes to her senses and gives you the heave ho.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup:
S&P 500: $5157.36 (up from $5096.27)
Hebrew National Beef Hot Dog: $6.49 for 6 ($1.08 a piece)
NIS/USD: 3.58 (up from 3.57)
Gas: $3.34 (up from $3.33)
Bagel Pub Brooklyn Single Bagel: $2.00
Gold: $2156.30 (up from $2065.30)
DOGE: $0.16
→ Complaint of the Week Max Chiswick (38, Chicago): I visited Borrego Springs, a small desert town south of Palm Springs this past weekend. Unfortunately the well-liked Kesling’s Restaurant had closed and was replaced by the Epicurious Social Club. After browsing the menu, I landed on the “Farfalle al Salmone” dish and almost ordered that, before seeing the “Salmone al Mediterraneo” dish directly above it in the “Pasta Classics” menu page, which included mashed potatoes and vegetables for $3 more. The food was wrapped up to go and we took it back to The Courts, where I discovered that there was no pasta to be seen. I called the restaurant and informed them and they said “No, it says mashed potatoes or pasta on the menu”. So I opened the menu and informed him that no, it doesn’t say that (it does say that under the Chicken Piccata dish). The guy on the line then started sarcastically telling me that he should make a new category on the menu because I didn’t understand that this dish obviously wouldn’t have mashed potatoes and pasta, and if I really wanted the pasta I could come in and he’d make it for me. A real injustice.
→ Joke of the Week: “The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.” - Woody Allen
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi:
Fri Mar 1:
5:56pm: Shabbos Begins
9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (followed by a naughty post-coital decaf coffee)
Sat Mar 2:
3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (don’t drink so much seltzer this time)
6:37pm: Shabbat ends
Concentrated position in a non-yielding asset? Absolutely a moron. He should have a well diversified portfolio of income producing securities.
What if you're so bad at dancing that it makes you depressed?