SURVEY: 2022 ALREADY THE WORST YEAR YET
OJM poll finds the last 72 hours have been riddled with inconvenience and incontinence
2020 was rough, 2021 wasn’t much better. But a new poll from OJM Research suggests that even after a mere three days, 2022 has surpassed its predecessors on a vast array of unpleasantness metrics.
“My shlong got caught in a shower door on Monday,” lamented one respondent, retired shower door salesman Artie Goldman. “The worst part was I didn’t even notice until I finished the shower.”
Goldman was hardly the only respondent to express dismay at how 2022 has unfolded so far. 34% of those polled agreed that they were unhappier than they were a week ago, with 14% going so far as to say they would have been better off dying in their sleep on Dec 31, 2021.
“January second my grandson tells me he identifies as a floor lamp,” retired postal worker Marge Orenstein told OJM researchers. “The worst part is, it’s 2022 so I’m not allowed to ask what that means.”
The poll has been widely criticized as being ‘inconclusive’ and ‘skewed’, due to the fact that the study was conducted entirely in an assisted living facility home in Southern Florida. OJM scientists have defended their research methodology, saying that the nursing home was offering complimentary jello cake throughout the day.
“Yes,” said retired paperback book salesman Howard Lewis, when asked if 2022 was shaping up to be his most miserable year yet. “But you could have said that about every year of my life so far and been right. So there you go.”
Lewis then had the crusted remains of lunch wiped from the sides of his mouth by an underpaid nursing attendant.
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