OPENING RANT
The OJM Newsletter. It’s terrible to be back, but my accountant said, you wanna eat or not? The reason for the hiatus? As it turns out even a newsletter about nothing can’t write itself, and no matter how much coffee I drink it doesn’t guarantee gettin anything done. Imagine if doing nothing but drinking coffee guaranteed accomplishment. How much coffee would men drink? Either way, drink coffee until you fall asleep and don’t trust people who don’t drink coffee. Drinking excessive amounts of coffee means you want things in life and don’t mind roasting your insides to get it. After all, you can’t trust people who don’t want things. Being a coffee drinker means you got a backbone and you’ll keep slugging and chugging no matter how sick and shaky you get, because coffee is the illusion of something happening. It circulates the veins, speeds up ideas and makes you manic and irritable and angry and then tired. It’s fantastic. Nothing happens when you drink green tea except pissing. Tea is for pale hypocrites. A lox bagel with Rooibos? Gimme a break. Oolong? Good luck in the markets, pal. Coffee drinkers are survivors who can live on nothing but sludge and like the taste of their own stomach acid. In a pinch we can compromise taste, stomach health, nerves, and mood swings for even the worst tasting shit. As long as it qualifies as coffee we’ll drink it. And the best thing about it? Nothing goes with a big plate of blintzes like a hot cup of creamy coffee.
ONLY MACHERS CLUB
Crank up the heat, grab six towels and get cozy — it’s time to get this party started. Welcome to the hottest corner of the web, and we ain’t talking about the space between Charlotte’s speed-bags. Nope, in this club you’re two cheeks on the wood, shvitzin right next to Barry and his USA Today, dripping and flicking sweat — don’t let the heat out! That’s how you get respect in this world: by never letting the cold air in, sweating buckets and never trimming or pulling a single hair out of your nose, ears or ass. Think you’re a man? The ONLY MACHERS CLUB will cost you more than the price of a pair of hiked up OJM sweatpants. This is the crankiest ticket in town and the dress code is spread eagle. Throw in the occasional shiksa cultural appropriation joke, claim your family owns a famous deli, write the rabbi a monster check so you can tell absolutely everybody and you’re IN. Respect isn’t earned, it’s purchased at outrageous prices and then bragged about until death.
Big time shiksapeal in the subway with a Meats cap
Willie Zabar hawking his family’s legacy for this crap??
Josh Peck losing ~100k followers posting our overpriced junk
Suzie Q in a Ralph Lifshitz cap FROM OVER A YEAR AGO
Brett Gelman with the inaugural pair of the OJM New Balance “collection”
MARKETWATCH
NO INVESTMENT ADVICE Nothing in the Site constitutes professional and/or financial advice, nor does any information on the Site constitute a comprehensive advisement, DESPITE well paid Sotheyby’s insiders recommending OJM collector’s product to Kuwaiti Sheikhs as a safe alternative to Rolex…
BOCA TODAY
OJM’s South Florida correspondent, Eric Rosen, brings the hot-but-not-too-hot vitriol circulating in the clubhouse
When I golfed at Bocaire, I spoke with people about the real estate. It’s a gated community with ~230 homes, 18-hole golf course, tennis, pool and a clubhouse with a gym, restaurants, card rooms…. Historically intended for retired people, at one point, the average age was WELL into the 70s. Now, I believe it is in the 50s and families (!) live there today. I would guess it is 80% Jewish. One resident bought a 16,000-foot lot in 2012 for $35k and then the house next door in 2018 (same lot size) for $125k. Today, a 16,000-foot lot would be $700k. Homes which went for $500k are going for a $2mm. Now, the high end there is $4mm+. Remember, this community is on Military Trail, which is west of I-95 and some 3 or 4 miles from the beach. How many of the 230 homes are for sale today? Pre-pandemic, the answer was 20-25 and you could not give them away. Today, there are three homes for sale. The available homes now have a low end of $900k where you get a 3/2 built in 1979. The high end is a 3/3.5 built in 1993 for $2.2mm. Welcome to the new world of South Florida real estate. By the way, the lunch buffet is pretty solid and unfortunately, it was closed on Monday.
Read more from Florida here…
RECAP OF THE WEEK
OJM x D.S. & Durga:
Dave Makes Cotton Candy:
OJM Post of the Week: