BHIF: Long Live Lenny Cohen…

St. Viateur. This week's single is blonde & bi...lingual. Schwartz! Woody’s last dance? You call that a bagel?! Dump McD’s for good. Chiefs +2.

Welcome to BHIF for Friday February 9, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Value of the week. Jokes. Complaints. You get the picture.

People

→ Obit of the Week: Matisyahu Salomon (86, Lakewood)

Matisyahu Salomon, an ultra-orthodox rabbi who warned against the dangers of the internet, has kicked the can at 86. Salomon supervised one of the largest Yeshivas in America, and was a vocal opponent of the internet. He spent years pushing for community ‘dumb phones,’ and lobbied for the use of filters for specific internet searches. Salomon strongly believed that internet access jeopardized the observance of Jewish customs, and went as far as to host a rally at Citi Field and Arthur Ashe Stadium. Over 60,000 people went, well…60,000 men, that is (women weren’t allowed to attend the rally due to religious modesty concerns)…but had the distinct honor of being able to watch the action from closed circuit television at satellite locations. The media was barred from entering due to stated "homeland security concerns.” Quite the legacy, Matisyahu. To be fair, a lot of it worked. You won’t see many iPhone users on your stroll through Hasidic Williamsburg, but if you do, make sure to report them to the local rabbinate. Click here to read the full obit.

→ OJM Matchmaking Spotlight: Leah Faust-Taïeb (NYC) 

Here’s what Leah had to say: “A little bit about myself: Leah Faust-Taïeb, French, half Ashkenazi, half Sephardic. Best of both worlds. I live in Paris, but I go back and forth to NYC, since I’m obsessed with this filthy city. I’m a NY-licensed attorney, working for a big American company, which gives me another reason to settle in NYC. And find myself a NJB here.”

If you like what you see and want to ensure that your kids are bilingual and at least a quarter Ashkenazi or Sephardic, contact Leah: @leahfausttaieb

→ Lookin Good of the Week: Bob Terry (Park Slope, NYC)

That’s our pal, Bob Terry. Bob’s wearing some kind of fancy sweater, blue slacks, loafers and his go-to tinted red glasses. This picture was taken at McMahon's bar on 5th Avenue at an OJM shoot. In just a few hours Bob drained three diet Cokes, half a dozen maraschinos cherries, a bowl of french fries, six onion rings, a half bag of shelled peanuts and a turkey pot pie — don’t tell his gastroenterologist. To find out more about Bob Terry here’s an article that came out last week about his recent philanthropic escapades in Los Angeles. 

→ A Montreal Pastime

OJM was in Montreal this past week and nearly pulled off the impossible. It’s what the Quebecois call the TRIPLE BANG-BANG, not to be confused with a triple bypass (that’s next week). For three consecutive days each elderly fella is responsible for downing three cups of regular coffee (with cream), three cups of decaf coffee (with cream), one fully-loaded bagel sandwich (with a sesame bagel on the side), one pastrami sandwich (with a plate of pickles & a plate of french fries), one steak, and a loaf of Chesky’s babka. On the last day Gus Mickneraff, our accountant developed “kidney and bowel complications” and had to stop. Don’t worry, we fired him.

The Triple Bang-Bang is a Montreal tradition started by Leonard Cohen in 1986 when he came back to The Plateau after a long tour. Leonard was said to be in tip top shape, but needed rest, but even more than sleep…Cohen needed “to bang”. Neighborhood fellas like Norm Greene, an 86 year old Moishe’s regular, says Cohen lived to just “put his feet up at the old haunts and bang away the food. Lenny lived for tradition.” He’d usually start with a few cups of coffee at Bagels Etc. and end it with a bloody steak at Main Deli Steak House followed by several decaf espressos. We don’t know the origin of the Triple Bang-Bang name, but we’re not the poets. Leave that to The Godfather of Gloom.

Lenny’s itinerary: 

OJM pictures from the trip: 

Bagel Etc.

Schwartz’s

OMM: Old Montreal Men

St-Viateur Bagel without a hole, but with plentiful sesame seeds (908 to be exact), for those keeping score. YOU CALL THAT A BAGEL??

