The "No Significant Others" Wedding: Ultimate Value Hack or a guaranteed way to lose all your friends?
A value story. PART 1
PART 1
OJM’s chief accountant Marty Shimmerstein was recently met with a difficult decision. As a value expert, Marty raised his family to be value conscious people — measuring the pros and cons of all expenditures. Last month, Marty’s recently engaged grandson, Sam Shimmerstein, an American living abroad in Spain (reasons explained later), decided to make his wedding an NSO EVENT aka:
…NO SIGNIFICANT OTHERS.
When Marty got the email from his grandson he didn’t know how to feel. It was everything he’d ever wanted to do as far as rebelling against arbitrary social practices (and saving a few bucks), but also a sure way to alienate friends and family.
THE PREFACE
Before we get into it, let’s back up…prior to getting engaged, Marty’s grandson, Sam Shimmerstein, a twenty something Juilliard graduate, decided to flee New York for Spain where the cost of living is low and he was able to spend his days practicing the piano, getting trashed on one euro vino verde and slurping meaty soups at the local Tashca (an economical restaurant for locals and working class men).
Fancying himself a local - Shimmerstein did manage to pick up the language incredibly quick — and decided to marry in Spain.
Since Shimmerstein hails from a long line of value conscious operators, he immediately began weighing the pros and cons of marriage. Sure, marriage itself is a strange proposition for independent men like Shimmerstein — a pianist who makes a modest living and enjoys an independent life that is laid out on a meager income earned from teaching music and the occasional concert.
Love, however, is not part of the value equation. Love exists outside of the calculus, and when Shimmerstein fell for his bride, an English speaking European woman named Lenny, he knew he would have to give her a wedding. But what could he afford?
Or rather, what did he want to spend?
It’s long been suspected that Shimmerstein has all kinds of savings. Hoards, friends say. He managed to purchase a home in Spain with a little help from his parents, and seems to work less than fifteen hours a week. Regardless of his financial situation, Shimmerstein began scouring Spanish wedding venues, drafting spreadsheets with the cost of cases of wine, food and venue. He even played around with the idea of leading the band himself to save money, but then settled on asking friends to do it pro bono.
The question amongst friends and family was…is Shimmerstein broke or is this value nonsense some sort of neurotic illness?
As the list of friends and family grew, Shimmerstein worried that he wouldn’t be able to afford to give his bride the wedding she deserved. After all, Lenny’s parents — on a fixed income — weren’t able to contribute much, and Shimmerstein’s parents agreed to only kick in an equal amount, leaving Shimmerstein holding the bag.
EUREKA!
One night, sorting through the guest list, Shimmerstein was struck by how many people he either didn’t like, or didn’t care to see. There were also the people he’d never met before…the plus ones! The so called “significant others” who Shimmerstein felt, are significant to his friends but insignificant to him…so why should they be at his fucking wedding?
Shimmerstein spent sleepless night calculating and re-calculating the event. Would the gift percent cover the cost of the significant others? Surely not. Significant others are famously cheap!
He didn’t say a word to his bride about the situation, promising her that everything would be okay and they would end up happy and wedded. She smiled, entrusting him with the responsibility of putting the wedding together.
One afternoon, after a few vino verdes at the local Tasha, Shimmerstein blurted out to Lenny, NSO! There’s no other way!
Below is a graph from the Shimmerstein archives. A wedding value equation propositions from the man’s extensive spreadsheet work.
Lenny asked what he meant. NSO? She’d never heard of such a thing. And when he explained to her that they could eliminate half the cost of the wedding, and half of the people they didn’t like in one fell swoop, she didn’t disagree. She didn’t necessarily agree, either…but they certainly didn’t argue about it. They discussed how to spin it to their friends and family.
What does NSO mean exactly? No wives? No girlfriends? No fiances? Where does the buck stop?
ZERO! Shimmerstein shouted, pounding his fist on the table.
I’ve had it with these SIGNIFICANT OTHERS. It’s my wedding and these people aren’t significant to me! I don’t want to see them and I certainly don’t want to spend money on them!
Lenny raised her eyebrows to think it over.
END OF PART 1