BHIF: Wrap it up…
This is our year. Style sweepstakes. Repent! Old men reading. We’re going Nuclear, baby! Milton Friedman. Hot dog giveaway?? Horace Turnstiles.
Welcome to BHIF (YK) Special Edition for Friday October 11, 2024. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. You get the picture.
G’mar Chatima Tova from OJM
Leave a comment with your biggest 5784 sin. (Ours is using a weighted dreidel last Hanukkah.)
Why not take on a new mitzvah for 5785? Start by adopting a few kids from the local orphanage, and raise them to do all the housework.
This year we’re wrapping it up; we’re sick of paying child support.
The upside? other than well-advertised cosmic/spritual benefits of these strange phylacteries, by putting on tefillin every morning you get to tell those incessant black-hatters on the street that you already wrapped this morning. More mitzvah credit for you and less for them!
Have an easy fast!
News
Enter for a chance to win some gear -- great for Hanukkah regifting!
$150 worth of merch from Old Jewish Men
A signed copy of The Old Jewish Men's Guide to Eating, Sleeping, and Futzing Around
A $150 gift card to Sperry
A $100 gift card to Susan Alexandra
A Burning Barbershop 100ml fragrance from D.S. & Durga
→ Sports
*SNIFF SNIFF*
Smell that?
Either Marty’s burning down his dry cleaning business again or… it’s the smell of something that happens every quarter century…is it?…no…the time just keeps moving faster…unless…well…maybe…a Subway Series? The Stankees and Meats are both just one playoff round away from the first Subway World (Globalist) Series since 2000, and things are getting hot…and smoky. And we all know what a Subway Series would mean for this city…the return of token suckers. Wait no, sorry. It’ll mean a way to stave off the crushing loneliness of existence and bond with the building super for a couple weeks.
Go check your nostrils and pluck any extraneous nose hairs because it’s sniffing season, and things are only getting started. Continue to follow me, Horace Turnstiles, riding the Meat Beat for the latest news and…(more) sales??
OJM Around Town 5785
Old Jewish Man of the Northeast showing off his signed copy. Are those reading glasses or for distance? Life sure is full of mystery.
The worst thing about being in the hat business is that hats don’t break. This schmuck is gonna wear that hat another 30 years before he has to buy another one.
Everyone is celebrating the Meats victory after they hit Philadelphia where it hurts – right in the sphincter.
We’re pretty sure that’s Timmy Chalamet under that Meats cap, but would need another angle, or a hand expert to confirm.
Maybe if he ate a little more Meat he’d have more chest hair. Pretty sparse follicles you got there, Dani Luv.
Dave decided to start off 5785 with an act of generosity. He bought 100 hot dogs to give away in the Costco parking lot. The problem? No one wants to take food from a scowling, geriatric stranger with a cardboard sign.
Another mildly happy customer.
OJM Mets fans in New York are sprouting-up like nose hairs. At what point do you just stop plucking and let ‘em do their thing?
Marketplace
What does eBay have in store this week? Start off the new year with a kosher approved baseball or a t-shirt with a completely random selection of nine sports teams…in Hebrew.
→ 1998 Heinz Dill Spears Garlic Dill Taste KOSHER Baseball Ball Souvenir RARE ($25, Warsaw IL)
→ Vintage 90s Great Sports Teams In Hebrew Israel T-shirt XL ($49.88, Boca Raton FL)
→ Classifieds: Want to run your own classified in this very section? Reach over 7800 subscribers (a few even open the emails!). Email info@oldjewishmen.net.
Weekly Mishmash
→ Market Roundup
Dow Jones: $42454.12
Average price of shtreimel in Minsk: $2500
NIS/USD: 3.76
Breakfast for one at Grand Canyon Diner: $27.95
Dental cleaning, Tampa Bay: $150
→ Joke of the Week (Don Rickles):
“Wherever you go in the world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.” (Don Rickles)
→ Complaint of the Week (Leecy Davis, Georgia):
Why don’t people use their blinker? There’s only one speed I know and it’s over the limit. When I’m getting my groove on to 50 Cent at 10 in the morning, there’s nothing worse than being choked out by my own seatbelt because the prick in front of me slowed down out of nowhere to turn with zero warning. People these days are so selfish.
Editor’s note: We agree. Imagine you’re a pedestrian, waiting to cross the street and a car is approaching with no blinker… you assume it’s going to drive past, but then it actually turns at the last second and you were forced to wait around like an idiot because they didn’t use the blinker. Where’s the rule of law? How about some compensation for lost time?
→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi
Fri Oct 11:
6:02:59pm: Lick those chicken fingers, no food for the next 24 hours and 57 minutes
6:03pm: Fast begins
6:21pm: Shabbat begins
Sat Oct 12:
7:00pm: Shabbat and Fast end
7:00:01pm: Stuff face until sick
Wrap my own tefillin? What's next? Cutting my own hair??