BHIF: The Bagel Spreader incentive…

Mets ‘r cookin. Oil dips. Steel dips. The fellas take Bravo. Esophageal cancer. Aaron takes on Dave Batista. OJM Gertie’s dinner. Kasha is served!

Welcome to BHIF for Friday July 26, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.

The Old Jewish Men Book

The Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping, and Futzing Around (out September 17th) now comes with a very special pre-order gift. Most book pre-orders get you bupkis or at most a PDF of crap, but we’re offering a free bagel spreader! 

No coffee table or toilet-top is complete without the Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around. 

Obit of the Week: Martin Indyk (73, CT)

Martin S. Indyk, the Diplomat who spent his career fighting for peace in the middle east (real original, pal) waves goodbye at 73. What do Michael Douglas and Martin Indyk have in common? Lucky wives. But unfortunately for Martin Indyk, he wasn’t able to survive his bout of esophageal cancer like mister Douglas. Jokes aside, as an ambassador to Israel in the Clinton administration, Indyk worked tirelessly for peace. He was vocal about Israel’s arrogance, and how it played a role in the security failures that lead to the Yom Kippur War in ‘73. Before he died, Indyk recalled the same sensation that led to the country’s total security blunder on Oct 7th. Israel had become too sure of itself and its intelligence. Indyk, known for his precise mind when it comes to foreign affairs (and in his private life, lemur racing) said, “What is it about the United States that its leaders feel obliged to sally forth with such virtuous determination to transform the bazaars and back alleys of the Middle East?” “And what is it about the Middle East that holds them up, sets them back and sucks them down into its swamps?” Hmm. Maybe Blinken keeps going back and forth for the Tzatziki? 

Special Events

Shabbos Dinner. Aug 9th. 6PM. Williamsburg. What’s in it for you? One hell of a spread. Do the math. If you can find better value elsewhere, go there. But it’s hard to beat this combination of intergenerational banter and gourmet grub. What’s on the menu? Relish trays, brined chicken, pastrami salmon, kasha varnishkes, followed by desert and a grease fire. Click here to reserve.

Old Jewish Men Around Town

Aaron, Dave, and Bob hanging out with a couple of schlubs backstage. The guy in the middle made his career by running around naked in what movie?...can’t remember??

Post tennis strut across 7th Avenue. No hat, to show off that Gurion-esque donut. 

We made Andy Cohen’s career this week when we had him on our show: Watch What Old Jewish Men Do Live! Keep your head up, Andy. One day you might be able to pay your mortgage. 

Old Jewish Men Style

Here’s Sam repping off his digestive disposition.

They’ve been sold out since Larry David wore them on the last season of Curb. But that doesn’t mean you won’t spot ‘em around town. The shorts go great with a pair of chicken legs. 

News

→ The Great Gold Rush of 2024, The Free Press

What happened to the good old index funds of the 90s and early 2000s? In recent years there’s been hype around Bitcoin, Gamestop, Tesla, Nvidia, and now even gold. Gold?? “There’s something about gold that hacks us,” says interviewee Ephraim Rinsky. “It’s been in all of our literature for millennia. There’s something fundamental about it.” 

What feels better, an ounce of gold or 3 lbs of rotisserie chicken? Head over to your local Costco and find out. 

→ Has social media made sightseeing deeply uncool? Mashable 

This article explains that visiting just about anywhere these days is pretty annoying. The world has become overexposed with everyone posting about every detail of their trip exerpience. So how do we combat the over-saturation of every nook and cranny of the civilized world? Easy. Stay home and take pictures/post about the inside of your belly button. This summer, forget Rome and go to lint.

→ Sports

Honey, where’s the broom? Da Mets have SWEPT the season series against the Stankees. We roughed up two of the Bronx’s best pitchers thanks to Jeff McNeil’s post All Star Game heroics. Jeff is living proof that we can all use a couple days off every other day. Definitely taking today off, by the way, and tomorrow is Shabbos so forget it. 

Bottom line, this Mets team is gritty and the team is finally learning how to win big games. WHO KNOWS? Maybe if they make the playoffs we’ll finally have a sale on Meats clothing. Maybe my boss will fire me, the intern, for promising a sale. Who knows?

Marketplace

This week we take a break from Facebook Marketplace to bring you items in the “kosher apparel” category from the flea market of the world, eBay. 

→ Vintage Empire Kosher Trucker Hat ($9.88, Melbourne FL)

Represent the brand that took “top honors” in this less-than-stellar field: 1997 New York Times blind taste test of chicken. 

→ 90s Totally Kosher Rib Burnoff XL T-shirt ($25, Windsor CO)

Empire Kosher only does chicken, but don’t let that stop your wardrobe from extending to other meats.

→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 7500 subscribers (half even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net. 

Weekly Mishmash

→ Market Roundup

S&P 500: $5440.57

Hour “massage” in Sophia, Bulgaria: Let us know

Average price of 1bdrm in Newton (Newton) MASS: $500k

NIS/USD: 3.67

Cheesecake at Juniors: $55.95

Single cigarette in Jerusalem: 5 NIS

→ Joke of the Week: “A Jewish man with parents alive is a fifteen-year-old boy, and will remain a fifteen-year-old boy until they die! “- Phil Roth

→ Complaint of the Week: Paul Ansell, Florida
I humbly submit my Complaint of the Week: 

I'm at the doctor's office waiting to be checked-in and there's a line that's getting longer. Why?  Because the receptionist is on the phone helping someone make an appointment and answering their stupid questions and it's taking forever.  HOW HARD IS IT TO SAY, "I'M GOING TO PUT YOU ON HOLD, I'LLL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.  IS THAT SO DIFFICULT??!" 

PS - ... and since we're talking about the doctor's office, how about the fact that you took 15 minutes at home filling out all the information online and then they ask you the same damn questions when you're in the office??? 

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

Fri Jul 19: 

8:17pm: Shabbos begins

9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (still tired from last week)

Sat Jul 20: 

3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (she’s really letting herself go these days eh?)

9:03pm: Shabbat ends