BHIF: Larry’s Over Jerry’s
Chagall’s return. A bombshell bi-coastal blonde is single. Dave’s birthday romp. The funeral industry is poppin. Tight jeans for old men. 49ers crap the bed.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday February 16, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.
People
→ Obit of the Week: Unfortunately, there was no death this week. Well, by that we mean there wasn’t a notable Old Jewish Men expiry. We’re crossing our shvantz that next week brings a red hot obit wheezing across our desk.
→ OJM Matchmaking Spotlight: Yael Quint (32, NYC/LA)
From Yael: “I’m Yael. That’s two syllables if you’re smart, one if you’re in a rush. Looking for a guy who’s intelligent, funny, and has a pulse. Extra points if you’ve got an accent.”
Get in touch on Instagram: @yaelquint
→ Lookin Good of the Week: Dave (NYC) Happy Birthday!
Move aside, New York Fashion Week, Big Daddy Dave’s in town. Forget looking in the mirror or wiping your hands and face after you eat – Dave proves that women love a scraggly, uncouth man who cuts off his sleeves, eats candy for lunch and wears stains as a badge of honor.
News
→ Sports: Who cares who won the game. Taylor Swift was shown OVER 7.5 times and the OJM Sports Desk bet the UNDER. Gevalt. After the first streaker zoomed across the field, we doubled down and bet that there would be at least one more. If you want something done you gotta do it yourself. Anyways, if you’re wondering why the newsletter feels a little thin this week, it’s because we had to lay off several interns. The others we just stopped feeding. In more important news…
Larrys Defeated Jerrys this week, but it came down to the wire. A surge of rabid Larry fans flooded the sweaty midnight voting booths, sending the L-boys surging to the finish line. Commenters had a lot to say about this much anticipated face-off. Outspoken fans like orb-fanatic Liana Satenstein wrote: “I’ll vote for whoever is balder.” Hollywood big shot Eddie Huang insisted that Larry Johnson was the X factor” when it came time to cast such a difficult vote. There’s just so many great Larrys!… and Jerrys. Others complained that we shouldn’t be discussing Larrys or Jerrys at all, but rather Garys, Barrys, Harrys and Perrys. But isn’t Perry a last name?
→ The Funeral Industry Should Go Under
Who ever would have thought that people pursuing burial as a means of making a living might be a little shady in their business practices? Well, this is America, which means that even dropping dead comes with a processing fee. In New York they say it costs a hundred bucks to leave your apartment, which includes an egg sandwich, a few coffees, a train ride, and a kick in the ass. In America it costs around $17,000 to have a cigar with Moses. If you want to spite the burial home economy and not inconvenience your loved ones, try going back in time and convincing your dad to get a vasectomy. Happy trails!
→ The MoMa Returns a Chagall with a Nazi Background
This has got to be one of the most confusing news stories of the year. Not because it involves Nazis and hush hush New York Art museums backchanneling bullshit bids and lying about it – no no. What’s difficult to wrap our peanut brain around is that these so-called high-minded experts are going and forth for years to bid up a painting of a broke old Jewish man on a winter night in Belarus. These chortling art people, who have time to sit around “analyzing” paintings, claim that the picture possesses a “mystic quality.” They insist the figure in the painting, a bearded beggar slumped over a cane, appears to be “walking over the houses”. Yeah, it doesn’t take a Kabbalist to see that the fella is quite literally in the sky, so much so that he’s choking on factory fumes. Anyways, it’s a good looking painting. But it just goes to show how well Old Jewish Men appreciate in the art market. If you think we’re wrong, well…this bad boy just went for 24 million bucks.
OJM Marketplace
→ Classifieds: When you got a great tuchus, you gotta let the world know (with Alex Mill jeans). That’s right, folks. Now you don’t have to hunt for that timeless pair of jeans, we’ve made them for you:
A straight leg, easy and comfortable fit with an iconic 5-pocket, straight-leg style that can go with anything…and a button fly.
Want your own classified? Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
→ Vintage 1950s Bagel Salt and Pepper Shakers ($120, Laguna Niguel CA)
You probably only need one of each shaker, so split this with a friend and use the rod for paper towels.
→ Hebrew Eye Chart ($125, Northbrook IL)
Tet, Tav, Qof, Kaf, Quafed. They all look and sound the same.
→ Thighs the Limit Side Table ($65, Pomona CA)
Great stems and the jeans have a nice fade.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup:
S&P 500: $5007.29 (up from $4997.91)
Hebrew National Beef Hot Dog: $6.49 for 6 ($1.08 a piece)
NIS/USD: 3.62 down from 3.70)
Gas: $3.28 (up from $3.15)
Bagel Pub Brooklyn Single Bagel: $2.00
Gold: $1998.80 (down from 2032.80)
→ Complaint of the Week: Jared Johnson (35, Vail)
Well, it’s good to know we’ve got some non Jewish readership. Here’s what Jared had to say:
Dear OJM, with all of the rotisserie chicken content I see you guys doing at Costco, I’d just like to say that I understand why you like it…it’s cheap. Duh. Fine. But, you get what you pay for in life and the truth is that rotisserie chicken doesn’t keep. And that’s rotisserie chickens everywhere, not just at Costco. They get disgusting and dry an hour or two after you buy them. So, is $4.99 for an oversized chemical chicken that you have to eat right after you buy it actually a good deal? I dunno. I might rather pay ten bucks and eat a hamburger.
→ Joke of the Week: First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food! ' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life! '” - George Carlin
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi:
Fri Feb 16:
5:31pm: Shabbos Begins
9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time commences (but ends promptly at 9:45)
Sat Feb 17:
3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (lucky wife)
6:14pm: Shabbat ends