BHIF: The Obituary from Hell…
The world loses its mensch of darkness. Snoozing. Keep Napping. Bad air day. Dump Wendy's. Knicks postseason revenge. Oreo sleeping bags.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday March 1, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.
People
→ Obit of the Week: Richard Lewis
Who did it best? Since everyone has a soft spot for Lewis, there are too many great obituaries to pick from. It’s like having carrot cake and coffee crumb cake. Sure, Clay Risen never half-asses it for the NYT, but he’s got competition from Harrison Smith and Brian Murphy at the Washington Post; even the Brits are chiming in; NPR has an obit and so does Rolling Stone. The Melt’s own Jason Diamond entered the fray late last night. Everyone wants a piece of the prince of darkness.
We never had the pleasure of meeting Richard, but you get the feeling he was a sweet guy, especially when you consider that he’s the author of: “The Other Great Depression: How I'm Overcoming, on a Daily Basis, at Least a Million Addictions and Dysfunctions and Finding a Spiritual (Sometimes) Life.”
He wasn’t cagey in interviews, always confessional and honest (even to a fault). In his last on screen appearance last week on Curb Your Enthusiasm, Richard demands that Larry be the beneficiary of his will. Larry, of course declines. If there’s one thing Larry David doesn’t need it’s more cash. The only thing that Richard could offer Larry the past thirty years is friendship. In life, it’s better to have rich friends than poor friends. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Right, Woody?
On a side note. Larry wasn’t always better off than Richard. Richard was a big deal way before Larry. There was a stretch of fifteen years or so years when Richard was the one loaning Larry cash, introducing him to agents. Don’t forget, Larry big time was a real loser before Seinfeld.
Here’s a first hand testimony of what a mensch Richard was:
→ OJM Matchmaking Spotlight: Richard Lewis
Instead of a single of the week, here’s some pictures of Richard Lewis as a young man. At some point, after decades of failed romances, Richard found love as an old man. In 2006 Lewis brought Joyce Lapinsky, his lover, to meet his shrink. Lewis’s shrink said something like, “you won’t do better than this, pal.” Lewis proposed and they stayed hitched until his death.
→ Lookin Good of the Week: Witness Statue by Shahzia Sikander
If they don’t want it, we’ll take it (University of Houston anti-abortion groups threatened to protest leading to it being removed). So what if it’s kinda satanic? All the best things in life are also a little evil. Remember, Al Capone invented the soup kitchen.
News
→ Sports: It’s not our fault you took our betting advice last week and lost your house. Don’t worry, we lost our shorts too. The Knicks stayed with the Celtics in the first half, but couldn’t keep up in the third quarter. The truth is the Knicks came out strong and played perfect basketball for two straight quarters without several of their best players. When we said to take Knicks points last week, we didn’t account for how vengeful and bloodthirsty Porzingis would be. It’s hard for Vegas line setters to account for the wrath of a seven foot two Latvian with an eight foot wingspan. That said, the Knicks are going to be major dogs against the Celtics in the playoffs, which means Vegas is going to give them a boat load of points. The lesson? Always take the more homicidal team. Where there’s blood, there’s opportunity, just ask your local real estate developer. Bottom line: Knicks points in the playoffs, and look for Brunson to snag the points OVER, considering how good he was at using his footwork to get to the line.
Wendy’s announced that they are considering adding “surge pricing” to their menu. They claim this will only benefit the consumer since the surge pricing will lower prices during off hours, but won’t raise prices from current levels (uh huh). What they mean is that they will lower prices below the astronomic surges, which is still well above the average.
You know what doesn’t charge surge pricing? Your couch. When in doubt, stay home.
The life of the wealthy in 2024 has a lot in common with the life of the middle class. Sure, our cashmere is from Uniqlo and theirs is from Loro Piana. We board in Group 6 and they have a NetJets subscription. But we all have iPhones, we all have to go through TSA security, and we all breathe the same air…or not. The rich are no longer putting up with middle class air. Welp, if given the choice why would you?
“The building’s approach to filtration is undeniably sophisticated. The air in each unit isn’t shared with any other. Outside air is brought in, filtered, treated with an ultraviolet-C light that kills 99.9 percent of pathogens, and completely changed out once per hour.” Read more in The New Republic.
OJM Marketplace
We came, we napped, and now we’re re-stocking merchandise. If you didn’t get your sloth wear last week there’s still time to NAP. There are hats, t-shirts, and even a full sweatsuit. All made with premium cotton. Pick them up here.
→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 7000 subscribers (a few even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
→ JCPenney Oreo Cookie Sleeping Bag ($20, Wisconsin)
From the early 1980s, the good old days when you could simply buy an Oreo without sifting through garbage varieties like Java Chip Flavor Creme or Certified Gluten Free (although we are glad they invented Double Stuf – better value).
→ Think Big Oversized Tennis Racket ($100, Highstown NJ)
A slightly deflated oversized ball is also included. We inquired to see if the seller is ever in NYC and received a very quick “No”.
→ Homer Meme Rug ($80, shipped for $6 more)
The Homer Bush Meme, taken from a 1994 Simpsons scene, is now in rug form. The seller also has rugs from esteemed brands like Playboy and Supreme.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup:
S&P 500: $5096.27 (up from $5087.03)
Hebrew National Beef Hot Dog: $6.49 for 6 ($1.08 a piece)
NIS/USD: 3.57 (down from 3.63)
Gas: $3.33 (up from $3.23)
Bagel Pub Brooklyn Single Bagel: $2.00
Gold: $2065.30 (up from $2026.30)
→ Complaint of the Week: Jordan Melrock, 42 (Indiana): “Why does it seem like every famous person who dies is an OJM? Bob Sagat, Richard Lewis, Carl Reiner, Richard Belzer etc etc etc. My complaint? I’m sick of mourning people I love (except Henry Kissiniger, that one I didn’t mind). But does it feel this way because there’s so many famous old Jews or because there was one very populated generation of accomplished Old Jewish Men that worked really hard and got famous? I wonder if my generation is gonna produce this many impressive OJMs. I’m sick of crying!”
→ Joke of the Week: “When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.” - Richard Lewis
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi:
Fri Mar 1:
5:48pm: Shabbos Begins
9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (and then hit snooze)
Sat Mar 2:
3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (don’t drink so much seltzer this time)
6:29pm: Shabbat ends