BHIF: Oh, what a night!

Richard Press. Airplane smoking. The Don strikes again. Chicken wars. Interest rates. OJM takes Los Angeleeeeez. Stein approved. Acme Fish!

Welcome to BHIF for Friday September 20, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.

OJM Book Party

The OJM book is finally out! The party was hosted at JPress and featured plentiful Joyva halva and Dassai sake. And now you can even write your very own scathing book review. Click here.

(Actually you can still get a bagel spreader!)

Richard Press, the grandson of the founder of JPress, Jacobi Press, makes a point of making a point. 

Moments after Richard Press makes a point, Dave makes his own pointless point, while receiving a few critical eyes. 

Mamma Mia. Nothing better than when a sexy lady catches your eye between pages. This picture was taken moments after she released the biggest belly laugh of her life. 

The happy couple, moments before their mind and soul-bending acid trip kicked in. 

OJM Around Town

Mister Stein, whose legs are much longer and more muscled than they appear in this photograph, holding his very own book and bagel spreader combination. The man has never been happier. 

There’s Des teaching Dave and Aaron how to hitchhike from the coffee shop to the 7th Avenue newsstand – a $1.20 Uber savings. 

News

→ OJM Takes Las Las Angeles Sunday Sep 29

→ Trump Williamsburg Deli Visit Canceled

Rumors of Trump’s visit to Gottlieb’s in Williamsburg began spreading faster than measles yesterday when cleaning crews were seen at the restaurant; a first in its 62 year history. Unfortunately tragedy struck and the beloved owner, Shalom Gottlieb passed away suddenly, canceling the Trump visit, and the cleaning was all for naught. In all seriousness, BDE. He will be missed. 

Reasonable sandwich prices (photo from 2021 of random employee, not Mr. Gottlieb)! 

→ Sports

Welcome back to the Mets beat. It’s me, Horace Turnstiles.

Right now, it’s neck and neck (and neck and neck). A quick Yahoo search would confirm that the Padres, D-Backs, Braves, and Mets are all a nose hair from each other’s reach for the final 3 Wild Card slots.

I have long hypothesized that nose hair length (not circumference) is correlated with late-season success. The extra inches help you get over the hump. So for the past week, I’ve spent every waking hour trying to calculate the average nose hair length of all four teams remaining.

This task has been made difficult by my very UNFAIR removal of press credentials. For the past 38 years, I could simply slip into the locker room and pull out my tape measurer to check the inches myself. This year I’ve gone digital; my grandson has very nicely used TikToks and Snapelchat to acquire this data, which I will present below…data that confirms the final four wild card spots.

1. Padres (.0221 inches)

2. Mets (.023 inches)

3. D-Backs (.82 inches)

4. Braves (.234 inches)

Marketplace

→ Airplane smoking set (Auction start $1.5k and $3-5k estimate, Chicago IL)

Constructed in Germany in the 1920s… smoke in style with this odd looking plane “comprised of two cigarette case wings, a large central cigar compartment, a round pull-out case with four nesting ashtrays, a match compartment with striker lid, a cigar-cutting propeller, and removable wheels with a waste receiver.” It’s got it all. Say what you want about the Germans, but man are they thorough.

→ Chicken Wars (Free, ebook)

Chicken Wars: The Raging Controversies Over Kosher Chickens is a discussion of the great chicken battles of both the 19th and 21st centuries. The book also discusses general bird kashrut. The recent Chicken Wars started in 2017 when “a group of zealots argued that no chickens sold today are kosher, since they have been hybridized with unknown types that lack a mesorah”. Turns out this is not real news and chicken remains kosher, unless of course it’s been sleeping with priest’s daughter. Learn more in this free book.

→ Classifieds: Want to run your own classified in this very section? Reach over 7800 subscribers (a few even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net. 

Weekly Mishmash

→ Market Roundup

Dow Jones: $42025.19

Average price gallon of milk in Bet Shemesh: 25.02 NIS

NIS/USD: 3.77

Dinner for two at Pastrami Queen: $68.98

“night friend” (by the hour) in Canarsie, NY: $72.50

→ Joke of the Week (Jeff Melnick): 

Two old Jews are walking on the boardwalk.  Suddenly Morty collapses, flat on his back. Artie folds his windbreaker to make a pillow, places it under Morty's head, then loosens Morty's shoelaces and says, "Morty, are you comfortable?" 

Morty looks up and says "I make a living."

→ Complaint of the Week (Paul Ansel, Tampa Bay FL): 

As soon as you started promoting the book, I bought it on pre-order and received it yesterday.  I love it.  So what's the complaint?  You started promoting a smear spreader, I guess to boost book sales.  What about us fellas that supported you right at the beginning?  What are we?  Chopped liver?  And if that's what we are, send us a chopped liver spreader!

If you have NOT received a bagel spreader but purchased the book fill out the form here. Who says our customer service is nonexistent?  

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

Fri Sep 20: 

6:55pm: Shabbos begins

9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (where are my pills?)

Sat Sep 21: 

3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (round two, big fella. It’s go time.)

7:34pm: Shabbat ends (next shabbos no more sweets)