BHIF: Woody in the Wild

Romance is in the crapper. The Husband & Wife Project. Elie Wiesel. Bromwich’s first ride. Mel NAPS. Fancy Toilets. Billy & the Knicks. Moneyline.

Welcome to BHIF for Friday May 17, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.

Book

→  If you haven’t ordered yet, Old Jewish Men has a book and it’s cheap (cheaper than a bag of soil at Home Depot). That’s right, it’s available for pre-order and it’s cartooned by the great Dick Carroll. The Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around. 

People

→ OJM Look of the Week: Smell Like 1973 Shirt (see above)

There’s no doubt about it, Jalen Brunson has a 40 point fever and he ain’t cooling off tonight! Brunson’s found a way to utilize that once-in-a-generation God given gift, a barrel chest, which makes him impossible to stop in the lane. Brunson’s barrel follows in the tradition of other stout men like Larry Johnson, Paul Pierce, and Peter Falk.

Old Jewish Men Around Town

Here’s big shot NYT reporter Jonah Bromwich, getting some sun on his birthday, sporting Larry’s Last Ride. Jonah’s considering quitting the Times to come work the OJM beat. 

The sun is out, which means OJW are still wearing down coats. Whether it’s 88 degrees or 103 Old Jewish Women are always cold. That’s why they’re statistically more likely to change seats 5 or more times every time they go to a restaurant. 

{cough…clears throat…} We spotted Woody at an art show this week with his wife Soon-Yi Previn. Boy he loves her. Woody’s been married to Soon-Yi since 1997. Also, if you were wondering, Woody’s wearing Ralph Lifshitz Purple Label. The man’s got class. Go see his new movie at the Quad. It’s basically Match Point without the tennis and French people instead of Brits. 

Mel Ottenberg was lucky enough to get some NAP clothing before GAP lawyers made us pull the plug on the “collection.” Had we done CRAP, like our lawyer Sol Nippleman originally recommended, we never woulda had this problem. 

→ OJM ART

Our art correspondent sent us this painting of Elie Wiesel by Rita Zimmerman. What a dapper looking fellow Wiesel was. He kinda looks like John Cazale. You gotta be halfway decent looking if you wanna get in bed with Meryl Streep.

News

→ Sports: The Knicks appear indestructible after getting ravaged in game four. For the naysayers who say the Knicks can only win at Madison Square Garden, you’ll get your chance tomorrow night when the boys hitch a ride to the midwest. The truth is, the Knicks are not a talented team, but they’re gritty, play together, and have one of the trickiest, strangest looking superstars in NBA history. Brunson has stubby short arms, can barely dunk, a chunky big ass, meaty thighs, a melon head and falls down all the time…yet somehow he’s putting up Michael Jordan numbers and winning. Game 6 is gonna be a corn town shakedown. The Knicks will pull it out so take the boys MONEYLINE, but they’re gonna do it without Brunson putting up astronomical numbers. The Pacers have no choice but to cling to Jalen and keep him off-ball. Take the Brunson OVER on assists, UNDER on points. For some real fun PARLAY Knicks ML + points OVER. 

→ Husband Wife Project Management: Ben Lang worked for Notion, a highly customizable project management site, where he led a so called “community.” The word “community” doesn’t mean anything anymore, by the way. It’s a throwaway word kinda like “change” or “hope” or “solidarity.” If you want a community go to AA… or shul. Anyway, Lang was so sold on Notion that he used it to manage his marriage with their own custom template, scheduling times to look through their photos, and “express gratitude.” Well, people online didn’t like that so much and commented that Lang was “sucking the romance out of his marriage”. What’s wrong with scheduling a little afternoon necking?

→ Frequent Zyn Program: Zyn nicotine pouches are a relatively harmless way to get your nicotine, and arguably cheaper than coffee. Also, it won’t burn your tongue. Would we ever replace our five-a-day coffee habit with something as disgusting as Zyn? No, but it’s worth wasting our time to see if Zyn is better value. Coffee ain’t cheap.

Each Zyn container costs about $8 for 15 pouches and comes with a scannable code for 15 rewards points. There’s a Zyn Rewards store with everything a Zyn user could want, from pickleball sets to fishing gift cards to “Putterball Golf Pong Sets” to crossbow arrows. How’s the value? Well you’ll get about 6% back (beats investing in a CD).

What a subculture. Don’t just sit there, start sucking down that nicotine.

Marketplace

→ Think Big Bayer Aspirin ($100, Brooklyn)

Show your guests that you love pills with this oversized aspirin from Think Big

→ Homemade vintage artisinal (sp) artpiece ($20, Mt Laurel NJ)

“Artisanal”

→ Fancy Toilets

We were poking around for a new bidet seat after soiling ours last week (don’t go to all you can eat steakhouses) and found this TOTO Washlet C2. It’s more expensive than a Tushy, but cheaper than an entire bidet system crapper.

Look at what they’re doing now, bundling junk together. Selling you two things you don’t need at once.

A “Toilet Seat + Brown Rice Cooker ” option. Actually, that’s not such a bad pairing.

→ Classifieds: Need more customers? Need a date? We don’t care what it is! Reach over 7500 subscribers (half even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net. 

Weekly Mishmash

→ Market Roundup:

S&P 500: $5297.10

Hebrew National Beef Hot Dog: $6.49 for 6 ($1.08 a piece)

NIS/USD: 3.72

Yonah Schimmel’s Knish: $5.50

Can of beer at a Mets game: $17

Sam’s Club hot dog combo: $1.38 (c’mon Costco)

Starbucks Grande coffee: $3.45

→ Joke of the Week: “I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.” - Woody Allen 

→ Complaint of the Week: Yankee Gitterman (Brooklyn)

I know this is a very unpopular thing to say because we should be standing up for each other, but kosher restaurants are no good. Why can’t they be better? I don’t get it because the kosher restaurants in Europe and Israel are really good! Maybe I’m just going to the wrong places I don’t know. But I can’t help feeling that everytime I go out for kosher food it’s not very good and too expensive. My wife and I have stopped looking and just cook at home. 

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi: 

Fri May 17: 

8:09pm: Shabbos begins

8:42pm: First time to count the Omer

9:44pm: Double Mitzvah Time (time to get the heart rate up)

Sat May 18: 

3:33pm: Post Lunch Double Mitzvah Round 2 (oof, shouldn't have eaten all that cholent)

8:43pm: First time to count the Omer

8:57pm: Shabbat ends