BHIF: The New Costco Cookie is…

Ladies! A short, bald lawyer is single. Knicks pummel the 76ers. Future OJM Dean Phillips for prez. Indoor burial plots. Airplanes are terrifying – never leave home!

Welcome to BHIF for Friday Jan 12, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Shidduchs. The price of steel. You get the picture.

→ Obit of the Week #1: South Florida resident Victor Esterlitz is going upstairs at 99. Last year, for Victor’s 99th birthday he learned to play “happy birthday” on the trumpet and swung-it-out for his family to huge applause. Victor never finished high school, opting to join the Coast Guard. At 93 Esterlitz was invited back to Philadelphia by the School Board as part of "Operation Recognition" and on December 13, 2018, Vic received his high school diploma in cap and gown as the high school band played "Pomp and Circumstance". Not a bad way to bow out. 

→ Obit of the Week #2: Controversial figure, Arno J. Mayer, an Unorthodox Historian of Europe’s Crises, Dies at 97. Arno spent his life arguing for things that most Jews might find pretty distasteful. A Hitler apologist? Could be. But did Arno make some interesting points? Sure. The problem with guys like Arno J. Mayer though, as bright of a fella as he was, is that real anti-semites end up using their teachings out of context to fire up the real black boots and bat carrying Jew haters…click here to read the full New York Times spread by Clay Risen. 

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi: 

Fri Jan 12: 

4:49pm: Shabbos Begins

8:54pm: Double Mitzvah Time 

Sat Jan 12: 

2:12pm: Post Kiddish Double Mitzvah (Round 2)

5:35pm: Shabbos ends

→ Market Roundup:

S&P 500: $4780.24 (up from $4688.68)

Beef Brisket (average cost in the US): $6.74 ($4.98 at Sam’s Club) (no change)

NIS/USD: 3.75 (up from 3.66)

Gas: $3.08

Zabar’s Bagel: $1.75 (no change)

Gold: $2038.00 (down from $2044.33)

→ OJM Shidduch Spotlight: Daniel Hakimi 33/M. A bald man in his early thirties with a good job and an above average sense of style. What else can we ask for, ladies? Here’s what Daniel had to say about himself:

Persian-American Jew, New York... I'm a patent attorney, I like clothes, I have an absurdist sense of humor... I'm bald, I complain, I have back problems, I have deeply-ingrained frugal tendencies, I enjoy everything bagels with lox. As far as a companion goes, I’m looking for a smart, fun, funny woman who can bring out the best in me. Is that too much to ask? 

Get in touch with Daniel: @the.second.button

→ Sports: The Knicks embarrassed the 76ers, crushing them 128-92. If you’re a Knicks fan, or can identify with the plight of this miserable franchise, you may see this recent victory as an inflection for our boys. The only way the Knicks can go the distance is if Brunson doesn’t have to work so hard every night – or if the Celtics and Nuggets go down in a plane crash. This is where OG Anunoby, the recent acquisition from Toronto, is important – as a relief pitcher who can chip in for Brunson and Randle. What are the Knicks odds to win at all this year in Vegas? Let’s just say Vegas ain’t convinced that OG can make a difference. The Knicks are still around 40-1 or +4000 to take home the brass. Cross those fingers for a few loose screws on the Celtics team plane. 

→ News Item of the Week #1: A rogue tunnel was built under Chabad’s HQ at 770 Eastern Parkway in Crown Heights. The very proactive expansion committee was apparently responsible, though we aren’t really sure how building a tunnel from one Chabad building to another was really expanding anything. (By the way if you’re a single woman between the ages of 28 and 35 and can explain what was going on, we might have a Shidduch for you.) 

Tunnel to Hashem with our new t-shirt:

→ News Item of the Week #2: Dean Phillips is a future OJM and he’s running for president. So why haven’t we heard of him? Well, Dean ain’t exactly making friends in the Democratic party by throwing his hat into the ring against Big Joey Biden. You might say that the odds are stacked against newcomers like Phillips who think that Biden is more suited for a stay at The Villages than the White House. Similar to RFK Jr, the big machers in the Democratic party don’t wanna even acknowledge the possibility of a sea-change. Why? Who knows. It’s beyond our paygrade, and we’ve got more important things to worry about than elections such as…how am I getting home? 

→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a shidduch? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 6000 subscribers (a few even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net. 

→ OJM Bargain of the Week: It’s $2.49 and 750 calories and it’s a cookie. It’s time to welcome the new Costco Cookie (that just replaced the churro on the big board). The NY Post recently pointed out that “this is the price of almost two ¼ lb hot dogs and two sodas and…the price of ½ of a rotisserie chicken”. (All source numbers plagiarized and/or exaggerated to fit OJM guidelines – back off, Ackman.) 

Dave reviews the cookie right here:

→ Future OJM Deal of the Week: Don’t like the cold? It’s never too late to get your own indoor burial crypt spot. This one’s at New Cedar Park Cemetery, Sanctuary of Abraham and Sarah, Building #4, second floor. On one hand it’s in New Jersey, but on the other it’s been discounted from $10.5k to only $9.5k! 

→ Value Getaway: Our acquaintances at DansDeals posted this high value deal from NYC to Antigua for as low as $297 roundtrip on either American Airlines or United for all dates through 2024. Dennis Rodman was recently spotted on the beaches of Antigua. Now that’s what we call sight-seeing. 

→ Complaint of the Week: They don’t make planes like they used to. Sure, the odds of dying in a plane crash are around .02 in a million – but that doesn’t mean the doors won’t fly open mid-flight and crush your lungs on YOUR flight. Sure, the plane didn’t crash but who the hell wants to fly cross country sucking oxygen from the ceiling? You didn’t pay $325 and schlep to the airport at 4am for that! The headlines are getting scarier and airplane technicians are so distracted watching Dave’s TIK TOK videos that they keep forgetting to tighten the airplane doors. Welp, since going out is scary, do what you usually do: STAY HOME. Don’t go anywhere. And if they want to see you, well…they can schlep. As long as you have coffee, and a few friends in the neighborhood you can be happy wherever. Forget those fruity friends you see once a year in San Francisco. You’re better off going nowhere. 

→ Joke of the Week: A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife’s bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes. I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house! - Henny Youngmman

Submit a complaint or a joke.

HAVE A DECENT WEEKEND!

-OJM