BHIF: The World Loses Its Tailor
Mensch Madness. Lonely youth. Huggable Matzah Balls. Cut your losses. Exclusive Mets merch. Thin fiber. Rodney. Think big chew bigger. PURIM!
Welcome to BHIF for Friday March 22, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.
People
→ OJM Obit of the Week: Martin Greenfield (95, Brooklyn)
Marty learned to sew in the camps, survived the camps, overcame the death of his entire family and arrived in New York City lost and emaciated with ten bucks in his pocket. He toiled in the city, honing his craft, learning the language, toiling (always toiling) until he opened his own place in Greenpoint. Eventually he got married, toiled some more, clawed his way into the rarefied air of New York City fashionistas, movie stars and presidents. He became successful, and then more successful until he was considered the best tailor in town. Successful doesn’t always lead to being a SUCCESS, but that’s what Marty was – a man who treated employees well and remained at the highest level of his trade. A classic OJM tale. From nothing to something. A true legacy, and most importantly a sweet man who will always be remembered as a mensch. Hell of a life, Marty.
→ OJM Look of the Week:
Be the first to light your cash on fire on exclusive OJM Mets gear. That’s right folks, this one ain’t going public until Opening Day. As a BHIF reader you can buy it now for a slightly cheaper price. THIS IS OUR YEAR. Mets 2024 (or ‘25).
OJM Single of the Week: Everyone Under the Age of 28
It’s about time people realize that the odds of falling in love with someone you can’t smell right off the bat is a fifty-to-one-shot. Without getting a real close whiff of a stranger’s nape it’s impossible to know if you’d have much fun in the sack. The truth is that many of the great conversationalists of our time like Orson Welles, Churchill and Gorakhpuri had unusual diets that wouldn’t have gone over too well on a first date. It’s only after a charming “many dates” that a sensitive nose can be attracted to the stale smell of yesterday’s lamb chops and brandy. This is the problem with online romance. Smell, charm and looks should be taken in all at once, not staggered one at a time.
News
→ Sports: The 84th Annual OJM Mensch Madness is finally here. We have some rousing matchups this year crafted by OJM Super-fans who have spent their time sweating over strategic lineups in pursuit of the Globalist Championship. Here are some of our favorite line ups so far (these endorsements are NOT early entries. The Shvitzin’ 16 will be set on Sunday).
Click here to participate. You have until Sunday to enter your lineup.
→ The Fibers Get Thinner and the Rich Get Richer. Loro Piana is known for selling clothing with the finest fabrics in the world. The most supreme of which is vicuna, which comes from the vicuna animal in Peru — the wild version of the alpaca. Sweaters run for $10k a pop, yet the guys in Peru only get a few hundred bucks for the raw materials, and the ones doing the actual shearing often get bupkis. Loro Piana is now owned by LVMH, i.e. the richest man in the world. You gotta wonder if the guys doing the shearing can even comprehend the markup on these things. For us plebes it’s hard to fathom.
→ Pipe Down, Sweetheart or Daddy’s Taking Your Miles. If you’re paying for your kids’ flights, why the hell are they getting the miles? Just because you produced these tiny screaming monsters doesn’t mean they have carte blanche to pilfer your hard earned points. However, now on United you can pool your family miles together. Finally a minor upside to procreation.
→ Marketplace In, Newsfeed Out. Facebook has sucked ever since they started letting old people like us on it. All we do is start arguments and wish people happy birthday. Then again, maybe Harvard kids said the same thing when they started letting hoards of uncouth, non Ivy leaguers on it. Well Facebook still is a terrible place to spend your time, but now it has one redeeming feature: Facebook Marketplace (and groups to a lesser extent). You gotta love the Zuckerberg-inspired sterility of the Marketplace default message: “Hi [name], is this still available?”
There are lots of great finds on Marketplace and no reason to ever buy anything new again. Speaking of Marketplace…
OJM Marketplace
→ Huggable Matzah Ball ($20, Teaneck NJ)
It is soft and very huggable. If your wife doesn’t like it give it your dog.
→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 6000 subscribers (half even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
→ Think Big Oversized Gum ($170, Southington CT)
Every year 5,300 Americans choke to death. Out of those 5,300 people, 3,325 of them choke on gum. Here’s your reminder to chew carefully.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup:
S&P 500: $5241.30 (up from $5157.36)
Hebrew National Beef Hot Dog: $6.49 for 6 ($1.08 a piece)
NIS/USD: 3.60 (up from 3.58)
Gas: $3.53 (up from $3.34)
Bagel Hole Bakers Dozen: $17.64
Russ and Daughters 8 Hamantaschen (2 each poppy seed, prune, raspberry, apricot): $14.00
Silver: $24.47/oz
→ Joke of the Week: “Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.” ― Rodney Dangerfield
→ Complaint of the Week: Richard Waldinger, 49, Maryland: “A new so called “Jewish deli” opened in my city. So called pastrami nothing like a true Jewish deli and bagels terrible. Besides way too expensive. What is happening in this country? I don’t recognize what I’m seeing. It’s all crap. Inauthentic overpriced crap.”
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi:
Fri Mar 15:
7:11pm: Shabbos Begins
9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (give it your all)
Sat Mar 16:
3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (only one bowl of cholent this time)
7:52pm: Shabbat ends