BHIF: Sammy’s Roumanian Returns

Yada yada passover. The Schwab flumps. Pass the fiber! Celtics crap the bed. Aaron’s in the Catskills. Are State schools better value? Brunson!

Welcome to BHIF for Friday April 26, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.

People

→ Obit of the Week: Howie Schwab (63, Aventura FL)

Trivia star Howie Schwab, the man who couldn’t be stumped, flumps to the grave at 63. Schwab is survived by his wife and mother. His mother claims that Howie had a “photographic memory,” and used to deliver the previous day’s scores to other campers over a loudspeaker. “He could tell you every seat he sat in for every game he attended.” Schwab will be remembered for being the only guy on ESPN who wasn’t a professional athlete to be camera facing, but also for his distinct goatee. He was, according to OJM archivists, one of the only Old Jewish Men to “rock a goatee until the end.” 

→ OJM Look of the Week: Dave Hits Snooze

Here’s Dave a few minutes into the seder. We’re not sure if Dave is gonna get out of Egypt this year. However he IS in Spain with the grandkids. Last we heard he was recognized by a gaggle of Long Island teenage girls somewhere near the Basílica de la Sagrada Familia.

OJM Around Town

→ Aaron is in the Catskills and Bob’s at home in Park Slope:. This year Aaron shelled out for an all-inclusive passover experience. Was it worth it? Well, next week when Aaron’s back from his sojourn we’ll get the full report. So far we know that the average age is 60+, all of the food is kosher for Passover, and there’s dancing. Other than that we’re in the dark. Aaron does love a party though. 

→ Dave in Spain: First China and Thailand and now Spain? Dave’s a real jet setter these days. Why? Well, his wife likes to travel and The Dave Abides. Dave got to Barcelona a few days before Passover started and got to eat some of the local foods, like cheese pizza and churro, which are both native to the Basque region. 

→ Want to watch the Knicks with the guys and drink decaf? Let us know. We’re putting together a viewing party for the playoffs. 

IT’S STARTING TO SMELL LIKE 1973!

News

→ Sports: Are the Knicks for real? Sure they are, but that doesn’t mean they can beat the Celtics. HOWEVA, they might not need to. What if the Celtics blow it this year like they’ve never blown it before? What if the Celtics embarrassing loss last night to the Heat wasn’t a fluke? What if it’s the beginning of the most pathetic downward spiral in NBA playoff history? Minds like Spoelstra only needed one game to figure out a crappy team like the Celtics. Sure, the greenies got height, they’ve got talent, but they’ve also got two of the biggest bedwetters in the league: Tatum and Brown are better at dribbling off their clown size feet than they are at winning big games. Playoff Tatum? Give it a rest, the guy’s got less rings than my grandmother. If the Celtics win the title this year Dave will streak naked through the NYPL at Bryant Park. And that’s a promise! 

Bottom line: Don’t count out the Heat to beat the Celtics, especially now that they split the series in Boston. Remember when Miami dumped the Bucks and the Knicks AND the Celtics last year without Tyler Herro? You’ve gotta be on drugs if you think the Heat don’t have a chance. Knicks Heat. Now there’s a series. Take the 20-1 shot for the Heat to pull out all the stops against the Celtics and for the city of Boston to burn to the ground when the Celtics go belly up.

→ Dump Ivy and go state: In case you thought the best value you got this week was the free shmurah matzo from Chabad, that’s small potatoes (fingerlings, really!). Think about what you could do with the $35k/year savings if you sent your kid to a state school. What are elite private schools good for? Well, grade inflation and rubbing elbows with Rockefeller’s grandson. Eh, maybe it’s worth it to grease a few wheels.

→  Beat the man upstairs: Edward Thorp became famous in the ‘60s for his book “Beat the Dealer,” that showed how to count cards in blackjack. A skill that he later leveraged to start a successful hedge fund. Thorp optimized blackjack and the markets and now at age 91 he’s trying to capitalize on his longevity. How?

Play defense.

He says to avoid things that get people killed like cars and have regular checkups. “For example, the risk of being killed by an automobile is about 1 basis point per year in the United States [i.e., one chance in 10,000 of being killed by an automobile each year]. But it’s about 80 basis points over a lifetime in the United States. That’s a risk that you can think about, quantify and manage. For example, obey the rules, have short commutes instead of long commutes, drive safe cars instead of risky cars and so on.” On offense, regular exercise (including strength), flexibility work, and diet. To summarize, workout, eat well, and do what you can to not get hit by a bus.

Marketplace

→ IKEA Varmblixt - Donut/Bagel Lamp ($120, Brooklyn)

Here’s a donut you can use on passover. It’s only $69.99 at IKEA.

→ Mets Vintage 1982 Seat Cushion ($20, Richmond Hill NY)

Let’s go Meats! The Mets logo on one side and Great Meat from Kahn’s on the other, the official dog of the Mets until the 2000s. 

→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 7000 subscribers (half even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net. 

Weekly Mishmash

→ Market Roundup:

S&P 500: $5048.42

Hebrew National Beef Hot Dog: $6.49 for 6 ($1.08 a piece)

NIS/USD: 3.81

Gas: $3.66

Beer at a Mets game: $7.50

Taco Bell Bean Burrito: $1.79

Gold: $2345.72

→ Joke of the Week:

→ Complaint of the Week: John Garfield (42, Chicago): “Don’t be fooled by my non-Jewish name, I’m Jewish enough to have complaints. I was at a friend's parents’ for the Passover and I noticed the (below) box of matzo on the table. I thought to myself, what the heck is this? Why can’t Manischewitz be lame like it used to be? Why must everything be so hip and brightly colored? I dunno. I just don’t like it. That’s all. Thanks!”

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi: 

Fri Apr 26: 

7:47pm: Shabbos Begins

9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (thrust for dear life)

Sat Apr 27: 

3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (maybe it'll be twins this time)

8:33pm: Shabbat ends