BHIF: The truth about cigarettes…

Birding. Decaf. Fire your organizer. Fran in the wild. Ivy Leaguers. Stop planning.

May 31, 2024

Welcome to BHIF for Friday May 31, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.

People

→ OJM Look of the Week

For some people smoking gives them energy, makes their stories more interesting, and is something to do with the hands instead of picking your nose. But Bob mentioned something that we didn’t know…for some people, cigarettes can be harmful. They can even cause causer or increase the risk of heart disease. Meh, probably noise. Bob’s been powered by cigarettes since 1964 and doesn’t intend to stop anytime soon. Hey, it’s better than smack.

→ Old Jewish Men Around Town

Aaron anxiously awaits a toilet in the East Village. Dave was hogging the can. He was in there for 20 min. Who knows what Dave was up to. Aaron is still dedicated to getting NYC more public toilets.

Nothing like a donut blowing in the wind.

Fran doesn’t know how cameras work. It’s not the sun, Fran. You can look directly at it.

→ Summer Activities

Events

Every first Sunday of the month OJM is hosting Decaf and Chat at Mile End Deli in Brooklyn. What can you expect? First of all, it's free to come. We’ll have TVs blasting summer sports; baseball, tennis and golf. There will be free decaf with every food purchase, “exclusive” new merchandise, old guys, young guys, nice lookin women, and caffeinated coffee upon request. It starts un-promptly at 4PM and goes until 7PM. Come and sit. And if you want this flier on a t-shirt (along with some newly released OJM junk), you gotta show up. 80% of success is getting out of bed, putting your pants on, and shaking a few hands so people know you give a shit. ADDRESS: 97 Hoyt St, Brooklyn, NY 11217

News

→ Sports: The Mets. Oh boy…the Mets continue their slide, losing 5 of 6 games to the former NY teams (Giants and Dodgers). For those keeping track, the OJM Newsletter is officially 100% on Mets picks (1-0). But here’s the real pickle of the night—reliever Jorge Lopez is officially the Mets sacrificial lamb. Lopez was cut after throwing his glove to the stands and telling the media, “I think I’ve been on the worst team in probably the whole f--king MLB.” Although he was kinda misquoted by the media, the crafty president of baseball operations David Stearns was smart to cut Lopez because we now got someone to blame for all of the Mets’ struggles. (heard that before…) And a week before they head to LUNDON, the Metsies got three against the D-Backs and 3 against Washington. OUR PICK IS THIS: the scapegoating will charge the offense and the relief pitching will stink even more now without Lopez. BET THE OVAH!

→ Boring people love to overplan. They gotta know that every second is accounted for so they don’t have to think about anything. Always be fillin that void. Sometimes in life you gotta let the donkey drag you by the ass, as they say. Let the ass drag the butt. The Times describes travelers that want to “hyper-customize” trips, which includes activities $7500 artist studio visits, $85 per hour mindfulness hikes with a forest therapist and croissant-tasting. The middle class loves to make travel their personality and the upper crust thinks traveling can solve their problems. Pro tip: instead of getting on a plane this summer, swallow a truckload of mushrooms. It’s cheap and you’re guaranteed to go somewhere cool.

→ Dreams are bad for the pocketbook. Students at top colleges want to cash in. What a shocker. When tuition is approaching $100k/year, someone’s gotta pay the bill. “Everyone arrived on campus hoping to change the world. But what they learn at Harvard, he said, is that actually doing anything meaningful is too hard. People give up on their dreams, he told me, and decide they might as well make money.” We recommend starting a flag manufacturing business for the next conflict, something could be brewing in Pakistan.

Marketplace

→ OJM Book ($20, Amazon)

No coffee table or toilet-top is complete without the Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around. No, not until it’s out in September 17th, but pre-order it now.

→ Kids with Menorah Oil Painting ($125, Sayville NY)

A lovely painting of three kids in front of a menorah by AJ Fusco

→ Balding Rabbi Oil Painting ($250, Sayville NY)

Wait, this one’s also by AJ Fusco and the seller’s name is Fusco Dominick? Any relation?

→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 7500 subscribers (half even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.

Weekly Mishmash

→ Market Roundup

S&P 500: $5235.48

Hebrew National Beef Hot Dog: $6.49 for 6 ($1.08 a piece)

NIS/USD: 3.70

Yonah Schimmel’s Knish: $5.50

Can of beer at a Yankees game: $6

Pack of gum at Target: $1.39 (Wrigley’s Extra)

2nd Avenue Deli Blintz plate: TBD

→ Joke of the Week: Lenny Bruce

“Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.”

→ Complaint of the Week: Stephanie Stein (Los Angeles) “I had such an OJM moment that I had to write this in. I have an issue with being organized, or at least that’s what my husband says. So I finally hired a professional organizer. The place looks better, maybe? but I can’t find anything. Literally, I can’t find my sunglasses, my deodorant was in a drawer and not on my nightstand, my watch was in a sock drawer. Is this how people live? I think we need to re-think what it means to be organized. Maybe it’s a person-to-person thing? Maybe my organization looks a little messier than yours, but it’s organized specifically for me.”

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

Fri May 31:

8:21pm: Shabbos begins

8:55pm: First time to count the Omer

9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (time to get the heart rate up)

Sat Jun 1:

3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (oof, shouldn't have eaten all that cholent)