Russia Threatens to Seize Control of Ukraine's Precious Cottage Cheese Factories
Ukraine's military threatens to use 'extreme force' to combat impending dairy takeover
Ukraine citizens say that a Russian invasion would mean a total disaster for their cottage cheese industry — an industry that makes up 75% of their total GDP.
“We can’t live without cottage cheese,” says Igor Pazlovsky, a four hundred pound, farm raised Ukrainian chainsmoker with two fingers.
“I need my curds,” he adds. “Without curds what is life?” he wonders exhaling a balloon-sized plume of smoke.
If Russia opts for invasion, the already crippled Ukrainian economy would need to find something else to curdle very quickly.
“Oats don’t curdle. Neither does breads,” says Marie Evgrortizky, a sixty-eight year old glass eye salesman.
“We must find another source of curdle,” she insists. “Perhaps there is a way to curdle the onion. We have many here.”
As Russian troops amass on the border, Ukrainian commanders fear that the Russians can smell the cottage cheese blowing in from their factories in the east.
“It’s what they want. It’s what they’ve always wanted,” General Fyodor Crabnzlkzqn asserts.
“The Russian blood-thirst for cheese is too strong. We must fight.”
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So THIS is why my ancestors left Kamianets-Podilskyi.