Decaf coffee is the new water (part 1)
pound the magic liquid any hour of the day to maintain half-awakeness and extreme hydration
Opening Rant
Before you start yelling: no one’s recommending you stop drinking caffeinated coffee! This ain’t a sales pitch for big decaf. So go right ahead and knock back the same amount of mocha Joe you’ve been slurping all morning and don’t let off the gas. Everyone knows that starting the day with a couple thick espressos, a little cream and a bissell of Entenmenns crumb cake or cheese danish makes the heart stronger.
What came first … cheese Danish or Danish people?
Who cares, keep licking those fingers.
The problem with caffeinated coffee is that no one knows when to stop slugging. 2PM? 4PM? These hours are the nether zone, a useless dehydrated space that no one on planet Earth knows what to do with. That’s why you gotta stretch those pre-sleep, pre-meal, pre-coital hours pumping those bloodless veins with decaf.
Decaf is an IV drip in a cup. It’s like mana in the desert or the express DMV in midtown. You can drink it before bed, after bed, in bed, in the recliner by the bed, or in the steam room. It won’t make you jittery, sweat like crazy or piss off the cardiologist.
Annoying people will say decaf tastes like regular coffee without a soul — these people are missing the entire point. It’s not coffee! It’s DECAF coffee.
It’s fools gold!
It’s sex with a condom — just good enough. And with a little cream, or a little lube you won’t even notice what’s missing.
The appearance of decaf coffee at a restaurant means they care. It means the place HAS a soul.
MORE in Part 2. the best NY restaurants with decaf
Marketwatch
NEW JUNK
It’s about time we took our complaints on the road. Buy it here.