BHIF: Hut Week…
Hurricane Larry. Oh, the Agony. Last shot at sweepstakes. Seeya, Sinwar. Save on shipping. Did you get inscribed? Dinner for one. Insurance rates.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday October 18, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.
G’mar Chatima Tova from OJM
Leave a comment with your biggest 5784 sin. (Ours was accidentally turning on the disposal with our mistresses hand in it.)
Why not take on a new mitzvah for the new year? Or at least start by remembering to flush the toilet once in a while.
This year we’re wrapping it up; we’re sick of paying child support.
The upside: by putting on tefillin every morning you get to tell those relentless black-hatters on the every city street-corner that you already wrapped this morning. More mitzvah credit for you and less for them!
OJM Style Sweepstakes
The fellas are signing copies today at 32 Orchard Street today. The appreciation rate on a signed OJM book? Recent appraisal claims a 0.32% year over year rate. So hold onto it!
Enter for a chance to win some gear -- great for Hanukkah regifting!
$150 worth of merch from Old Jewish Men
A signed copy of The Old Jewish Men's Guide to Eating, Sleeping, and Futzing Around
A $150 gift card to Sperry
A $100 gift card to Susan Alexandra
A Burning Barbershop 100ml fragrance from D.S. & Durga
News
→ Eat in a Sukkah during Hut Week
Yeah That’s Kosher maintains an annual list of Global Sukkah Restaurants. From London to Boca Raton to Cedarhurst, there are plenty of options. Just remember, as good of time as you might be having, the lulav isn’t a sex toy.
Ask the local rabbi. And if he doesn’t give you the right answer, do it anyway.
→ Sports
If you’re not feeling suicidal this morning then you obviously had better things to do last night than watch the Meats. Good for you, probably wise not to invest all your time in a famously tragic ballclub. Two home losses in a row after bouncing back against the LA Larry’s on their home turf…oy. Ohtani and the rest of the fancy LA cronies carpet bombed our boys; a total scoreless humiliation on Wednesday followed by a slower, more agonizing defeat last night. Is it time to pull the plug on a hard fought season? Never. These Mets are the best in the league at coming back from the dead. They’re not exactly vampiric, but they are a Frankensteined rag-tag bunch of fellas who know how to pull it together when feet are dangling cliffside. Below is some OJM headgear to celebrate the last two nights of terror.
Late stage Larry King versus Richard Kind.
OJM Around Town 5785
If this guy’s at your table there’s no way you’re leaving with a big stack. Take my money, Mendel.
Reviled in America, but adored everywhere else. It’s time to move to Japan where the toilets are clean and the court of public opinion is a lot less annoying.
“You see the of price Uranium yesterday?”
“Sure did.”
Long beat.
“Morrie died.”
“Ok.”
Marketplace
It might’ve been demoted from top of newsletter to down here, but get ‘em while they’re hot:
Buy your sukkah after Sukkot starts and get a great deal! Everything’s on sale at Sukkah Depot. A 10x12 with schach will run you $1080, down from $1440. This could be you:
→ Classifieds: Want to run your own classified in this very section? Reach over 8000 subscribers (a few even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup
Dow Jones: $43097.84
Average price of hurricane insurance in Orlando (annual): $4000
NIS/USD: 3.71
Breakfast for one at the Ritz in Paris: 50 euros
Colonoscopy, Des Moines: $150
→ Joke of the Week (Jerry Seinfeld):
“What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night?”
→ Complaint of the Week (Leecy Davis, Atlanta, AGAIN):
Why do people stand in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store? I’m on a mission when I’m getting groceries…get in and get out of that portal to hell before it’s too late. But, there’s always that one schmuck - cart to the side, splayed out like a fat cat in the sun right smack in the middle of the aisle, and they’re always on their phone. I say “excuse me,” I thrust my cart into theirs, I stand with my hand on my hip and give them the “death stare”… NOTHING. My time - wasted! - yet I’m still charged for using one of those precious paper bags at the checkout when I forget mine. Unbelievable.
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi
Fri Oct 18:
6:10pm: Shabbat begins
9:05pm (a little nosh and then finish double mitzvah)
Sat Oct 12:
6:50pm: Shabbat ends
6:52pm Check phone, start pawing at wife to fulfill post shabbat triple mitzvah