Old Jewish Man: I Spent the Last Year Eating Expired Lox. Am I Immune to Omicron?

'Expired lox immunity' has leaders and experts bracing for a mad scramble to 'find rotting fish.'

As the medical community struggles to find answers for the new Omicron variant, several key experts in the science and medical community are already voicing their support for what is already being called ‘expired lox immunity.’

“We’re seeing a strange correlation between people who spend a lot of time eating expired fish, particularly lox, and their reaction to Omicron,” says Guy Baclov, a very very smart guy who graduated from college at some point in his life.

This strange immune system response was first discovered when Lenny Birkman, an eighty four year old retiree from Fort Lauderdale, went to bingo night last Thursday.

“After spending most the day eating expired lox I wanted to go play bingo,” Birkman explains. “That’s about all I remember.”

What the medical community discovered that night is simply…astounding: despite having one of the most dense concentrations of elderly people and covid-19 in the country, the elderly people at the Florida bingo night showed no symptoms after being infected by Omicron.

“I didn’t hear one sneeze all night,” recalls Solomon Lickstein, a dedicated Bingo-ist who says he doesn’t care about the complimentary seltzer at bingo night.

“It’s all about the bingo,” he insists, slamming his fist into the table.

When pressed for more information, Lickstein added, “Most of the people who play bingo eat lots of old lox. Expired fish is cheaper and it tastes the same.”

According to several key sources, the medical community has determined that the majority of elderly people at Bingo night spend, on average, at least half of the day eating rotted fish.

“There’s a staggering correlation,” explains one Florida doctor who claims to have graduated from an elite university. “A huge correlation. It’s confounding. How did we not realize this before?”

Expired lox, which is full of vitamins, is quickly becoming a sure-fire way to avoid severe Omicron symptoms. In the coming weeks we expect to see people running to grocery store dumpsters to get their hands on the nearest package.

Subscribe Now to stay up to date.