BHIF: The real debate winner...
Hebrew U. Complaints! H&H Bagels. OJM Fashion Week. Dave in Montreal. OJM takes Los AnGelEEEZ. Ice Cream sandwich thieves!
Welcome to BHIF for Friday September 13, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.
OJM Book Release Tuesday!
No coffee table or toilet-top is complete without the Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around.
The book is out on Tuesday Sep 17 -- 4 days to go! Barnes and Noble is offering rock bottom prices days before publication.
The Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping, and Futzing Around pre-order now comes with a very special pre-order gift. Last chance to get your very own free bagel spreader!
The OJM Book Party is Sold Out
If you email us we can see if we can get you on the list, unless you’re over six foot. We don’t want any tall guys there.
Book Cartoonist, Dick Carroll, pictured with his finest work yet. This was taken days before Carroll was hospitalized after overdosing on decaf coffee.
OJM Around Town
This week it was all about honoring Ralphie Lifshitz, the man who seems to reinvent Americana every six months. Has Ralph ever received an ovation that wasn’t standing?
What’s under four foot and spicier than a ghost pepper? Old Jewish Women over the age of 93 who still do their own laundry.
In Genesis it is written that “the foot shall overthroweth thy sandal.”
We only count 49 stars. Everyone always forgets about Nebraska.
You see it? You gotta squint a little bit but it’s there.
The real winner of the debate was Lester Holt’s hairline. You could park a jumbo jet on that five head.
News
OpenAI has a new model that allegedly “spends more time thinking before it responds…” — married men could really take a page out of AI’s handbook. Woof! When in doubt, apologize. And if that doesn’t work go to the Diamond District. If 24 carats doesn’t work, do yourself a favor and jump off a bridge.
→ After Orthodoxy: Cultural Creativity and the Break with Tradition
“There is a widespread fascination with stories about leaving the Orthodox Jewish community. But what happens after this often-traumatic break? Join YIVO for the first conference and festival organized by and featuring formerly Orthodox Jewish scholars, activists, performers, and artists, as we explore the cultural achievements that emerged from this break with tradition.”
This event is actually happening in NYC on Sunday and Monday. Before you lose your mind and become religious, how about meeting some people who know what they’re talking about. While religion is mostly about choosing the right piece of head-gear, there’s a little more to it than that. There’s rules. A lot of ‘em!
→ Six Degrees of…Political Science
Anyone Jewish person over the age of 85 you meet has fled at least three countries.
→ Sports: We didn’t get it together this week but the Mets keep it cooking. Wild Card here we come.
→ EVENTS
Marketplace
No coffee table or toilet-top is complete without the Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around. Last BHIF before the book release, so we’re allowed to shill it twice. If you haven’t purchased it yet AND you don’t pay for this newsletter, what’s the matter with you?
→ PASTRAMI SIGNAGE 101X14 MUST GO $650 OBO (Garfield, NJ)
At press time it’s down to $599 — a must get!
→ Classifieds: Want to run your own classified in this very section? Reach over 7800 subscribers (a few even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup
Dow Jones: $41096.77
Average price of 500 sq ft retail store 1 year lease Borough Park: $75k
NIS/USD: 3.71
Dinner for two at Gottliebs: $60
Hooker (by the hour) in Monsey, NY: $72.50
→ Joke of the Week (Don Rickles): I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I’d better write a book.
→ Complaint of the Week (Giovanna, Brooklyn):
I didn't know where to direct my complaint, which I guess is another complaint, but... Your dog needs to be on a short leash. If you live in a busy city there is no reason why your dog is walking up to every person/other dog on the street because its leash is long and you're futzing around on your phone not paying attention. I shouldn't be tripping over your dog's leash because its 3 feet away from you at a busy farmers market!
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi
Fri Sep 13:
7:07pm: Shabbos begins
9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (let’s hope it turns on)
Sat Sep 14:
3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (she almost seemed to enjoy it)
7:46pm: Shabbat ends (next shabbos no more sweets)