BHIF: Meatflation!
Can the Knishes survive Motown? Katz sandwich hits the roof. New Yorkers have had enough? Larry versus Bill. The Meats beat is back. Gold loses some shine. Bob, Aaron and Dave see the future.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday April 18th, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. Joke of the week. You get the picture.
News
From first time OJM news correspondent, Norm Millman, 81, a native Lower East Sider.
KATZ OUTTA CONTROL? Pastrami Hits $30—but You Still Get Enough Meat to Feed a Small Village
By Norm Millman
Lower East Side, NYC — In a move that has shocked deli lovers and cholesterol enthusiasts citywide, Katz’s Delicatessen has officially raised the price of its iconic pastrami sandwich from $27 to a jaw-dropping $30. That’s right—thirty big ones for meat on rye.
Outrage? Absolutely. Reasonable? Not even close. Delicious? Tragically, yes. But don’t tell my wife.
“I nearly choked—before the sandwich even got to my table,” said local Lower East Side nosher Marty Feldman, 78, who described the price hike as “un-American, but still worth it.”
Despite the eye-watering cost, fans of the famed deli are begrudgingly lining up. Why? Because when you unwrap that sandwich, it’s not just lunch—it’s meat for a month! A thick, steaming pile of hand-cut pastrami that could serve as a pillow, a doorstop, or a protein-rich alternative to therapy.
“It’s an outrageous price,” said Sheila Greenbaum, 84. A woman who hasn’t been to Katz Deli since her teens. “But I hear they’re giving you enough meat to bury a schnauzer.”
So yes, it’s highway robbery. Yes, your cardiologist will be furious. And yes, you’ll still order it again next week. Because while the economy is collapsing, and AI is coming for your job—Katz’s still gives you a sandwich with some dignity.
$30? Painful.
But you won’t leave hungry.
You’re invited…
Bill and Larry exchange bad natured barbs in the press. Where do you stand? Or sit…
Sports Desk
Horace Turnstiles, OJM Beat Reporter
Queens, New York - The fellas can play some ball, huh? The Meats are winners of seven straight and sit pretty atop a tough NL East. For this team, home is where the heart is (12-1 record). For me, home has always been where the heart attack is. Seven members of my family have unfortunately collapsed dead at family gatherings. Five at the dinner table and two on the toilet. (Don’t blame me, they never took their blood thinners despite my years of begging.) That’s why I say this to Meats fans—proceed with caution. I’ve seen hot starts before in my 47 years covering this team, but it never ends well when you put your balls on the mahogany table before supper is ready. Be patient and remember there’s always next year.
Can the Knishes Survive MoTown?
Last night wasn’t pretty for our knishes — they kept slipping on the mustard late in the game. It’s never a good sign when the better team continues to let the worse team back into the game after taking the lead. Good teams close! These Knicks look like a Thibs team — they lack grit and toughness. Give us back last years Knicks. Forget all the fancy talent imported from Minnesota and Barclays Center. We want Hartenstein! If these boys don’t pull it together they won’t be kicking through the second round. Knicks in 6.
…Around Town
Fashion Corner
…Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup
Dow Jones: 39,865. Gold takes a dip. If you’ve already stocked up on gold, guns, lube, and Tylenol, how about getting some beans too? Beans are a timeless store of value, and will keep the suitors at bay.
Average price of a babka in New York City. Don’t pay more than twelve bucks. And if they try and sell you a dry one, growl.
NIS/USD: 3.62
Last week’s fight with the meter maid. Next time she gives you a ticket you’re gonna find out where she lives, dry to her house and boot HER car.
Decaf coffee after coitus: What could be better than a piping hot cup of no caffeine Joe after a three second sex romp. BUY BUY BUY!
→ Joke of the Week (Rodney Dangerfield)
I get no respect. When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
→ Wisdom of the Week (Saul Bellow)
There is an immense, unexplored territory between good sense and nonsense.
→ Complaint of the Week from our in-house complaint expert, Leecy Davis
I’ve seen things at restaurants... In short, people disgust me. This week enjoy my complaints as a list of what you shouldn’t do in my presence.
1. If you’re eating a messy sandwich your shirt, pants and the person beside you are not a napkin.
2. After touching every germ laden surface, use sanitizer, watching you pick up food with your nasty fingers and putting it in your mouth is disgusting. It’s a health hazard, too. Yet, my disgust is more important than your health.
3. Shoveling everything on your plate into your pie hole in one screeching slurp makes me gag, just don’t.
Honestly, if you see me at a restaurant just leave, don’t eat there, because it’s f****cking abhorrent.
Basically, when you put me on the chicken show I’m going to gag and spritz Dave with hand sanitizer.
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi
Fri April 18th:
7:28pm: Shabbat begins (missing the playoffs for this?)
Sat April 19th:
8:32pm: Shabbat ends (Go Knishes)