Fox Christmas Tree Arsonist: “It Was a Mistake - I Meant to Burn Down My Wife”
“She wouldn’t stop bothering me about retiling the bathroom,” says retired beeper salesman.
New York – Sol Rosenstein, the elderly man in custody over the torching of the Fox News Christmas Tree in Manhattan, held a tearful press conference this morning to communicate his regret over the incident.
“I never meant to burn the tree,” said a choked-up Rosenstein. “I’d had a few strong vodka martinis, and confused the Christmas tree with my wife. She’s the one I wanted to light on fire. She won’t shut up about how the tiles in the bathroom upstairs are rusty and how I need to replace them. Who does she think I am? Bob the Builder? I’m a retired beeper salesman. I told her if she didn’t get off my case I was gonna light her on fire. So. Well. You saw what happened.”
Rosenstein admitted that in light of his religious heritage, this is a particularly bad look:
“I love Christmas,” the elderly Jew explained. “I love the lights, the trees, the stories about the reindeer, the naughty Santa outfits some of those broads wear. I don’t get it - but I like it.”
The judge on the case has released Rosenstein, with $25,000 bail. The trial is scheduled for May 2022.
“Can’t we do the trial any earlier?” Rosenstein complained, from the podium. “Until then it’s gonna be five more months of her whining about how I’m not the man she married–how a young Sol Rosenstein would have bought new tile and regrouted the bathroom before breakfast. I can’t wait til prison.”
Ethel Rosenstein declined to comment for this article
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