BHIF: GOT TUCHUS?
Escaping Egypt. Maimonides. Rotisserie Chicken competition 2026. Dave Luau's Hawaii. The crushing passage of time. Bob's corner. The side of Aaron's head.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday April 10th, 2026. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. Joke of the week. You get the picture.
To think that supporting this newsletter - hand written on stained deli napkins by men over the age of 88 and then fed into a giant IBM computer by their assistant, Horace, a youthful man in his late 70s - costs less than half of a half of a pastrami sandwich at Katz Deli. Support the cause, or whatever the hell this is.
Old Jewish Men gets in bed with the Brooklyn Cyclones
Old Jewish Men to Complain Through Entire 2026 Brooklyn Cyclones Season in Full “Official” Partnership.
DEEP BROOKLYN, NY — A Tuesday, most likely. Could even be Wednesday.
The Brooklyn Cyclones, the tougher than a coffin nail, blue collar New York Mets High-A affiliate that plays at Maimonides Park, named after the medieval Jewish philosopher that people like to quote to sound smart, announced a full-season partnership with Old Jewish Men, the apparel?? media?? brand that has been described as “exactly what it sounds like.”
The partnership, which will run the entire 2026 season from Opening Day all the way through September (the hell were they thinking?) or whenever the team gets tired, whichever comes first, represents the most culturally significant agreement in Coney Island since someone decided to put a a little hot dog stand on the board walk and call it Nathan’s.
“I’ve been coming to watch the Cyclones for years. I’ve never had anything better to do. The seats aren’t great, and it gets a little too sunny. But that’s what hats are for. I like straw hats as long as they’re not too tight. Nothing’s ever just the way you want it. Anyways, buy our shirts.”
— Dave, of Old Jewish Men, speaking from the folding chair he brought that has better cushion
WHAT TO EXPECT THIS SEASON
Limited-Edition Collaboration T-Shirts: Throughout the season, OJM & Cyclones co-designed shirts will “drop” in limited runs. The shirts will be announced when they’re ready. Not before. Don’t rush us.
Seinfeld Night (August 2). Dave Announces an Inning: As part of the annual Seinfeld Night festivities, OJM’s own mascot, Dave will take the microphone to announce an inning. Let it fly, Dave.
“GOT TUCHUS?” Sign in the Outfield: A custom Old Jewish Men sign is already installed in the outfield at Maimonides Park for the entire season.
OJM Clothing at the Cyclones store: Select OJM & Cyclones merchandise will be available at the ballpark throughout the season. Fans are encouraged to arrive early, purchase a shirt, and then try to return it as it unravels in their hand five minutes after purchasing.
Go Mets!
WHERE THE HELL IS MAIMONIDES PARK??
Maimonides Park is located at 1904 Surf Avenue in Coney Island, Brooklyn, a neighborhood that also contains the original Nathan’s Famous (recently sold to some big company), the Cyclone roller coaster, and approximately one million seagulls. Parking is available. The subway also goes there. Take the F or Q to Coney Island Stillwell Avenue.
Old Jewish Men in the Wild
THE CRUSHING PASSAGE OF TIME… it’s already that time of year again
BUCKLE UP. 2026 OJM Rotisserie Chicken eating time
What the hell is the point of cramming cheap rotisserie chicken in your mouth at high speed surrounded by a thousand strangers? Forget the $500 cash prize, what does it mean to partake? Is there anything glamorous about being really good at eating? Do women like a guy who can shovel food quickly? Is there honor in it? Sex appeal? Strategy? Glory? What does it mean to be a 21st century OJM Rotisserie Chicken eating champion?
This is what we will find out on June 21st at 230PM in Park Slope at our 3rd annual contest. There will be a hell of a lot of people there for various reasons. Some won’t know why they get such a rush from the harrowing spectacle, while others will sit down at the table, prepared to choke and puke…and for one lucky man (or broad)…WIN (a $12 trophy from Amazon and $500)
GLORIOUS OR HORRIFYING?
COMPLAINTS
→ Complaint of the Week: Our weekly complaint columnist, Leecy Davis (she always has something to bitch about)
If you live in a new construction apartment building, your kid shouldn't be allowed to “play” in the hallway. I say “play”, because squealing while walking around barefoot is more of a hobo-in-training exercise than playing. Anyways, the walls in these new builds are thin, and I don’t like to be interrupted while sipping my afternoon decaf. I played outside in the rain as a kid and didn’t die, your precious angel can go out and jump in a puddle.
→ Joke of the Week (George Carlin)
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
→ Wisdom of the Week (Einstein)
It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s that I stay with problems longer.
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi
Friday April 10th
7:012pm: Shabbat begins (i’m not going to shul tn)
Sat April 11th
8:14pm: Shabbat ends (more lemon cake next time)
Bob’s Tobacco Corner
Announced! Bob’s new cigarette event.
Mazel Tov on your marketing coup with the Cyclones! Being in advertising during my working years (if you can call it work; it was, after all, the Mad Men era) you either paid for this or it was barter, also known as “in-kind” advertising. So if you did not pay cash my enquiring mind wonders…what do the Cyclones get out of the deal? Free admission to OJM functions? An evening with the OJM macher of their choice (Bob, Aaron or Dave)? A dinner with Leecy? The mind boggles at the enticing possibilities.
You're holding a Costco/Kirkland rotisserie chicken in a clamshell. But Costco changed to leaky bags some time ago. What gives? Are you special?