BHIF: Mel Brooks is Broke!
May the Schwartz be with you...again?? Father's Milk. Donut vision. the perfect body. The only Father's Day present worth shelling out for. Infinite Donuts. Is that a toupee?? the Market.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday June 13th, 2025. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. Joke of the week. You get the picture.
Breaking News Desk
HE’S DOING ANOTHER ONE?!": MEL BROOKS ANNOUNCES SPACEBALLS II: THE SEARCH FOR MORE $$$
Why Now? Why This? Why Mel?
“This isn’t about art. This is about Mel refusing to die,” screams Sid Glupperman, cultural critic and Boca Raton HOA president. “He should be here, with the rest of us. Bored out of his mind!.”
When asked for comment, Mel Brooks reportedly muttered, “They’ll only lower me into the ground if I give them a reason to stop clapping.”
The film’s budget is rumored to be funded entirely by selling off Gene Wilder’s unused toupees at auction, licensing Yogurt-shaped humidifiers, and a mysterious figure known only as “Jeffrey Katzenberg’s burner Venmo.”
BUY THE OFFICIAL OJM X SPACEBALLS SWEATSHIRT BELOW
FRONT:
BACK:
**OJM EDITOR LAUNCHES NEW CHANNEL**
Father’s Milk, a sardonic rag, chronicles the spiritual turbulence of OJM editor, Noah Rinsky as he attempts to swallow a horse-pill sized life change called: fatherhood. Rinsky doesn’t pull punches, especially on himself. His wife must be a saint.
Click here to read the first article.
…Around Town
Events
Author Noah Rinsky talks about the Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around with Curb Your Enthusiasm’s Jeff Garlin and Rabbi David Ingber. Click here for tickets.
The 2nd Annual Rotisserie Chicken Eating Competition
The date is set for July 20th. The time is TBD. The location is ROMA PIZZA in Park Slope. 85 7th Avenue. Paid subscribers can register for $15 and unpaid subs can shell out $25. Space is very limited. We’re almost capped.
Fashion Corner
Marketwatch
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup
Dow Jones: lost count. Higher than it should be. If you’re thinking that it’s gonna keep going up you might wanna get your head examined. With nuclear war on the horizon, undecided tariffs and a tanking dollar you’d be better off playing the lottery than pushing all your chips into this market. The best place to be right now is in bed with a cold seltzer and jeopardy re-runs.
Average price of a bowl of cottage cheese and berries in New York City. Don’t ever pay more than three bucks.
NIS/USD: who knows anymore. buy yen.
Last week’s fight with your bookie. take my kneecaps but let me keep my house.
hard candy after coitus: nothing better than sucking on something sweet.
→ Joke of the Week (Norm McDonald)
“I feel sorry for the homeless guy. I feel really sorry for his dog, though, 'cause you know the dog's thinking 'This is the longest walk ever.
→ Wisdom of the Week (Maimonides)
Answer a fool according to his folly.
→ Complaint of the Week from our in-house complaint expert, Leecy Davis
When did staring become socially acceptable? It’s not! Staring is the universal sign for “you gotta problem with me?” As a Southerner who’s used to nosey strangers, I was told - by a moron - this mystical land above the Mason-Dixon Line is full of people who mind their own business and don’t acknowledge others much less stare at them. Yet, I’ve noticed a lot of staring happening on the mean streets of NYC - keep your eyes on the concrete you socially inept muppets. In the animal world a stare like that would get you eaten. Keep that in mind the next time you’re having trouble keeping your eyes fixated on your own shoes.
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi
Fri June 13th:
8:10pm: Shabbat begins (chicken again? really?)
Sat June 14th:
9:19pm: Shabbat ends (can we cut it a little short next week?)
I made it in OJM!!