BHIF: From the Deli to the Garden...
Go Knishes. Mordechai Rubinstein. Corgis. Ken does Passover. The first Chicken Show walk off. Kosher Coke. A courageous man. Fat, Jewish and Hungry. Dijon.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday April 18th, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. Joke of the week. You get the picture.
News
As the Jewish people entered Passover, just minutes after the holiday descended on us, the OJM Bureau in New York got an urgent telegram from an OJM Dispatcher in Los Angeles about an apparent ‘Seder incident.’ Ken Lerner, famously known for his role in Sauna Dreams and a few other lesser known shows like The Goldbergs, Scrubs and NCIS, was stuffing his face alone at the seder table before guests arrived. When the telegram passed through Morty Gobbelstein’s hands, who heads our communications department in Canarsie, Morty shrugged and said, ‘so what?’
THIS JUST IN: Passover coke is Mexican coke in a plastic bottle (with a yellow cap) but it’s WAY cheaper. And hey Rabbi, why is corn syrup considered leavened bread?
Bite, pass, kvetch. Any questions? Finally, something new from the OJM design team to wear to the Garden next week when the Knishes digest the Detroit Pistons in the first round of the playoffs. Click here to buy.
Our intern asked Artificial Intelligence to help us hawk this shirt…
Episode 5 of Chicken Show: Maxine and Bryan
Maxine and his handler, Bryan showed up for Chicken Show this week. It took a bit of cajoling to get them on the show, but it was worth it for our first ever walk-off! Click here to watch.
Fashion Corner
…Around Town with Mordechai Rubinstein
…Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup
Dow Jones: 39,142 (at press time). Down from last week and will continue to drop slowly and steadily. There is no good news coming. None. Only bad news. At this point the worst thing would be to cut rates. Why? Because cutting them would mean that there’s no hope of cutting them in the future. The market runs on hope. Currently there is almost none. Buckle up, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.
Average price of a bowel of borscht in New York City. Depends how you like it. stuffed? Plain? Sour cream? But buyer beware. You will have a jump scare in the toilet the next morning.
NIS/USD: 3.69
Last week’s fight with the barber: Worth it. When in doubt shout. Let the barber know they screwed up your whole ‘disheveled Safdie Bros Jew look.’ It’s gonna take months to be your old disgusting self again. That barber made you look like a schoolboy!
Decaf coffee after coitus: What could be better than a piping hot cup of no caffeine Joe after a three second sex romp. BUY BUY BUY!
→ Joke of the Week (Chris Rock)
Man is only as faithful as his options
→ Wisdom of the Week (Elie Wiesel)
Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.
→ Complaint of the Week from our in-house complaint expert, Leecy Davis
Unruly children are a nuisance. I don’t know what it is with “new age” parenting, but your kids need to know the difference between your backyard and public spaces. I don’t want to get coffee and stand behind your kids screaming and crying over who gets the sticker - indecision is a sign of stupidity by the way, I’d return them asap. Or the kids who run around the grocery store, barefoot (hashem give me strength), yelling at the top of their lungs and touching the produce. I wanted to eat that, now it’s contaminated far beyond what my veggie wash can accomplish. It’s just selfish parenting, poor pitiful me I chose to have a kid - no one asked you to! Get your monster under control, and for the love of civilized society keep their hands off MY apples!
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi
Fri April 18th:
7:20pm: Shabbat begins (is it still passover)
Sat April 19th:
8:20pm: Shabbat ends (is it still passover?)
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