Is it time to start watering down our seltzer?
due to inflated prices, Old Jewish Men are stretching their seltzer by diluting it with water.
Two years ago Herman Bermstein was guzzling seltzer like water straight from the bottle, purchasing one liter containers at his local Park Slope supermarket for .99.
Sadly, those days are over. Instead of drinking straight from the source, Bermstein measures-out his seltzer at home, rationing each sip.
“Seltzer water is so expensive these days. It’s either you water it down or get dehydrated.”
This is the grim reality for most Old Jewish Men in the country. In just over a year, the same 1L carbonated bottle of Vintage bottle now runs Bernstein a whopping buck-thirty-nine, and is forcing Old Jewish men across the country to re-think their seltzer habits.
“I never thought it would come to this,” bemoans Izzy Gollerman, a passionate seltzer drinker.
The 39% percent increase for an identical product at the same Brooklyn location doesn’t make any sense to Herman Bermstein.
“I don’t understand,” Bermstein says.
The saddest part? For .39 more drinkers get the same amount of bubbles.
“You’d expect 39% more seltzer. Or at least throw in some extra carbonation,” he complains.
“Nope.”
Price wise, Vintage seltzer is on the lower end of supermarket carbonated water. In 2023, several of Vintage’s competitors such as Poland Springs and San Pellegrino will far exceed the two dollar mark. San Pellegrino is rumored to go as high as $2.39 for 1L.
“I have no choice but to stretch it by watering it down with water,” Mussy Gullman, a Lower East Sider, tells one OJM correspondent over the phone.
“Only millionaires can afford to drink pure seltzer,” Gullman insist. “And if you want flavored…forget it.”
This isn’t the first time that Old Jewish Men have watered things down. For years the OJM community has been watering down orange juice and every day conversation.
“I’m looking for the bright side in all of this,” says Michael Brown, a 100 year old man living alone on the Upper West Side.
“Less kidney stones, perhaps,” he shrugs. “We’ll see.”
Rarely do prices ever return to pre-inflation levels. Sadly, gone are the days when we could drink seltzer like water.