BHIF: The Shabbos Showdown...
The 2nd Annual Rotisserie Chicken Eating Competition! The Old Jewish Men's Guide takes takes the 92Y. Wingin it. Sex sells?? The babka market.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday May 16th, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. Joke of the week. You get the picture.
Note from the editor: it’s time you start shelling out $5 for this newsletter. At the very least spread it around.
Sports Desk
Shabbos Showdown by Leonard ‘The Mouth’ Bernacky
BOSTON, MASS - Game 6 is coming this Shabbos, and lemme tell ya, we haven’t seen this much tension since my nephew brought home a shiksa. Mama Mia what a looker! The Knishes are looking to eke one out right before sundown, maybe even shuckle Mincha in the fourth quarter if the refs let it slide.
Now, don’t get us started on the Celtics. Those greenies from Boston — they played game 5 like a well-oiled turkey slicer, and somehow, without Jayson Tatum! While big J recovers from surgery suddenly the whole team remembers how to pass the rock. It’s like when one person leaves the bridge table and suddenly everyone starts winning — I’m not saying he’s the problem, but boy those white Boston shooters started NAILIN TREYS.
Meanwhile, Jalen Brunson — the barrel chested king of New York with legs like two salamis — is out there playing like he’s guarding the Ark of the Covenant. Not the fastest, not the tallest, but quicker than a kitchen mouse. He cuts through the lane like he’s trying to get to the last danish at kiddush.
The Knishes need to stay sharp tonight. The Celtics still have a lot of fight in ‘em and they smell blood. They took a nibble in game 5, but this time they’ll try and take the whole Knish.
…Around Town
Fashion Corner
Events
Author Noah Rinsky talks about the Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around with Curb Your Enthusiasm’s Jeff Garlin and Rabbi David Ingber. Click here for tickets.
The 2nd Annual Rotisserie Chicken Eating Competition
The date is set for July 20th. The time is TBD. The location is ROMA PIZZA in Park Slope. 85 7th Avenue. Paid subscribers can register for $15 and unpaid subs can shell out $25. Space is very limited. We’re almost capped.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup
Dow Jones: Everyone’s riding high waiting for a “big announcement” from China. When’s the last time China ever did anything that made anyone happy? It’s gonna be a letdown, like the time you thought you were getting a refund from the IRS but it turned out to be an audit. Don’t fall for it for the hype. Hedge accordingly.
Average price of a loaf of cinnamon babka in New York City: $8.49. Babka costs $8.49? You know what else used to cost $8.49? A hooker in midtown. But remember, kids, you don’t a hooker for sex you pay them to leave.
NIS/USD: 3.58 and falling. Get your act together, Israel.
This week’s tiff with the neighbor: We appreciate music as much as anybody, but does that kid really need to practice the clarinet so loud? We’re all for letting the kid squeak, but Jesus Christ can he do it before 2am?
Post-coitus snack of the week: Cold noodle kugel and a diet cream soda. Why? Because you're still a little sweaty, but you deserve comfort. Your wife’s already asleep — now it’s just you, your carbs, and your suicidal thoughts. BUY BUY BUY!
→ Joke of the Week (Henny Youngman)
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle.
→ Wisdom of the Week (Woody Allen)
I’m not a good lover but at least I’m fast.
→ Complaint of the Week from our in-house complaint expert, Leecy Davis
My dog, Midge, is a seven pound Pomeranian - she’s got the attitude to match. When you have a cute dog, people tend to forget everything, including their manners, thinking they’re entitled to your dog and you.
People your annoying behaviors have now become my complaint of the week. - I’ve had it:
1. That dog looks expensive, how much did she cost? I don’t know and if I did, I'm street smart so I’m not telling you. Plus, that’s rude.
2. Picking up my dog. Would you do that with a child? And I’m the asshole for snatching her back. Come on!
3. Calling my dog to give you attention when she’s trying to use the bathroom - she’s as persnickety as it gets, if she doesn’t go when the moments right - she’ll hold it for hours. I hope that makes every one of you feel bad.
4. Seeing my hands are full, with my dog in tow, and once again invading our space because YOU want to pet her - do I need to elaborate?
5. Your child’s entertainment is not my dog’s job. Entertain your own kid.
I get it - I have a cute dog, she’s friendly despite my best intentions to make her a cremudgin. I'm speaking for all the cute dog owners when I say - honestly, ya’ll need to fuck off.
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi
Fri May 15th:
8:13pm: Shabbat begins (this again?)
Sat May 16th:
9:21pm: Shabbat ends (can we skip next week?)