News

→ Sports: Whoever said that Old Jewish Men don’t like football are missing the big picture. Liking or not liking a sport has nothing to do with whether or not you gamble on it. Everything’s exciting when you got a little juice. We were the guys betting on Japanese ax throwing during Covid. What were you doing with your time? Learning empathy? Get a life. Stick with sympathy, it’s less messy. Who do Old Jewish Men like for the big game? Dave says DON’T BET AGAINST THE CHIEFS. It’s a pick-em game and we like the Chiefs to take home the brass (and you get +2) – not such a bad deal. Here’s our side bet: take the UNDER on Mahomes rushing yards. 

→ Will Suck for Mustard Packets

What is this, Soviet Russia? Everyone knows restaurant inputs have gone up over the last few years. It’s no mystery why you gotta show a little skin to get your grubby hands on a few extra napkins. But these corporate big wigs think they can use “cost” as an excuse to raise prices whenever the hell they feel like it – BHFC (Baruch Hashem for Costco).  Once the McDonald’s hash brown hits $3 all bets are off. Enough is Enough. McDonalds is garbage, but its expensive potatoes are a scary metric. Pro tip: wash and peel your own taters (or better yet, have the wife do it). Stay close to the can. Eat at home. 

→ Woody’s Last Dance? 

Rifkin’s Festival was decent, A Rainy Day in New York was a pile of shit, but Coup De Chance is terrific. This is Woody pulling up his pants, losing the feathers and getting back to Match Point-esqe form before he goes nonagenarian. This is Wood’s first foreign language feature, and was shot entirely on location in Paris. We’re hoping this is NOT Woody’s Last Dance on the big screen, but that seems to depend on his ability to fundraise. When they hate you in America but revere you in Europe you know you’re on to something. Hey Ackman, how about getting off your ass and writing Woody a check?

Value Guide

→ Market Roundup:

S&P 500: $4997.91 (up from $4906.19)

Hebrew National Beef Hot Dog: $6.49 for 6 ($1.08 a piece)

NIS/USD: 3.70 (up from 3.65)

Gas: $3.15 (even from $3.15)

St. Viateur Bagel: 2 dozen for $65.95 (shipped)

Gold: $2032.80 (down from 2067.30)

→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 6000 subscribers (a few even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net. 

→ OJM Finds of the Week: We heard your feedback loud and clear. You want real value. And there’s no better place to find quality junk than inside strangers apartments and on the street.

1. Carry-on Sukkah ($250, Flushing)

   Is it a tent? A changing room? A port-can? No, it’s a carry-on sukkah. It’s never too early to start preparing for Sukkot, aka Jewish Hut Week — only eight months to go!

2. Bagel Lamp ($150, Brooklyn)

   Made from a real NYC Bagelsmith Everything Bagel and “professionally” cured/treated to last forever.

3. Kartell for Ron Arad Bookworm Bookshelf ($1280, Brooklyn)

   Have a lot of dead space on your walls? Consider getting this bookshelf (it retails for $1700). “Unlimited shapes can be formed, limited only by personal creativity.”

   

4. Knoll Pollock Executive Chair 1979 Burgundy Tweed ($450, Greenpoint)

   It looks to be in decent shape for a 45 year old chair.

   

5. Phillies Citizens Bank Park Phantic Phun Zone Hot Dog Statue ($750, Marcus Hook PA)

   A great conversation starter. If you have this in your living room you’ll hardly need a personality at your next dinner party or cult gathering.

   

Weekly Mishmash

→ Complaint of the Week: {Submitted from John Stein, 48, Dallas TX} I absolute hate seeing people drinking bottled water. Not because it’s polluting, no no, that’s one thing I don’t care about at all. I’m from Texas LOL. The thing I can’t wrap my head around is that nothing’s free in life, EXCEPT water. And some guy had the genius idea to put something free in a bottle and charge for it…and the most idiotic thing? We bought it. I buy it! I’m not a dumb guy and I find myself drinking bottled water all the time. I hate myself for it. Either way, that guy’s a genius and I’m a moron. Hats off.

→ Joke of the Week: "Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward." - George Carlin

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi: 

Fri Feb 9: 

5:23pm: Shabbos Begins

9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time 

Sat Feb 10: 

3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (lucky/insatiable wife)

6:06pm: Shabbat ends