OLD JEWISH MEN CALL ON MAYOR TO ADDRESS CREAM CHEESE SHORTAGE “BEFORE ITS TOO LATE”

Can De Blasio avoid catastrophe???

Folks, this isn’t a drill. We are facing a NIGHTMARE SCENARIO.

Bagel shops across the city are running out of cream cheese. you understand the gravity of this situation? Do you know what it looks like when Old Jewish Men have to eat deli sandwiches on DRY FUCKING BAGELS!?

Listen folks. There are REAL MEDICAL REASONS reason for cream cheese. After the age of eighty, Jewish Men experience a systematic deficit of certain nutrients. One standard deli sandwich containing Lox, tomatoes, onions, capers and cream cheese is perfectly designed to provide us with our daily dose of CALCIUM, HELIUM, and RADON.

Already we’re seeing OJMs around the city showing classic signs of Radon deficiency, including TREMORS, FLATULENCE and IRRITABILITY.

We call on Mayor De Blasio to remedy this situation ASAP.

We need FIRST RESPONDERS on every street corner armed with cream cheese syringes. We need ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF TWENTY to get the fuck out of the way, because we’re getting cranky and don’t feel like dealing with you shmucks.

And for the love of god, De Blasio, don’t you dare fucking offer us chive cream cheese. What even is a chive. Honestly we don’t know.

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