OJMarkets: Buy Hanukkah sell NYE

The Tuah rug pull. The perfect open heart surgery hat. Lip injections. Big talk. Air refreshers. Tariffs. "Merry Xmas."

Dec 24, 2024

Welcome to the 2nd edition of OJM’s new experimental Markets post. We’re looking for writers. We had a few people contact us, but they were mostly over-qualified. We’re looking for someone semi-qualified with questionable integrity — we don’t need no MBA!

OJMarkets wants goldbugs who understand the fine workings of the Hawk Tuah Coin rug pull, conspiratorial twenty-somethings that hoard gold and silver apocalypse coins and know exactly how much uranium China has in its reserves. We also want someone smoking hot… with an accent.

Is this you? Contact us!

Market Roundup

Bitcoin: Overvalued. Wait for the great halving…it’s coming. Buy when it pulls back to the 50k range.

Average price of lip injections in Fort Lauderdale: $200-600 per session. A perfect Hanukkah gift for that new lover.

NIS/USD: 3.65 - ticking up after recent “expansion”

Resuscitation in America: Forget it. You’re on your own.

Penile Goiter removal, Palm Beach: Whatever they’re charging, pay it.

Big Talk

Aside from the damage these tariffs will cause for domestic car manufacturers, something that Trump isn’t considering is the havoc these policies will wreak on air refresher companies. Experts are expecting a 40%-60% drop in burnt pine needle scent for 2025.

No one knows exactly why this happens, but we suspect that the market usually ticks up around Hanukkah for two reasons: stock traders are usually single men who have nothing else to do but trade equities on Xmas because everything else is closed. And for those traders with families, well, it’s a great time to sneak that laptop into the toilet and trade. Our advice: Buy Hanukkah, SELL New Years.