BHIF: The Tooth Fairy is Cheap…
The world's biggest toothbrush. Old Jewish Men take over Times Square. Adios, conservative Judaism. NAP. Bagel weights. C’mon, KNICKS.
Welcome to BHIF for Friday February 23, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.
People
→ Obit of the Week: Rabbi Jules Harlow, the father of Conservative Judaism, goes upstairs at 92.
The Rabbi, most known for books you’ve probably been forced to read at some point in your life (or re-gifted), such as, “Siddur Sim Shalom,” became the standard in Conservative synagogues across North America. As confusing as conservative Judaism is, you can do this, but can’t do that kinda thing – watch TV but no driving? Sounds good! Harlow tried to make Judaism accessible to those without a background in Hebrew, so he translated the Torah into Chinese. Actually, he didn't do that but somebody did!
→ OJM Matchmaking Spotlight: Alexandra Turchinsky (35, NYC)
From Alex: “35 year old native new yorker. Whimsical creative spirit. Enjoys being spontaneous, cooking, taking strolls, and doodling. Values deep conversations, strong connections and dance parties in the living room. Favorite activity is long couch sits with dear ones over coffee and tea. Will absolutely get along with your grandparents.”
Those plates could be yours. Get in touch with Alex by email: alexturch@gmail.com.
→ Lookin Good of the Week: Tyrese Haliburton
The key these days is to “keep people guessing,” which is code for: look like a total and complete idiot. No one’s getting any buzz in 2024 for wearing a Brooks Brothers suit. Tyrese Haliburton is shown here wearing a $6,100 Prada “double-breasted wool coat” but thank god for photographs because that is NOT a complete product title. David Bashevkin called the outfit “half Rosh Yeshiva, half Rebbetzin”.
→ Lookin Good of the Week Bonus: Larry David
Larry wore OJM shorts last sunday (blue is sold out but you can settle for maroon) in episode three of Curb Your Enthusiasm. As expected, Larry’s legs are hairless, but we were surprised by the sturdiness of each stem. Keep hitting the squat rack, Lar.
News
→ Sports: Do the Knicks stand a chance on Saturday against the Celtics? Of course they do, they’re playing in New York and no one craps the bed more than the Celtics. If you’ve ever watched the Celts in big televised games (this will be their 8th national game in a row) you can set your watch to Jaylen Brown bouncing the ball off his foot or Jayson Tatum coming down with the stomach flu in the fourth. If OG defends Tatum, watch out! The fourth quarter is the Knicks to lose. You heard it here first. If you wanna play it safe, but still turn a profit take the Knicks with +7.5 points and the Tatum assists OVER. If you wanna roll the dice and buy your wife the big bowl of split pea soup she deserves (instead of the side, you cheapskate) take the moneyline. If it doesn’t hit, that’s life. No angry letters to the OJM offices, ok? But if it hits, how about becoming a paid member of this newsletter eh? Freeloader. These picks are stone cold value.
→ Old Jewish Men Times Square Takeover
Watch out, Dapper Dan, it’s time to NAP. Available to purchase on Monday only for newsletter subscribers. That’s right, we’re taking your money right here before it sells out (it won’t, but watch out for an email on Monday with a link to buy).
→ Where to Sit in NYC Movie Theaters
Gothamist shit the bed on this one. The article is less about where the best place to sit at the theater and more about the best movie theaters to go to in New York. Eh, who cares?
The truth is that the movie theater dining experience is overrated and pretty gross. The chorus of coughing and nose blowing that is the authentic movie theater watching experience doesn’t need silverware clanking and waiters annoying us to order another round of naragannets. Stick to the ancient system of sneaking in your own snacks.
→ The Tooth Fairy Can’t Keep Up
Despite the increase in the S&P 500, the tooth fairy gifting average is in the toilet after many prosperous years of generosity. Who would have thought that there’s no correlation between the stock market and the tooth fairy? The drop in tooth fairy cash is like when restaurants jack up menu prices due to rising costs, but then their costs go down, and then they shrink-flate. This is the Chipotle story over the last five years.
A little more clarification: In 2024, the average nationwide value per tooth decreased from $6.23 to $5.84, though in the Northeast the average is much stronger at $6.87. The average tooth in the Midwest goes for $3.63. Another reason for Midwesterners to hate kids in the Northeast.
OJM Marketplace
→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 6000 subscribers (a few even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
→ New York Air Bagel Paperweight ($20, Mahweh NJ)
These days you can barely get a dozen for 20 bucks, so you might as well get something more long lasting. This is a travel agency-related gift item that has the look of an egg bagel and the firmness of a 3-day old that was about to get thrown out.
→ Giant Toothbrush ($275, Midland Park NJ)
Pretty sure this is made by “Think Big”, which was an NYC store that sold, as you might have guessed, big items. They had a massive ruler, tennis racket, eraser, and even a toothbrush. A bonus oversized dental molar (aka tooth) concrete chair sold by the same company is only $250.
→ Nets Claxton Jersey with Tzitzis ($150, LIC NY)
There’s a lot of value in consolidating two layers into one.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup:
S&P 500: $5087.03 (up from $5007.29)
Hebrew National Beef Hot Dog: $6.49 for 6 ($1.08 a piece)
NIS/USD: 3.63 (up from 3.62)
Gas: $3.23 (down from $3.28)
Bagel Pub Brooklyn Single Bagel: $2.00
Gold: $2026.30 (up from $1998.80)
→ Complaint of the Week: Libbie Solomon (26) “friends with bad breath.” (This is a fake name because Libbie didn’t want it getting out.)
“Okay, so here’s the thing about having a friend with bad breath. If you don’t tell them, you end up having to hang out with someone whose breath smells really bad and just like bare it, OR you tell them their breath smells bad and then you can like expect them to ask you non-stop FOREVER “how does my breath smell?”. People who have been told they have bad breath never stop asking their friends if their breath smells. Like, I get it. I’ve been told that my breath smells at least 50 times in my life which is why I’m super diligent. But I definitely hate the decision of whether or not to tell them about it more than the bad breath itself. Okay. Phew. I’m done.”
→ Joke of the Week: A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet. - Mort Saul
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi:
Fri Feb 23:
5:40pm: Shabbos Begins
9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (and then turn over)
Sat Feb 24:
3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (don’t eat so much cholent this time)
6:22pm: Shabbat ends