OJMarkets: Do as Bob does...2025 Predictions
barley soup. coleslaw. Big Talk. Buckle up, Nasdaqers... buy the rumor & dump reality? We're post truth.
Welcome to the 2nd edition of OJM’s new experimental Markets post. We’re looking for writers. We had a few people contact us, but they were mostly over-qualified. We’re looking for someone semi-qualified with questionable integrity — we don’t need no MBA!
OJMarkets wants goldbugs who understand the fine workings of the Hawk Tuah Coin rug pull, conspiratorial twenty-somethings that hoard gold and silver apocalypse coins and know exactly how much uranium China has in its reserves. We also want someone smoking hot… with an accent.
Is this you? Contact us!
Market Roundup
Bitcoin: Don’t go near anywhere that BUY button. Wait for it to get slaughtered after the Trump swear-in. Remember, buy the sizzle sell the char.
Average price of lip injections in Paris, France. $450 franks per session…not to mention the amount of lip stick you gotta smear on those smackers.
NIS/USD: 3.62 - slight down tick after Syrian excitement
Resuscitation in America: HA! You’re shit outta luck. This is America, baby!
Anal tear repair: Whatever they’re charging, pay it.
Coleslaw: We just ate a bowl of it for lunch with nothing else. Coleslaw is the key to fantastic health, but beware: Coleslaw poisoning is a real thing. Don’t eat more than 120oz in a single sitting.
Bob Talk
Do as Bob says (since we don’t have direct access to his portfolio we can’t verify all of his financial advice.)
**NOTE, OJmarkets is not real financial advice, even though it’s top notch material.**
What Bob IS NOT doing in 2025…he ain’t goin anywhere near stocks with outrageous multiples like NVIDIA, Microsoft, Amazon — basically anything that you think is sexy and chic is a damn rip off.
Bob recommends going for real value…but what does that mean exactly? Value means finding a businesses with actual cash flow that is profitable. Sure, a stock like Goodyear ain’t gonna get anyone laid at a Greenpoint dinner party in 2025, but they do a solid tire business year-over-year and are selling more tires than anyone else. The only reason to stay away from Goodyear is if you think someone is going to reinvent the wheel anytime soon. Or if you don’t believe in using a rubber.
Remember, price is what you pay. Value is what you get.
There’s a shitstorm coming to Markets at an outhouse near you, so make sure you’ve got plenty of toilet paper. When stocking that portfolio, think about things that people usually don’t abandon when the tide goes out, like insurance, and sunscreen. Bob likes the insurance business as much as anyone else. Remember, 90% of policies don’t pay out. Imagine running a business where people pay you every month for a product that you only give them one out of every ten times. It’s like the dry cleaner only giving you your clothes 1 out of 10 you hand them the ticket.
That’s the power of fear.
It’s Not A Lie if you Believe It
We always knew that telling the truth never really mattered. We’ve always been ahead of the curve. We’ve got stories, and some of them are even true! The truth? Feh! Sure, go ahead and say it, but it’d better be damn entertaining. No one wants to hear about how much you love your girlfriend, we wanna know why she left you for that guy with the toupee and the funny mustache whose always hanging out at the newsstand on Sundays.
At the end of the day, no one remembers if a story was true or not as long as it was good for a laugh. If you’re gonna bother telling a lie, just make sure it bubbles with twists and turns and improves your social standing. At the end of the day that’s what life’s all about, lording yourself over others.
Culture
This is the American Dream. A five foot two Jew from the Bronx with a Yeshiva background and bad feet becomes the first designer to receive some prestigious award from the prez. We aren’t exactly sure what award this is, but hey, it’s an award! Nothing to turn your nose up at!
The most recent New Yorker cover is from our pal, Roz Chast. Roz apparently has dreams of strangling Robert Moses, a common fantasy of New Yorkers from a certain generation. Roz also has a blurb on the back of our book, the Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating Sleeping and Futzing Around. If you haven’t bought it, go ahead and shell out, it’s only $$17.99 right now. And if you have it on your shelf, please review it. And if you’ve both purchased it and reviewed it, buy another one and then review that one.
This can go on awhile…
Total Crap, I mean Marketwatch
This specimen is selling like hot cakes. We’re almost sold out, especially in this color. It’s colder than a ducks ass out there and you’d be a fool not to wear this under your parka.
Yeah we designed this one. It’s original and it’s brilliant. Actually, this bad boy was designed by the OJM intern who was recently promoted to OJM Strategist. Hip Hip Hooray — now his girlfriend can finally take him seriously.
I want to send a photo. What email address should I use?