Opening Rant
If a corner store doesn’t post their prices does it mean they’re making them up? Of course it does! Does it mean that they look you up and down and charge according to how you look? Of course it does! How do I know? This is what’s been happening to me for a few years, and I hate myself for it. I know i’m gettin screwed, but this place is unbelievably convenient and they’re the only ones in the neighborhood with good chocolate bars.
They claim they can’t keep up with price volatility because of inflation — this is why they don’t post prices. Sure, sure. But I finally caught em in a lie. They’ve been up charging me .35 a bar for the last 3 years. Know how I know? A new guy was working an overnight and instead of 5 bucks he charged four sixty five. So I said, you must have it wrong, it’s five flat.
“No, no. Price is 4.65,” he said.
The other shitheads were rounding it up! They wanted my five dollar bills because I’m the only idiot who still pays cash. They wanted fives so they could make change!
So, do the math. Thirty five cents fives times a week over 3 years? Yeah, it’s a lot. But the truth is, if I owned a business I’d also round it up on me. I too would charge people according to how much money I think they have. So good on them. All you have in life is your principles, and if you don’t like mine don’t worry, I’ve got more!
New Drop: The Velcro Speedmaster
Check out the post below or shop here.
Marketwatch
ONLY MACHERS CLUB
Last year they were selling used paper clips on the corner of 56th street and Broadway and now they’re in the ONLY MACHERS CLUB. Can you believe it? Only a lucky few can rise up and change their lives. That’s what being an ONLY MACHER is all about. Last year you were using one ply toilet paper, and this year you’re spending $55 bucks on a hat from China.
Met’s owner Alex Cohen in our Meats Hat
Mel Ottenberg and Sam Deutsch (OJM Single of the Week) in our Ralph Lifshitz Yarmalukes
Some real machers in our OJM Bear apparel
OJM SINGLE OF THE WEEK: SAM D.
21 years young and a buck 75 after a few bowls of mom’s shabbos cholent. My lower east side ladies (that’s right I’m born and raised LES) know me around town as Daddy Deutsch, the herring king, after I wolfed six gallons of herring in cream sauce last year at Kippur breakfast. Hit me up. I’m tall.
If interested in Sam D., reach out here.
BOCA TODAY: Louisiana Vacation
My son, Jack, plays a lot of golf tournaments and they tend to take us to unremarkable places. They are never in amazing cities with high-end hotels and restaurants. They are always off the beaten path in towns one does not need to see. Our latest adventure took us to Zachary, Louisiana. I never understood why the nearby Baton Rouge LSU stadium was called “Death Valley.” Now I know.
I am not sure what I should discuss first, but let’s start with the Comfort Inn Hotel. We discussed the horrific smell and subsequent potpourri cleaning of our room in the last piece. Every time I walked in there, I felt queasy.
Now, on to the restaurants. The “BEST” recommendation was called Walk-Ons, a sports bar which had a line out the door. 10 out of 10 locals call Walk-Ons the best restaurant in town. Does anyone know a good gastroenterologist? I felt death was knocking after that one. I was up all night with cramps convinced I was possessed and may be delivering an alien baby. The restaurants in general have an over-abundance of fried choices and the “healthy” salad had about 4,000 calories of full-fat dressing on it. It looked more like a cream soup with leafy greens. Major mistake I made trying to go healthy in Zachary. You know you are in trouble when the top 10 list in the town includes Smoothie King and a Le Blanc’s Drive Inn.
Now let’s talk about the local grocery store, Rouses Market. I would pay for a video of my wife from NYC going to Rouses. If it did not have 1 billion views in 2 days, I would be shocked. Nothing organic in the store and almost zero healthy options. If Whole Foods is on one end of the spectrum, Rouses is on the other. The food quality was worse than anything I have seen. They sold sushi in the Rouses Market. I am not sure what it would take for me to eat a piece of said sushi, but Elon Musk at his peak net worth approaching $300bn is one of the few in the world who could afford my price. On a positive note, the staff was INCREDIBLY friendly and they sold an 8-Pack of Gatorade for $5.