1) Gift card for Best Buy: "I've never spoken to you before."
2) Gift card for Barnes and Noble: "I've never spoken to you, but you look like you don't have any friends, and probably read a lot."
3) Bottle of wine: "I'll bet you're slightly less terrible when you're drunk."
4) Store-bought cookies: "I know we hooked up once, but it's never, ever, going to happen again."
5) The Great Wars VHS box set: "I'm gunning for your job. You'll have plenty of time on your hands once you're unemployed."
6) Naughty toy: "We all know you're way too uptight to use this."
7) Santa Sweater: "I know you're Jewish and don't celebrate Christmas, but someone gave this to me last year and you're not worth going shopping for."
8) Homemade baked goods: "Please help me. I'm so alone."
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