Shvitz Crisis!
Thousands of Old Jewish Men across the country are stranded without public baths as Covid shatters bathers' dreams
As steam rooms across the country once again close their doors, desperate Old Jewish Men are turning to dangerous alternatives like dumpster fires and at-home bathing.
“Every time I try to take a bath at home, she’s there,” laments retired magnesium salesman, Morey Gooperman. “Within minutes of me gettin’ into the bathtub she’s pounding on the door asking for one minute of my time.”
As Morey and other scared, stranded Old Jewish Men across the country know all too well: it’s never just one minute.
And with shvitzes shuttered, and at-home bathing too close to home, hoards of desperate Old Jewish Men across the country are taking action.
“We’re taking to the streets,” said Gary Pullman, Spokesman for the OJM Shvitz Association in Westchester. “I’d rather be pulled limb from limb or buried alive than go another winter without the shvitz. I can’t take it and I won’t take it.”
Pullman’s opinion was echoed by the greater OJM shvitzing community as thousands of Old Jewish Men gathered in midtown Manhattan this week in towels, flip flops and an unhinged look in their eyes to demand wet and/or dry heat.
Whose shvitz? OUR SHVITZ! Whose Shivtz? OUR SHVITZ! Thousands of Old Jewish Men could be heard chanting.
“We need to shvitz. That’s the bottom line,” said Gussy Stein, an emaciated Old Jewish Man who describes himself as spiritually and emotionally exhausted by the recent closures. “It don’t gotta be the nicest shvitz in the world, but as long as we can sit in a hot room away from our homes, we’ll be happy. No one’s askin’ for the Ritz.”
However, the midtown rally took a dangerous turn when the sweat-deprived old men began setting dumpster fires, and jockeying for position as they competed to get as close as possible to the putrid heaps of burning trash.
As police arrived to break up the protest, onlookers and law enforcement officers said the men could be heard shrieking:
“Keep the fire going! You’re letting out all the heat!”
But as the night wore on the rallying cry began to fade, drawing ever softer and sadder until the Old Jewish Men went home to their wives with nothing but a dry, parched whimper.
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I for one am extremely dismayed at the lack of public awareness of this ongoing humanitarian crisis. A more robust presence by the OJM Schvitz Association could help us band together to schvitz together (but not too close) again.