Listen up kids. I was a used anal bead salesman for thirty years. I traveled this country knocking on folks' doors and selling them lightbulb-sized gourds to jam up their rectums for THREE DECADES. I guess you could say I know a thing or two, so believe me when I tell you:
Kyle Rittenhouse is guilty as sin.
Just look at that kid. Come on. He shot what, three people? Sounds pretty straightforward to me… and I was the leading bead salesman four years running for the Southwest US region, beating out that smug kid Lenny Jones who thought he’d outsell an old-timer like me easily. Guess what–he didn’t. And where’s Lenny today? Probably sucking soup on some street corner.
So yeah–Rittenhouse should be locked up, and they should throw away the key. I heard he crossed a state line that night–A STATE LINE! You know how serious it is to cross state lines? If some bastard tried to cross into Arizona, which was my turf, and sell to my clients, well… he’d have another thing coming. So this little twerp Rittenhouse crosses a state line with his assault rifle and goes to town, gunning folks down left and right like he’s gotta fill up a murder punch card.
I had a loyalty program too. If you bought a year subscription to beads–that’s a new bead string every month delivered straight to your door–I threw in a free set of beads right up front. Between you and me, the free set was always used. Lightly soiled. But I always washed them first. That was company policy.
I saw that kid Rittenhouse sobbing on the stand. Jesus christ gimme a break. Cry me a river kid. Try being on your feet from dawn till dusk moving product. Bet you couldn’t make it one day, ONE DAY.
What a joke. This country makes me sick.
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