BHIF: If I were a rich man…
Single of the week. The Knicks gut Brooklyn. Prices should always be displayed. Billionaires need to get a life. Is this a sandwich?
Welcome to BHIF for Friday January 26, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup (with no deportation to follow) where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Bonds. The Mets. You get the picture.
People
→ Obit of the Week: Norman Jewison (97)
Norman’s genre-bending oeuvre – from “Fiddler on the Roof” to "Moonstruck" to “In the Heat of the Night” – earns Jewison a spot at the OJM table, despite not having the biblical qualifications. It’s a lifestyle, right? For all you naysayers, cmon! The man shot “Fiddler!” Whatever. Jewison came from humble beginnings, his parents ran a dry goods store below their apartment, and from a young age Norm was taken with stories that revolved around justice, civil rights and long sexy shots of Steve McQueen stuffing his billfold. In 1969, after Jewison won the Oscar for “In the Heat of The Night” (the ceremony was delayed two days due to Martin Luther King’s death), Jewison moved his family to London where he began working on “Fiddler,” the film that sealed the director’s OJM legacy. According to the New York Times, “Mr. Jewison claimed he had been asked to direct in part because executives at United Artists, like the bullies at school, thought he was Jewish.” History says that being mistaken for a tribesman usually isn’t the greatest thing, but once in a while it works out, and you might even end up with a few points on the backend. Hats off, Jewison. Next time haggle for an EP credit.
Click here to read the full obituary by Dennis Lim (with contributed reporting from our associate, Alex Traub).
→ OJM Weekly Matchmaking: Gaby Grossman (33, NYC)
Here’s what Gaby sent us:
Gaby Grossman is a 33 year old Jewish broad with a media career, great taste in smoked fish and the best podiatrist in town. Her passions are long walks to the bagel store, complaining about back pain, and asking “who would wait in a line this long?”
Gaby apparently has not taken a stance on the Oxford comma, so we think it’ll work out whether you use it or not. DM Gaby @gabygrossman.
→ OJM “Lookin Good” of the Week: Future OJM Jason Mizrahi (33ish?)
Future OJM and OJM HQ Legal Advisor, Jason Mizrahi made the bold decision to purchase a Doublet sheep embroidered jacket at a popup closet sale this past weekend in Manhattan. Mizrahi tells us that he was wooed by the “healthy discount on the sticker price,” but we suspect that the hot shot lawyer just has a thing for sheep. He wouldn’t be the first. Lookin Good, Jason.
News
→ Sports: The New York Knicks just showed the Brooklyn Nets who wears the pants in New York City, and it ain’t Jacque Vaughn. The scoreboard doesn’t tell the story here. This wasn’t a five point game, folks – lots of Nets garbage buckets. The Knicks toyed with the Nets in Brooklyn, swishing them around like toothpaste water before coughing them in the sink. Let’s face it, the Nets are junk. They’ve got an austere logo, a clunker of a stadium and are home to perhaps the most underachieving headcase in the league, Ben Simmons. Has there ever been a more neurotic player? He’ll sit ten games with a splinter. Regardless, Ben’s a great lookin guy. He just needs a new psychiatrist. If Benny doesn’t get it together he’s gonna find himself in the G-league. Oh, and somehow the Knicks embarrassed the Nuggets last night? Did Jokic have food poisoning or something? Dolan must be giving those boys one hell of a pep-talk.
→ Beef jerky prices go MIA
Is Miami Airport the most expensive place in the world? Well, if you consider that you have to spend almost nineteen dollars for a bag of beef jerky (which had no visible price tag), then quite possibly yes. Outside of the airport, the exact same bag of all-beef jerky retails for $4.99. Whatever happened to capping airport prices? Well, we got to the bottom of it right here at One Mile At a Time (we got nothing better to do, is the truth). But Miami Airport customers haven’t been shy about letting the crooks upstairs know, either. If there’s one thing vacationers remember, it’s whether or not they got ripped off. Pro tip: Don’t ever EVER go to Turkey, they’ll steal the stitch out of your underwear. Or Phoenix in July, it’s too hot.
→ Bill Ackman puts his shekels (and schmeckle) on the table
Future OJM Bill Ackman has purchased 4.9% of the Tel Aviv stock exchange. That’s what you can do when you’re a billionaire without a day job. When Ackman isn’t spewing academic legal jargon on Twitter, he’s watching the Tel Aviv stock index fluctuate a quarter of a half of a quarter of an eighth percent. We don’t mind Bill, but maybe he needs to get a hobby that doesn’t involve sitting in front of the computer. How about moving to Zichron Yaakov and having ten kids. What else is there to do in life when you’re that rich? C’mon Bill, the diaper industry needs your help.
→ San Francisco is (taking) an expensive dump
The city of San Francisco was going to build a toilet that costs $1.7 million and takes 2-3 years to build. After an uproar, Gavin Newsom ripped the funds back from the city. Recently, Newsome has agreed to release the dough back to the city if they promise to build 2-3 toilets instead of just a single stall. Those cans better have heated seats and an orchestra. This is what happens when you have too much money. Before you know it you’re one of those idiots calling an Uber to the corner deli. Don’t spew funds.
Value Guide
→ Classifieds: Need more customers? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 6000 subscribers (a few even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
→ OJM Bargain of the Week: Bagels for $1 a piece at Fairway Market
Normally $1.29 each, this week you can get 6 for $6 on Fairway’s baked in-store bagels. It sickens us that this is noteworthy, but in 2024, a buck a bagel is pretty good. If anyone makes it over there, send us a review and let us know if they’re any good.
→ Future OJM Deal of the Week: Costco is selling a Sandy Koufax autographed ball
How the hell did Costco get their hands on bulk Sandy Koufax signed balls? For the low price of $1899.99 you can have your very own Sandy Koufax HOF 72 signed ball. They even throw in a display case and free shipping. Maybe Sandy’s seeing tough times…?
→ Market Roundup:
S&P 500: $4894.16 (up from $4780.94)
Hebrew National Beef Hot Dog: $6.49 for 6 ($1.08 a piece)
NIS/USD: 3.69 (down from 3.74)
Gas: $3.10 (up from $3.09)
Lender's Bagel: $3.69 for 6 ($0.62 a piece)
Gold: $2034.80 (up from $2030.68)
Miscellaneous Weekly Dreck
→ Pressing Question of the Week:
→ Complaint of the Week: Matthew Carmel (67, NJ): Can you guys please stop linking to stories in the New York Slimes? I am not paying those jokers one thin dime to access their “independent” journalism. Do like the rest of us and violate their unearned copyright by copy and pasting their fiction. Thank you.
→ Joke of the Week: In light of this week’s obituary:
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity and get $100.”
The one says to the other, "Should we do it?". The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?". The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks...I'm gonna do it." So he walks into the church, and a little while later, he comes back out. The friend says "Well, did you get the money?" He replies, "Is that all you people think about??"
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi:
Fri Jan 26:
5:05pm: Shabbos Begins
9:22pm: Post Drake’s coffee cake and black tea Double Mitzvah Time
Sat Jan 27:
2:01pm: Post cholent Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (lucky girl)
5:50pm: Shabbat ends
Where do you BH? Submit a photo of your screen in the wild to info@oldjewishmen.net.